whatever. just more shit.

I remember nothing
of who you were
I can’t see your face
through my tears
I can’t remember your arms
I can’t remember your voice
I can’t understand
what made you make that choice
and though I try to hate you
and I try to forgive
and I’ve tried to ignore
and I try my best to live
what they say must be true
that blood is thicker
because through it all
I feel it’s only the giver
that can lift this curse
so I wait here for you
I’ve done my part
I’ve searched, been destroyed
been torn apart
and if you ever cry
if the loss takes control
if you have my same need
to try and fill this hole
then I’ll be here waiting
as I always have been
with my arms wide open
and I’ll let you hold me again
and I’ll remember your voice
I’ll remember your heart
find home long lost in your arms
and see my eyes in yours…

and I keep dreaming
and time is wasting
but I’m here
and I wait for you
to come running
arms wide open
mothers home, her journey’s done
and I’m dreaming
and you’ll pick me up
hold me tight, and we’re spinning
kiss these tears away

and promise me

promise me

you’ll stay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Not happy with this at all – but it’s here, so here it stays. if I start editing myself I’ll dissolve into silence and nothingness again… Maybe it might be better put to music.

rain

5:04am
Woken by a strange dream, I draw open the curtains just a touch – just enough to see the slight dance and sparkle as the rain hits the road under the streetlight.

I love the sound. Somehow cleansing.

soothing. Washing it all away for now.

 

I put on “Rain” by Tones on Tail.

ooh the rain
ooh the rain

she said, time to crush this feeling
writing very long letters as soon as it rains
ooh the rain
ooh the rain

to dance the night away
he watches topless pin-up faces
a million different jackpots
with a thousand different gazes

ooh the rain
ooh the rain
ooh the rain
ooh the rain

but it’s time to crush this feeling
as soon as it rains
ooh the rain
but it’s time to crush this feeling
as soon as it rains
ooh the rain

a long time ago, a good friend of mine
said this song reminded him of me.

It was odd to hear. Made me listen.

He didn’t usually say things like that.

cut ‘n’ paste life v.innevitable

affected.

Watching Fight Club right now.

Wondering why (but not really too concerned with) why it is that when I watch movies or read books about people that maybe just aren’t as right as our society deems (imagines, creates, infuses with it’s selective morality and corrupt standards) as its ideas of what “right” is, it sparks something inside of me and I feel a bit more comfortable, a bit more alive, a bit more at peace – and it all seems strangely familiar.

Oh, the things we suppress. What is squirming around inside of us? What do we have that could completely stand the world on end if we let it loose – gave it breath – acknowledged its life?

No. Can’t do that.

Everyone resume the game they’re playing. Everyone pretend that nothing is happening, go about your business, and roll your dice. If you work at it hard and long enough, really put your nose to the grindstone, follow the rules, get to work on time, deny the pain and the madness and the ennui and completely lose all that you are in search of the dream that they told you to dream, you just might win.

Fuck, I’m in a strange mood.

I like it.

Shit. I’ll never find a job this way…

But see, there’s a catch.

(There’s always a catch.)

The things I want to do. Learn, travel, experience, grow, give…

eat.

It comes with a price. It all comes with a price. Many things don’t necessitate one in a monetary sense, but still, many do. It’s a matter of survival. We’re caught,

but not defeated.

All there is, is to shine as brightly as we can, never losing sight of what we need. Never giving in, never handing our lives and our own dreams over wrapped in our soul in order to make it one step further to a lovely little retirement in geriatricville. Never succumbing to the temptation of personal drama in order to feel substantiated or validated – or just in order to feel. Maybe that’s what happens. We lose ourselves so completely in trying to be a “success” that we need to create situations around us simply to bring us back to life, to remind us that we’re human.

Fuck that.

Love. Breathe. Wonder. Explore. Dream. Go back to the eyes of a child. Look around and, again, and see how much beauty there is in everything with this remembered knowledge. You’ll see how everything shines so incredibly brightly, and how it’s all a part of you. You’ll walk down the street with a warmth and subtle smile, knowing that this is the only thing that truly matters. Try to remember it, because if you aren’t careful, it will be taken away again, suffocated in the mundane. Do everything you can to keep it, and give it away at each opportunity. Eventually, you will know. The language of your story will become true, you will repair your wings with paste and bandages, and learn to fly again.

That is success.

It is time to follow my dreams, regardless of how terrifying it may be at times, or the false sense of security that I must give up to do walk this path. I have lived far too long as someone else’s pawn.
It is time to live for me, to remember who I am and do what I can to help, to give, to remember how to love myself – and in doing so,

perhaps inspire others to do the same.

cut 'n' paste life v.innevitable

affected.

 

Watching Fight Club right now.

 

Wondering why (but not really too concerned with) why it is that when I watch movies or read books about people that maybe just aren’t as right as our society deems (imagines, creates, infuses with it’s selective morality and corrupt standards) as its ideas of what “right” is, it sparks something inside of me and I feel a bit more comfortable, a bit more alive, a bit more at peace – and it all seems strangely familiar.

 

Oh, the things we suppress. What is squirming around inside of us? What do we have that could completely stand the world on end if we let it loose – gave it breath – acknowledged its life?

 

No. Can’t do that.

 

Everyone resume the game they’re playing. Everyone pretend that nothing is happening, go about your business, and roll your dice. If you work at it hard and long enough, really put your nose to the grindstone, follow the rules, get to work on time, deny the pain and the madness and the ennui and completely lose all that you are in search of the dream that they told you to dream, you just might win.

 

Fuck, I’m in a strange mood.

 

I like it.

 

 

Shit. I’ll never find a job this way…

 

 

But see, there’s a catch.

(There’s always a catch.)

 

The things I want to do. Learn, travel, experience, grow, give…

 

eat.

 

It comes with a price. It all comes with a price. Many things don’t necessitate one in a monetary sense, but still, many do. It’s a matter of survival. We’re caught,

 

but not defeated.

 

All there is, is to shine as brightly as we can, never losing sight of what we need. Never giving in, never handing our lives and our own dreams over wrapped in our soul in order to make it one step further to a lovely little retirement in geriatricville. Never succumbing to the temptation of personal drama in order to feel substantiated or validated – or just in order to feel. Maybe that’s what happens. We lose ourselves so completely in trying to be a “success” that we need to create situations around us simply to bring us back to life, to remind us that we’re human.

 

Fuck that.

 

Love. Breathe. Wonder. Explore. Dream. Go back to the eyes of a child. Look around and, again, and see how much beauty there is in everything with this remembered knowledge. You’ll see how everything shines so incredibly brightly, and how it’s all a part of you. You’ll walk down the street with a warmth and subtle smile, knowing that this is the only thing that truly matters. Try to remember it, because if you aren’t careful, it will be taken away again, suffocated in the mundane. Do everything you can to keep it, and give it away at each opportunity. Eventually, you will know. The language of your story will become true, you will repair your wings with paste and bandages, and learn to fly again.

 

That is success.

cut 'n' paste life v. …

Down to the wire.

 

Today is the day my landlord uttered the last time I talked with him on Thursday. Monday. We’ll see Monday.

 

Yeah – we’ll see. Not much, though.

 

I have next to nothing for him – two hundred dollars, no room mate to cushion the financial burden, and little in the works. Looks like the things I learned in sales are going to come in quite necessary. That, and some outright begging.

 I know things will get better soon – I know there is something just around the corner. There is nothing but possibility, nowhere to go but up. It needs to happen now.

 

I now at least have a home phone, and my internet access will be restored on the 30th, they say. Why the hell does it take so fucking long?

 

Began learning from Tantra today, we started with breathing techniques – Pranayama – certain ways to induce deep meditation. I’m looking forward to working with that later today when I get home. Going away for a bit. Coming home to me.

We also touched on some energy channeling, bringing it up through the chakras, moving it around the body, directing it, raising it. This is what I’m incredibly interested in – fascinated by. I remember when I regularly practiced wiccan macicks, and how beautiful that was – the strength it gave me, the way it opened me – but there is so much more. As beautiful as it is, it is only one small aspect of energy work, and there are entirely different worlds to explore, to learn from, to use – to grow from. She will be an amazing teacher. I’m looking forward to it. I already feel a small bit of that part coming back – the part I’ve been neglecting, the part I have forgotten in the interruption of trying to take care of life.

Silly me. I should know this. Take care of the inside, and the outside works with it.

 

I can create my own outside.

 

We talked a little about her experiences, and she said, among other things, that she was even at times able to make people orgasm solely with energy = without even touching the other person. Once even in a different state, as she tapped into the energy of someone close to her to make her stronger.

 

If I ever learn to do that – look out, Cole. You’re in for a fun ride.

 

I get to do some modeling for her in the beginning of December, which I’m also excited about, and honored that she asked me. Check out her work at www.tantragarden.com – I get to turn into something like those!

 

 

Saw one of the most amazing movies I’ve seen in a while earlier tonight, thanks to Kevin. “What the bleep do we know?” is it’s name. Truly astounding, and goes hand in hand with all that I’m being told to do.

 

The subject was Quantum Mechanics – the theories based on what the hell is going on, what energy is, and how, in each thing we do, we affect all that is around us and ourselves. We create, we manifest, absolutely everything that happens in our lives by what we say, what we think, what we feel about ourselves and others. Yeah. No shit. I could have told you that – but they did it much better.

 

Magick explained in scientific theory.

 

Go see it.

 

Alright, I have to get the fuck to sleep.

 

 

cut 'n' paste life v. …

Down to the wire.

 

Today is the day my landlord uttered the last time I talked with him on Thursday. Monday. We’ll see Monday.

 

Yeah – we’ll see. Not much, though.

 

I have next to nothing for him – two hundred dollars, no room mate to cushion the financial burden, and little in the works. Looks like the things I learned in sales are going to come in quite necessary. That, and some outright begging.

 I know things will get better soon – I know there is something just around the corner. There is nothing but possibility, nowhere to go but up. It needs to happen now.

 

I now at least have a home phone, and my internet access will be restored on the 30th, they say. Why the hell does it take so fucking long?

 

Began learning from Tantra today, we started with breathing techniques – Pranayama – certain ways to induce deep meditation. I’m looking forward to working with that later today when I get home. Going away for a bit. Coming home to me.

We also touched on some energy channeling, bringing it up through the chakras, moving it around the body, directing it, raising it. This is what I’m incredibly interested in – fascinated by. I remember when I regularly practiced wiccan macicks, and how beautiful that was – the strength it gave me, the way it opened me – but there is so much more. As beautiful as it is, it is only one small aspect of energy work, and there are entirely different worlds to explore, to learn from, to use – to grow from. She will be an amazing teacher. I’m looking forward to it. I already feel a small bit of that part coming back – the part I’ve been neglecting, the part I have forgotten in the interruption of trying to take care of life.

Silly me. I should know this. Take care of the inside, and the outside works with it.

 

I can create my own outside.

 

We talked a little about her experiences, and she said, among other things, that she was even at times able to make people orgasm solely with energy = without even touching the other person. Once even in a different state, as she tapped into the energy of someone close to her to make her stronger.

 

If I ever learn to do that – look out, Cole. You’re in for a fun ride.

 

I get to do some modeling for her in the beginning of December, which I’m also excited about, and honored that she asked me. Check out her work at www.tantragarden.com – I get to turn into something like those!

 

 

Saw one of the most amazing movies I’ve seen in a while earlier tonight, thanks to Kevin. “What the bleep do we know?” is it’s name. Truly astounding, and goes hand in hand with all that I’m being told to do.

 

The subject was Quantum Mechanics – the theories based on what the hell is going on, what energy is, and how, in each thing we do, we affect all that is around us and ourselves. We create, we manifest, absolutely everything that happens in our lives by what we say, what we think, what we feel about ourselves and others. Yeah. No shit. I could have told you that – but they did it much better.

 

Magick explained in scientific theory.

 

Go see it.

 

Alright, I have to get the fuck to sleep.