a brief moment…

 

If I had a full tank yesterday, there is nothing more that I would have liked to do than just hop on the 101 in either direction, and simply go. Anywhere, nowhere, the shine in my heart & eyes coming back after being dulled and tarnished by over a year in hospitals. I’d just keep on going, pulling over in little towns, eating at greasy spoons, writing and being so gloriously anonymous as I watched the people who may live there, or may be passing through just like me… just a few days, after the weekend, then I would be back with a new peace, a new vigor for life…

But I didn’t have a full tank, so after the archery range I watched the sunset as I walked along the tide-line at ocean beach, then when the sun had squeezed all that it possibly could out of itself for us I headed back into the park.

Gods, it had… has… been so long since I just rolled around, taking streets that looked like they didn’t lead anywhere and discovering such incredible beauty with no one around…

enjoying the hellout of myself by instead of speeding up when some single rushed asshole behind me leaned on his horn, slowing down even more and giving him my biggest smile as I doubled the single finger he was holding up with my own.

 

I need to get back there much more frequently, and without question earlier in the day. It was as if, even only for a brief yet exquisite moment in time, everything bad was washed away, and it was just me, my car, and the music.

Home is where…

 

Home comes in many forms. It is where you feel safe, accepted… loved. It can be a specific place, or it can be anywhere that certain very special people are, but when the word is said, when you go there, when the definition rings true it should be felt in the heart, seen in a certain shine in the eyes.

Yesterday, I went home. Home, not in place but in people, in family, in love – where my family was.

Tears almost betraying me at times, my heart too big for my body, hugs, smiles, and a welcome – a welcome back, a welcome… home.

I stopped by CellSpace, and fell in love again as I watched my family, the Vau de Vire Society, rehearse for the upcoming Edwardian Ball Weekend… and decided that I’m going to do whatever it takes to build back the strength to perform with them again, though this time… this time, I will be stronger, healthier, and much more driven – as I know what it’s like without them.

Brainwash

Tags

Funk, holiday

January 1, 2012  -  a day exactly like the day before yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and… and so on.

Day in,

Day out.
Of course I’m extremely grateful to be alive and for all of the incredible and loving people I’m blessed to have as part of my life, but sometimes… sometimes the walls that have surrounded me for most of the past fifteen months are far, far to white and lifeless, constricting and confining, and even walks down the hall or to different floors do little or nothing to quell the desire to post a simple ‘thank you, great to see you all’ about a party or show that I went to the night before.

This mental funk *will* go away soon, I just wanted to begin the cleanse by getting the words out of my head and letting them soak on the screen, so they’re easier to rinse clear of my heart & bring back the me I know that has them splattered everywhere inside.

Please, no obvious replies. I know you care, I love you too, and if there’s the slightest hint of pity in any reply that comes this way you’re a damn fool, because I should be dead at least twice over but I’m *not*; I just really don’t want to be here anymore, within these walls, especially with a necessary 24 hour pass request to do something as simple as go to the fucking store.
Furthermore, the mental funk is a much more pleasant place to be than the inside of an empty smile, because I know when the funk goes away the eyes will shine and the smile, just like this frustration and resentment, will be honest, true, and glorious, because every little emotion, every grievance, and every laugh shared with one of the nurses or CNA’s  reminds me that, against the worst odds…

I AM STILL ALIVE! 

 

11.18.11 A Day of Rest & Thought

11.18.11

A Day of Rest & Thought

Stayed in today, resting, keeping my leg elevated. I don’t know why it’s always my left leg that swells the most – perhaps it has something to do with the body’s channels, perhaps it’s something that tells me I need a chiropractic adjustment, perhaps it’s because I’m not only left-handed, I’m left legged. Strange though, as the right has always been my preferred.

I need to remember that, at least for a little while, I need to be careful, ever watchful, vigilant; that I can’t leap back into life the way I wish to, and now more than ever I need to be even more attentive to my body, so that one day soon I will be able to be what I once was.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It is in my dreams that I find her, never seeing the face

yet feeling her in my heart. When I wake I am left with only a warm soft smile,

trying to remember every vague detail,

the laughter, the peace,

keeping my eyes closed and wanting desperately to go back to my dreams.

Back to the warmth, back to her.

There is a touch of sadness in my heart as she fades,

and I’m left wondering when I will feel her again,

and if it’s only in my dreams

that I ever will.

When I walk through The City, it seems as if there is someone for everyone,

so I try to keep believing that,

that there is someone

The One

for this trainwreck of a hopeful romantic.

11.11.11 ~ Love, Gratitude, & Recovery

Tags

life, love, SIDESHOW!

11.11.11

5am

Swollen feet, ankles & calves, the pain not felt until the night had passed and the hours crept well into the morning, still dark.

The pain and swelling of my legs will go away within a couple days, but the night will live forever in my heart, in my soul, in the way I am everlastingly changed, for it is you that constructs the man I am, as the family of friends I have found unknowingly molds, forms and creates the person you know today.

 

I want to be better for you, I want to give you all that I am, I want to tell you in words that don’t exist how grateful I am for each one of you, and show you what you have created with your love by giving to the world what you all have given me.

I want them to remember the beauty of life that we all had as children, when we knew that the world was ours, even if it was one we had to create in dreams. I want to be evidence for them, so that they know with all of their hearts that those childhood dreams can be a wondrous reality now.

 

I wish I could have thanked you all that night, each one of you individually, but each step I took in one direction left me halted or pulled in another by someone else so it was impossible to do what I wanted. Being who you are, I’m confident that *almost* all of you can understand this; and to those who can comprehend that this semi-recluse was spread too thin to get everywhere, I can’t articulate my gratitude for such a beautiful and magickal evening well enough to satisfy what I wish to say. I want to actually look in your eyes, hug you warm & tight, & have that action declare what any words I can write here fall far short of – although for now, these words will need to suffice – and if you can, imagine me holding you and looking into your eyes, and you may feel how much love is behind them:

Thank You.

You created an exquisite evening, a beautiful celebration of life, of love…

and it will live in my heart, swollen with love, forever.

The Power of Love

Tags

Hepatitis C, love, Maitri, SIDESHOW! The Benefit, Spirit

 

Because THIS is What We Can Do! (aka Occupy the DNA Lounge!)

For those who don’t know and/or don’t want to take the time to read over the past year of my blog, I offer this – The power of the Human Spirit, of Love, and a brief explanation of what we can do when we take our lives into our *own* hands, instead of playing the pawn to the pharmaceutical corporations & medical insurance companies so that they can line their pockets at our greatest expense – our lives. I’ll *try* to keep it short. Please bear with me as this is *incredibly* abbreviated.

          A little over a year ago, on October 6th, 2010 to be exact, I was admitted to a wonderful place; A Respite/ Hospice care facility called Maitri – a word that means “Compassionate Friendship” in Sanskrit, with complications that had been plaguing me for years due to Hepatitis C. They affected every part of my life, and even took me away from what I love the most – performing, delighting others, and being a part of my dear family, the Vau de Vire Society.

          Shortly after I arrived at Maitri all hell broke loose with my body – the toxins & waste that my liver could not process gathered in my body worse than they ever had before, and pooled up in my legs and abdomen. For the first few months there I took the medications that my Dr. prescribed, but unfortunately those were little if any help. It was when he had to start prescribing medications to combat the symptoms that the *other* medications were causing that I started to think, and to get angry. I felt that there *must* be some other way.

 

          I began countless hours, day after day, week after week of research to try to find something that might help, but in a natural, holistic way. Something that didn’t destroy the body it was meant to help, like so many Western medications do. (It was reported by the American Medical Association in 1998 that even when taken properly, prescription “medicines” accounted for 100,000 deaths, and over one million hospitalizations.)

          When I began ordering the herbs, tinctures, potions, lotions, and anything that I could that I believed would work for me, I quickly found that, though they are MUCH less expensive than Western meds, of course none of them were covered by insurance – each bottle I bought took money away from the pharmaceutical corporations, and well, they don’t like that too much. Even if something is *proven* to work, it was natural so couldn’t be regulated.

          It was then that I realized that I had to do something which I absolutely loathed to do – ask for help. Ask for money, so I could stay alive and battle Hep C and the symptoms that it was causing in my body. At the worst of it, I weighed 227 lbs – with about 70 lbs of that being toxins that my body couldn’t process. I describe it slightly in my blog, but even that doesn’t come close to the hell I was going through.

          Much to my surprise, and with countless tears of appreciation and love shed, the money I needed to purchase the natural medicines to literally stay alive and get better began coming in, and I was then my own experiment, my own test subject – determining what worked and what didn’t for *me*. I did everything I could, from meditation, to herbs, to visualization and more to get better – and ya know what? It worked! It’s working.

Roughly seven months later, I was up, walking, my legs and abdomen back down to a relatively normal size. The nurse that came in to help with my legs said that she had never seen anyone heal so quickly; most of the other medical professionals that cared for me implied that they were worried that I would die. (I want to say now that I was and am truly blessed to have the team I had looking after me, as there are far too many “Doctors” that swim in the deep end of the ignorance pool, and believe only western medicines can heal. The people looking after me, however, supported me in every way they could, and for that, I am eternally grateful.)

I officially left Maitri on November 1^st; feeling wonderful, feeling ALIVE, and walking on my own two feet. I still need to take the herbs & wear special compression stockings, but compared to where I was only seven months ago, hanging on by sheer will alone to life and barely able to move, much less walk, hell, that ain’t nothin’!

My new goal is to completely clear myself of the Hepatitis C Virus using the same methods, but again – more research and the inclusion of many different herbs and… everything else. It will be expensive, but it’s been done before – and I have found the strength, will and love to do it through all of you.

When I finally AM cleared of the virus, I plan to write a book so that others will realize that they DO have options – healthy ones – and that they don’t need to be a nameless sack of profit flesh for the corporations that couldn’t give a damn about their one life. It is in this way I hope to pay forward all of the help and support that has, and continues to come my way – and perhaps someday, those corporations will get pissed off and afraid enough to include certain proven herbs and holistic therapies in their insurance plans… but even if they don’t, at least those who read my book and are brave enough to find humility and ask for help will do so, and realize, like I have, how much love there actually is out there in the world.

If you can’t make it to the benefit THIS THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1oth/11th, 2011 but still wish to donate and help me in my fight, my Paypal address is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com.

Thank you all so very much for helping to keep me alive – as without your love and support, without the determination I have to get back on stage and be able to delight and perform for everyone possible, it is very likely that instead of writing this, I would be nothing but a fond memory right now.

With love,

~ kSea flux

 

Piece by Peace (or, MotorHeart)

Tags

HOME, life, Serenity

A smile crosses my face as I wake to the sound of birds hopping around on the roof of my motorhome, playing in the tree above me and chirping like they’re gossiping after a Sunday 10am mass at church.

I’d forgotten about this, and I’m in ecstasy.

It’s my fifth consecutive morning waking up in my beautiful home, my comparatively huuuge full sized, unbroken bed, my cabin in the woods, my beach house; my sanctuary, and finally I have found a spot on my favorite street to park in San Francisco, aptly named Treat.

I’ve been chipping away at my to-do list, and adding new things mechanical, aesthetic, and both almost as much as I check off others. Some things necessary but not requiring immediate action such as giving the electrical system a really good look, labeling active wires and doing away with unnecessary ones with so in the future if anything goes awry on the awroad I can fix it with little headache, larger tasks like painting it (mostly) white or ripping out the couch and putting a booth in, (creating more floor space while still having a guest bed), re-carpeting & re-upholstering to rid it of the lovely ‘80’s hotel-room peach motif, and things that are completely ludicrous such as figuring out how to make it fly or float, or installing a hot tub on the roof.

It feels So Damn GOOD to be able to work on her again I never want to run out of things to do, and as she’s twenty six years old, I’m a good mechanic and I have a damn good eye for design, (something I’m not too humble about) I doubt I ever will.

Piece by piece she’s coming together; I’m doing as much as I can to save my last $5 & change for just a little bit more food since that not only is good for a certain thing called hunger & keeping up my energy and health, but I need to take almost all of my dwindling herbs with something in my belly. I could go to Maitri for meals, but that either means giving up my space and using the last of my fuel, or taking the bus for one $4 round trip leaving me even closer to completely penniless and her all alone with most of my things inside, as I would want to take advantage of the time there to shower & pack more.

The main thing that is looming over my head and creating undue stress is the desperate need for a good tune up, and that needs to be taken care of ASAP. It’s one of the very few things that I prefer and want to have done by a professional, at least the first time. Until then she’s running rough, with black smoke billowing out of her pipes polluting grossly and drinking fuel like it’s an ice cold Pabst or fresh lemonade on the Playa. A good tune would fix that.

I have a beautiful vision of pulling up to the DNA Lounge on the 10^th with her purring like a kitten, and  right now, it’s only a vision, and my disability check doesn’t come for seven days, which is an eternity right now.

The chirpy-hop birds have taken flight somewhere else and I have a relatively full plate of things I want to work on today, so time to put Clotho to sleep and get my own ass out of bed.

Good morning, beautiful life… and thank you for letting me stick around.

Twenty-Three Days (or, Blood Money)

Twenty-three days and counting, so much to do and it s so little time to do it in.It’s almost hard to believe that my time here is coming to an end, almost hard to believe the end isn’t my own. I look back to pictures and video I took of myself shortly after I arrived here, and just like everyone else who I have seen regularlyduring the past year, the people watched me, cared for me – it feels as if everything happened so quickly.I think back to how it was, how I was, the pain, the uncertainty; and how ready I wasn’t to die – there is still so much to do, so much beauty to see, so as if the life that was almost extinguished was turned on full blast…

 

 

I need to be careful though – even more so. This is no time to let things slip, as I was reminded of in full blood-red color last night. In lieu of getting the herbs I need, I got compression stockings – it was actually either one or the other due to the lack of money, but I didn’t believe that only a couple days without all the herbs & potions I take would have an effect so sudden. My  legs haven’t itched for months, not horribly, at least, and the  I actually woke up  scratching my legs feverishly from a half-sleep, and with my fingernails had made some nice ges in the new, soft flesh that still needs time to toughen up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blood on my hands,

blood on the sheets -

gods, what a mess.

 

 

 

 

Being me, however, the first thing I did after I wiped my hands off was grab my camera.

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson learned – but it wasn’t really a lesson, so to speak. If I had the money, if, dear gods, INSURANCE actually paid for the herbs that saved my life and continue to help me heal, then this wouldn’t be an issue – but gods forbid. Herbs take the money away from the corporations, so they can’t work.

 

Still twelve days away from my next check, and meanwhile I need to also make certain my motorhome has a way to keep foods cool and so many other small things that make a huge difference in whether I stay healthy or not.

 

I’ll figure it out, though, one way or another – I always have in the past, this is just a little different. Things are a bit more fragile, and I need to remember that…

 

and appreciate every second, of every minute, of every day, that much more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebirth

On the morning that marked the time here for me at one year, the tenth person died. None of the residents knew him, as he was here for only three days – but that doesn’t make his death mean any less, does it?

One year. October 6^th, 2011. I have watched nine people die, more than many will see die in a lifetime. More than any would want to see. Two of them, Salvador & Ron, were far more than acquaintances. Thankfully, more people have left on their own two feet.

Very soon now it will be my turn to leave, and I’m not just going to walk out the door – my own death was close enough to make me realize how precious and beautiful life is, and how fragile – and though I’m far from 100% –  legs & hands still somewhat fucked …  I’ve been given a new lease on life, and I’m going to friggin’ dance for joy out that door!

I have set the date of my exit for November 11^th.

11/11/11

I know very little about numerology, but that must mean something, mustn’t it?

A Different Game

This past Friday night I did something I had not done for exactly one year and a day – crawl into my own beautiful, full sized bed. The smell of salt air coming in through the roof vent, the whisper of car tires as they went by, I lit a candle, some Nag-Champa, and took a moment simply to look around and appreciate where I was:

My bed.

My sanctuary.

My home.

Though there are is one resident, Tuesday, and a couple people who work here, Greg & Paul, Linda & Melanie – that I will come close to missing when I leave (I’m not much one for missing people – which doesn’t mean that I like or think about them any less, ,  it just seems silly, and almost only a self-centered emotion. Like being sad when people die; the sadness only comes from knowing that we won’t get to spend time with them anymore… more regret than anything else – but I regress…) …I will be absolutely thrilled to leave here. As backwards as it is, this place seems to suck the life, creativity and passion from people – at least people who are accustomed to such a different way of life. Fighting for every fucking word written, wondering why I have little or no desire to create. It made the fight to stay alive that much more difficult. Day in, day out, the exact same schedule, absolutely NOTHING to spark excitememt or passion, nothing to keep the fire that once burned so brightly inside of me lit. An emotional flatline. – I feel as if I’m going to exit this place a shell of who I was.

I feel with little question that if I didn’t have the people I love on the outside waiting for me, that I would have given up long ago.

It is you who give me life. You who gave me a reason. You who kept the fire in my heart burning, even if there were only glowing embers at times.

It will be quite an abrupt change to go back to my motorhome where everything is so different, though it is a change that I’m looking forward to with all of my heart. No refrigerator, (I seriously need to figure out if I can somehow fix that or get it fixed now that so much desperately depends on healthy food) and, dear gods – having to actually take care of myself? Do my own laundry, remember to take my herbs, hope that when I can afford to get some LP gas in the tank my water heater works so I can stay clean and cook good meals, figure out someplace to ship my herbs and all the other good-for-me-stuff I get off the interweb that could forward it to me, wherever that might be if I’m not in town; it will be the white to this place’s black.

Slowly the fire in my heart will be rekindled, I’ll again find the words that were once so easy, and – AND – Cultureflux will again be reborn!

There is so incredibly much to look forward to, and still so very much to do with my health – now begins the fight to completely cure myself of Hep-C, and what I’m looking forward to more than anything – helping other people to realize that there ARE alternatives to western medicine, and hopefully helping them get better – though I’ve already found that’s going to be a bit more difficult than I thought and will take some smacking upside some heads, as some people don’t seem to realize that they are in control…

So much to do. So much life yet to be lived –

and I owe it all to the people out there who gave me the will to live…

I love you all – and with all of my heart, I thank you.

Warrior, Wonderchild

 

My fourth “Three Month Evaluation” was today here at Maitri. As we went down the list of questions pertaining to my health, her smile continued to grow as more and more questions were answered “Resolved”. A question about meds was answered by me swearing to stick to my herbs, meditation, Ayurveda, teas, endless research & reading until I cure myself completely of Hep C, avoiding Western “medicine” as much as possible – and she said that she wouldn’t be surprised if I did it, her subtle smile somehow beaming. After the evaluation, Linda, the head nurse and an absolutely wonderful person (a no bullshit black woman from the South), admitted that there were times that she wasn’t certain about my future- was worried that I didn’t have one at all.
As I walked out the door to the nurses office, she called me her “wonderchild”. I simply said “No – I’m a warrior, and this particular battle, it looks like I have won.”

 

Now, just waiting for a surgery to knit the connective tissue in my abdominal muscles back together (the weight of the fluid ripped it apart), and start to get hardcore on the the *cause*, not the symptoms. >>> My gratitude to you all is limitless, as I know without question that what I (we) achieved would have been impossible without your help; your love, encouragement, and monetary assistance. Though I hate to bring it up again, the request is cushioned by the fact that I know this will be the final month I need to ask, but I still need financial help due to only coming out with a tenth of my check. Admittedly, a small amount of it will go to the motorhome, as the Ocean, my own home & serenity is as healing as any herbs that I could take, if not more… so again, please, I ask for any financial help that you can offer, for my last month here. Paypal – ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com – and thank you all, for everything… Soon it will be my turn, and I can’t express how thrilled I am to give as much as I have learned, and keep the love you have shown me moving…