packing

He opens the garage, looking for his travel bag. Looking around, he sees the memories stored there, wonders what he might find if he looks in one of the boxes. The little memorabilia held onto to be able to recall the people he used to be when he wants…

no. there isn’t time for that. Get the bag. Pack for San Diego. You’re going to fly down to see the parents in the morning.

How long has it been? Two years since San Diego, about half of that for the parents. He realizes that he doesn’t miss either, and doesn’t feel any remorse for that fact.

Upstairs, he looks at the bag. Sadly, he realizes that he will have to pull off the official Haz-Mat “Explosives” sticker he got while being a Hazardous Material Controller – again, in a different life. He remembers putting that sticker on, shortly before Burning Man last year. It just wouldn’t be wise going through security at the airport with it on there. He reluctantly, slowly, pulls it off, wondering where it’s next place might be. It needs to be an appropriate one.

He looks around the room, thinking of San Diego, thinking of what he might need.

That’s simple.

A couple pairs of jeans – blue and black – a couple shirts, a nicer dressy one (black) to wear to Cavalia – some socks, his ball to practice contact juggling with…

He looks around the room, thinking of San Diego, thinking of what he won’t need.

The skirts stay here. The make up, the tall leather Doc Martens, the long leather coat and the blue furry one, the floggers and canes, the silk and lace vests, the leather pants, the klown nose, everything in the toy drawer…

He thinks about bringing his bow, as Balbla Park has that beautiful archery range, but no – he’d have to check that. If it got damaged, he would crumble. He doesn’t have a hard case to protect it.
He remembers, in better times, happily paying a ridiculous amount of money for it after his other one got stolen in the trunk of his car. The whole car was gone – but it was the bow he was the most upset about. Perfect excuse for an upgrade. He’ll never regret that purchase. He shows it off as often as possible.

He’ll enjoy being in San Diego, of that he has no doubt. He looks forward to siting at the cafe’ of his childhood, where so many decisions were made, that was his daytime home when he didn’t have one. That’s where he fell in love with Christy, but she never knew. That’s where he looked down at his stained shirt wondering where he might find the money to do laundry again. He’ll write there again too, words so different than in the past, but still with his soul. It’s just grown. Changed…

Looking at the clock, he realizes that it’s time to go to MEAT. Far past time.

He’ll miss this city. He’ll miss home.

I’m bringing my fucking cock ring.

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pre-dawn ramblings

Goddamn. 6:00am. My sleep patterns are so fucked up these days – but I guess it doesn’t really matter, now does it? Besides, I like the dawn, as infrequently as I get to see it. Maybe I’ll drive out to the beach with Bean…

No, then I would have to deal with all the sand and other nasty shit she seems to have something of a magnetic attraction to, and none of it smells to good. She’s clean, my room is clean, and I’ll try to preserve that as long as possible. We’ll hit the park later.

Did a cleansing purge of my room yesterday, cleaning out two years of accumulated material from my previous job – old files, brochures, notes that were so old they were bordering on being classified as hostorical documents. These are the things that have dictated my life since I moved back to San Francisco, always there when I went to sleep and again when I woke up, a constant reminder of all the shit I needed to do, a constant reminder of how much this job was taking from me. I was so wrapped up in the struggle to succeed that I couldn’t see past that, and didn’t realize that I had become this job – and not much else.

Everything I loathe in employment. I don’t live to work, but somehow I let it happen this time because I was so damn stubborn I couldn’t admit to myself that this maybe wasn’t good for me. Maybe wasn’t right for me. Push push push, looking at each damn business I passed wondering if that was my next account, losing parts of me I didn’t even realize had left, simply because I *never* left work. I couldn’t even have a conversation with someone without wondering where they worked and if I could do an estimate for their damn janitorial services.

Two years.

I think I’m finally leaving now, albeit slowly. Dragging my heels as I walk out the office door of my mind, refusing to admit a defeat that only exists in my imagination. I learned an incredible amount from and during this job, and so ultimately, it was a success. Of course, I wasn’t able to ever pull in the consistent rediculous amounts of money I wanted, but there were a few tastes that kept me going, kept me hungry, kept me somewhat obsessed.

Kept me wondering why I couldn’t pull it together.

That, thankfully, is slowly sliding off of me now. I now have the opportunity to find work I can leave at work for the most part, though I fear the flexibility in schedule and free time whenever I wanted it may be a thing of the past, at least for now.

Then again, maybe none of it was truly *free* time…

I’m feeling a happiness I haven’t felt for a while starting to slowly creep back – a strange, subtle peace.

Until I look at the calendar and realize that rent is due in a couple days and the bills are yet unpaid.

Sonofabitch.

Fuggit. Everything works out, one way or another.

Found a spider while cleaning yesterday – a kind I don’t recognize. Long legs, with a body the shape of a tattoo’d teardrop and about the size of one as well. I’ve got it in a cup for further inspection later – could this be the culprit that had a taste of Cole & I?

grey

This grey, cool morning is making it dificult to release myself from the comfort and security of my bed. I’m safe here – I can almost pretend that everything is fine, that this is just a day off and I’m enjoying it, but that is not the case. I have things that need to get done.

The coffee is waiting, unbrewed as of yet though still with the promise of warmth and morning ritual as soon as that little task is accomplished, but that would mean getting out from under the protective shield that my comforters have become, exposing myself to the day and it’s challenges.

I need to go to the bank and insist that they fix a discrepancy that was supposed to be taken care of over a week ago by them, but as a result of them not doing it the problem has escalated, and I’m worried that there is a chance they might not be responsive to the problem.

I guess that there’s only one way to find out.

I completely understand now what Cole said a while ago, that with the laptop it makes it incredibly easy to spend the entire day wrapped up in bed.

Okay. Coffee. Shower.

Folsom +

Okay, so Folsom was a blast. Wandering the street with the Kinky Salon crowd and a few Porn Klowns, surrounded by a sea of leather, latex, and some other unique styles of dress. It was a delight.

Scott & I found a lone girl dressed in a cute little red plaid thing and thigh-high boots, and proceeded to kidnap her and insist whe come with us. We were actually just being good samaritans – she had become separated from the person she came there from Santa Cruz with, (her 24/7 Dom) and knew no one else. Strangely – or not so strangely – she said, after spending a little bit of time with us and witnessing our colorful antics, that she’d been looking for us – she was just waiting to be found, or find.

I’m actually going to a dance called “Moon Tribe” with her tomorrow, out in the high desert somewhere. I figured what the hell – my schedule is as open as it could be with the sudden loss of work, which I have found has brought with it a strange sense of relief, though it’s still difficult not to look at each business I pass and wonder if they need an estimate for janitorial services. I’ll get over that.

Re-vamping my resume to get back into the wild world of workers as soon as possible, as there is much I want to do and accomplish, and financial stress is not entirely condusive to deep contemplative thoughts about the direction my life is heading and where I want it to go. I’ll get my feet on the ground in the present again, then look towards the future. One thing I do need to do is re-do my list of goals, as there have been canges that have affected my current one.

Okay, that’s it for now.

G’night, John Boy.

Klown anxiety

Ever have one of those days where you just can’t seem to get your Klown face to go on right?

fucking hell.

Off to Folsom St. Fair in a few short minutes, and I have decided that, yes, Casey, it’s okay if you look like like a crappy second rate klown around thousands of people.

Perhaps they will all be drunk enough not to notice.

I wish I had money to buy them all drinks. Lots of drinks…

Questions…

So I ask myself this; Is it wrong, could it be artificial, could I possibly be making it up in my wanting?

So recently after a love that has dissolvd, to love another?

I question this in my analytical way, yet come up with the same answer, always; no.

Of course, in my ways, the ways I know myself, I fear for her, but she has been warned. She knows.

I know that I think of her too frequently, but I also know that it feels good. I know that, even though I do occasionally search for playthings, there is nothing, no one that can take her present place…

I’ll shaddup now, as I’m not finding the words I want and typing is incredibly difficult right now.

Just a question. Just a yearning for more memories, for more future…

(blah. blah blah blah. I should know better than to drunk type…)

Aw, hell.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When’s the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

This evening couldn't have been better…

If I had stayed on the bus.

A horrible waste of time, and money – with waaaay sub-par bands and nothing to entice.

Perhaps it was wishing that someone I couldn’t stop thinking about was there to share and laugh about the absurdity of it, or perhaps it was just how horrible is actually was.

I think both, because she would be here wuth me now.

Good night, intoxicated boy…

i know you’ll read this, and I miss you even more in these times…

(dot dot dot)

This evening couldn't have been better…

If I had stayed on the bus.

A horrible waste of time, and money – with waaaay sub-par bands and nothing to entice.

Perhaps it was wishing that someone I couldn’t stop thinking about was there to share and laugh about the absurdity of it, or perhaps it was just how horrible is actually was.

I think both, because she would be here wuth me now.

Good night, intoxicated boy…

i know you’ll read this, and I miss you even more in these times…

(dot dot dot)

Aaaaah…

So there is definitely something else I should be doing, after all.

I went into the office this morning to do some paperwork, excited at the likelihood of finally finding a good janitor I interviewed yesterday to sell a huuuge account to – an account that has been an incredibly time consuming challenge since it started a couple of months ago. This was going to get me a big chunk of cash, and after I set up the new cleaners offer me a bunch more time to go out and focus on getting more accounts. Yay!

Then, after a question about the account and how we would be able to keep one of the empoyees there in a different capacity, he let’s me know that he recieved a call around ten days ago (???!!)from the building manager saying that she had heard we were looking to sell the account and she wouldn’t go for it due to all the legal and insurance requirements that need to be in place.

To make a long, long story short, this account has been a thorn in our side since it started, and has cost the company money, and I haven’t been doing as many estimates as I should – which was in a large part due to the time consumed by the benefit, then getting just a bit of momentum going again until this account that took way more work than necessary and losing it again – but I am to blame as well. I certainly could have worked more diligently, I guess, and I did let some BS office politics as well as the lack of integrity my boss has been displying lately affect my devotion to the job…

Whatever. I was let go this morning, which would be alot easier to see as a good thing if rent weren’t due so soon.

I will still be able to persue active contacts and represent the company, as he appreciates the way I manage the accounts I get, but I won’t be officially working there. I essentially just haven’t been bringing in the numbers. I fully intend to keep getting accounts, but it will mean less money ultimately. I think that in a sense this can be amazing, as it will offer me time to persue something(s) else while still having the occasional income from this.

We’ll see what happens, and what blows my way.

I’m terrified, but also quite excited about new doors opening – as long as they don’t close the door on my intended trip to Cole & NOLA…

Marlene's love bites

On a lighter note, I slammed the tip of my right index finger in the car door today.

It didn’t feel to good, but at least I’ll save all that money on nail polish…

I wonder what color they would call this?

Marlene's love bites

On a lighter note, I slammed the tip of my right index finger in the car door today.

It didn’t feel to good, but at least I’ll save all that money on nail polish…

I wonder what color they would call this?

tomorrow

And I move forward, taking care of the necessary things so I have the ability to do more.

I heard an interesting analogy once, which I try to carry with me so as to remember not to be afraid. It said that each person, if they drew a stick figure of themselves on a piece of paper, then a circle around it, that inside that circle could represent the experiences they’ve had, the challenges they’ve overcome, and the growth they have achieved. Frequently, there will be something that occurs outside of that circle, and that if they step up, reach out, and find a way to take care of that challenge as well, then their circle of experience grows to encompass that which was previously unknown as well.

This makes sense, as with each challenge, if approached well, causes us to grow in a way that is so much more than that one challenge, as we need to face all the doubts inside of us in order to reach out and take care of it and move on.

With that in mind, and the memories of the challenges I’ve met, makes me realize that I can do anything.

I just need to remember that as I wake up and look towards what each day may bring – the beauty, and the pain, there is nothing that can compare with what I’ve already experienced and stepped through. My life has been amazing, and has given me all the tools I need to progress further, to always grow, to let my goals come to fruition.

There is so much I want to do.

I want to give everything I am, and everything I will become, so that I can help in the way I’ve been helped before, and offer the wisdom I’ve had to find when there was no one else to give it to me. I want to help things make sense for people who hurt, to give them validation, and a way to look at it so they are able to let it happen, then walk though it.

Like walking through a waterfall.

Dry off. Move on. There is a world waiting for you. A world that needs you.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any minute.” – Marcus Aurelius

I am focused on work so much lately because that is, in many ways, what will help me to achieve the goals I have. Not only materialistically, but when I get to where I want to be and am able to level out, I will have the financial tools I need in order to achieve many things, and I will have the time available to spend on them.

Create.
Travel.
Have an incredibly rich and even more satisfying life.

find my mother.

That’ll be a trip.