magick happens…

I recieved an email from Amanda a few days ago.

For doing something that is everything I could have ever dreamed for, for being a part of Art, and expressing my own, for letting people find and express that part of themselves that may have been only something to dream about because there was nowhere else to live it, nurturing it, appreciating it, and bringing more love, beauty and art into this world…

I am getting paid. She asked for my address, and a check is probably on it’s way. Probably small, but something. Getting paid for something I love to do seems so alien to me. There have been things I’ve liked doing, but nothing that has ever encompassed absoltely everything that I needed to do – until this. Thank you, .

There are other things. It all changes. Whether I will be able to keep my home or not, I don’t know. I will try to – I love it – but that is secondary.

I am starting to climb back up. I am starting to be the me that was only fantasized about.

The pain of my lessons bears a sweet fruit. Everything happens for a reason…

Advertisement

Kind of dig this one…

Ten things that I’ve done that you probably haven’t.

Ten Things

 

1. Danced in the Disneyland Parade with the hippos from Fantasia, wearing a purple tutu – just three years ago.
2. Got home from work to find the girlfriend lying in my bed, not breathing & blue from a heroin overdose – and kept her alive.
3. Lost a wheel on my van on I-5, lost control, got T-boned by a dump truck in the driver side door, flipped five times in the air without a seatbelt, and came to rest with the side of my van propped up on the center divider with gas leaking everywhere – and only suffered a dislocated shoulder and a laceration above my right eye.
4. Got called “Axle Rose look alike.” in the early ‘90’s by The New York Times.
5. Got my friend laid by Daniel Ash in San Diego. (She still owes me.)
6. Been awake for 11 days straight.
7. Almost did a tandem skydive with a full leg cast on, but the cloud ceiling got too low. (Still looking to jump – field trip anybody?)
8. Worked on and rode a custom Harley that sold for over $65,000 – used.
9. Did the Charleston (alone) while standing underneath the world’s deepest diving submarine, the USS Dolphin. (I don’t know the Jitterbug, otherwise…)
10. Received my first blow job behind a Catholic church.

 

it's okay, I understand…

I won’t make you say
the real reason that we both know
is hidden behind all your others
that keep changing,

but now
we will keep touch to
a minimum
because feeling you against me
still brings want.

Now, when you are cold
I will shut the window
instead of pulling your body
closer to mine
and now
we will keep the comforter
between us
more for my comfort
than yours
as the desire is still there.

sometimes I feel
as if I
am
a leper

it's okay, I understand…

I won’t make you say
the real reason that we both know
is hidden behind all your others
that keep changing,

but now
we will keep touch to
a minimum
because feeling you against me
still brings want.

Now, when you are cold
I will shut the window
instead of pulling your body
closer to mine
and now
we will keep the comforter
between us
more for my comfort
than yours
as the desire is still there.

sometimes I feel
as if I
am
a leper

after I went back to sleep, another couple of strange dreams – but I remember small parts of these.

In each, there was a dead person. The first had the person in a clear acrylic coffin by the dream kitchen table, the coffin heat warped and the unfitting lid held down with a few small strips of tape. There were magazines and papers tossed carelessly on top of it, and the body inside seemed somewhat mummified…
until it came back to life, and simply crawled out of the coffin. It didn’t seem strange.

Same thing in the second dream, which was more elaborate but didn’t stick as well in my waking mind. A dead body coming to life.

Not in any “Zombie” way – just living again, the life and normal appearance back in them, and then they non-chalantly walked away…

around again and

awake again a few minutes before 5am. It happens frequently theses days, but doesn’t bother me. I usually just check emails then go back to sleep, but somehow, this time it’s a little different, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There’s a strange emptiness inside of me, laced with something that I can’t figure out. Is it worry that the good things now happening might have come too late? I don’t know.

Doubt?

Fear?

 

Loneliness?…

 

Perhaps it’s just the ghost trails of a forgotten dream.

I hope.

 

I’ll go back to sleep now, and see what I can do to fix it.

an untamed horse, running around an odd semi-deserted campground, bucking, dancing… which comes to my side and lets me pet him.

a mob of about 30-40 seemingly unruly kids, from age 6 to about 16, on skateboards and bikes coming down a wide street, who stop in front of me and start doing this amazing choreographed street dance and strange urban chant.

That’s what I remember from my dreams last night.

You all need to get this. Free worldwide calling with other users, good sound quality, free free free, easy to use (very similar to IM)free, and hell – fun.

This way I can call everybody with long distance numbers. This way you can save oodles of minutes on your cell for when you’re away from an internet connection. Download it. You will dig it.

http://www.skype.com/

(I’m at: ksea13 )

it answered…

a beautiful day.

Bean has finally been washed, I recieved a phone call from a new friend who reminded me of magick. I made it to the Ocean to watch the sun set, standing a number of feet from the tide line simply being, feeling. Doing my best to empty as a strong breeze blew against my face. 

breathing 

As the glow faded, I called to the Ocean to come to me, though I was at least 15 feet from where the waves were slowing, stopping, returning.

The first remnant of a wave didn’t come any closer. I called again, inside, to her. This time my call was answered, and the Ocean came to me as I stood still, coming in fast –  I didn’t want to get my boots wet… but I decided to trust. The water swirled around my feet, going past, but not wetting my boots more than a very small bit above the rubber of the sole. 

I laughed.

I crouched down , and put my hands in the water, feeling the energy swirling around my fingers as it pulled on it’s way back out, closing my eyes…

Home, then more magick. Coming back to me. Remembering. Not thinking, and finding the words I needed. That is always the part that concerns me…

Being instantly answered, only a few seconds after I closed the circle.

I laughed again. It couldn’t have been more perfect.

 

 

 

This is the first night, in more than I choose remember, that I am writing sober.

 

 

 

(it answered. twice.)

 

 

Going home.

Here it is again. This glaring white page, asking for what’s inside, asking for what I feel I owe it. The problem is finding the words. The problem is putting them in the right places. So much experienced is volumes more than what just simply writing about the events can convey. Language is strange like that. I want to express it all in the way that it was felt.

I would love to be able to write for hours, but I know myself better.

No! Idontwannagoooooooo!!!!! (Moving Sale)

Finally recieved the “Pay or vacate” notice from my landlord. This is more of the “last desperate attempt *not* to have to move sale”, but either way, stuff is being sold. Almost everything. It will either help me keep my home, or make the exit a lot lighter.

Please come by, and see if there is anything you might want.

Sunday (tomorrow) starting at 11:00am, 722 Page street, Lower Haight.

Some stuff for sale:

Leather motorcycle jacket
Books
Chrome grill for a ’70 Mercedes 280SL
Kitchen stuff
my house mate (shhh. Don’t tell her.)
clothes
snowboard deck
photographs
2 prints (signed and numbered) By Frank Kozik
knicks and
knacks
dresser
couch
loveseat
flotsam
jetsam
cowboy boots (black, size 13)
tables
compound archery bow (& complete setup)
desk
fax machine
I’m pimping Bean out
office type chair
19” computer monitor
Native American flute (F#)
“Pan” flute
Bluefurrycoat (Just kidding – not a chance.)

I don’t have much time to answer emails, but if you have a good question (and not “What books” like some idiot off craigslist asked), I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks.

~ Casey

it's all a dance…

I’ll try to say it so that it can be felt, as it is perfect in that. Sometimes words don’t measure up when it is described to someone distant, and they need more.

The evening began in the afternoon. The morning and early afternoon were spent working, answering emails from everywhere else, handing over chandelliers, getting a good check for them and then, after a call and in a mild panic, riding to cash that check and give nearly all of it to the people that supply my electricity. Money then none. It happens that way these days, and all is desperation. Lucinda and Whitney were coming over. I can’t call them. Lucinda arrived just as I was looking for paper to leave a note on the door, saying that I will be back shortly – I need to do this or we will have no computer or light except her, and as good as she feels, it is difficult to read by her kind of light.

Taken care of. Electricity won’t be shut off tomorrow. Home.

Home. Notes taped to the door. “Pay or vacate”.

“Hey – look what I got!”

Good thing I picked up some saki with the little coin remaining. Lucinda tells me   is on her way, whe helped direct her. This is good, as I want the two to meet. Both beautiful, both delicious, both worth each other.

Both love.

Lucinda is worried about the notice. One week to come up with a rediculous amount of back rent. On the way home, i got some sake, and I open it. “Let’s celebrate change.”, as I start to heat it…

Then, the rest of the evening.

So much, but not now. I am tired. Perhaps next time…

it's all a dance…

I’ll try to say it so that it can be felt, as it is perfect in that. Sometimes words don’t measure up when it is described to someone distant, and they need more.

The evening began in the afternoon. The morning and early afternoon were spent working, answering emails from everywhere else, handing over chandelliers, getting a good check for them and then, after a call and in a mild panic, riding to cash that check and give nearly all of it to the people that supply my electricity. Money then none. It happens that way these days, and all is desperation. Lucinda and Whitney were coming over. I can’t call them. Lucinda arrived just as I was looking for paper to leave a note on the door, saying that I will be back shortly – I need to do this or we will have no computer or light except her, and as good as she feels, it is difficult to read by her kind of light.

Taken care of. Electricity won’t be shut off tomorrow. Home.

Home. Notes taped to the door. “Pay or vacate”.

“Hey – look what I got!”

Good thing I picked up some saki with the little coin remaining. Lucinda tells me   is on her way, whe helped direct her. This is good, as I want the two to meet. Both beautiful, both delicious, both worth each other.

Both love.

Lucinda is worried about the notice. One week to come up with a rediculous amount of back rent. On the way home, i got some sake, and I open it. “Let’s celebrate change.”, as I start to heat it…

Then, the rest of the evening.

So much, but not now. I am tired. Perhaps next time…