magick happens…

I recieved an email from Amanda a few days ago.

For doing something that is everything I could have ever dreamed for, for being a part of Art, and expressing my own, for letting people find and express that part of themselves that may have been only something to dream about because there was nowhere else to live it, nurturing it, appreciating it, and bringing more love, beauty and art into this world…

I am getting paid. She asked for my address, and a check is probably on it’s way. Probably small, but something. Getting paid for something I love to do seems so alien to me. There have been things I’ve liked doing, but nothing that has ever encompassed absoltely everything that I needed to do – until this. Thank you, .

There are other things. It all changes. Whether I will be able to keep my home or not, I don’t know. I will try to – I love it – but that is secondary.

I am starting to climb back up. I am starting to be the me that was only fantasized about.

The pain of my lessons bears a sweet fruit. Everything happens for a reason…

Kind of dig this one…

Ten things that I’ve done that you probably haven’t.

Ten Things

 

  1. Danced in the Disneyland Parade with the hippos from Fantasia, wearing a purple tutu – just three years ago.
  2. Got home from work to find the girlfriend lying in my bed, not breathing & blue from a heroin overdose – and kept her alive.
  3. Lost a wheel on my van on I-5, lost control, got T-boned by a dump truck in the driver side door, flipped five times in the air without a seatbelt, and came to rest with the side of my van propped up on the center divider with gas leaking everywhere – and only suffered a dislocated shoulder and a laceration above my right eye.
  4. Got called “Axle Rose look alike.” in the early ‘90’s by The New York Times.
  5. Got my friend laid by Daniel Ash in San Diego. (She still owes me.)
  6. Been awake for 11 days straight.
  7. Almost did a tandem skydive with a full leg cast on, but the cloud ceiling got too low. (Still looking to jump – field trip anybody?)
  8. Worked on and rode a custom Harley that sold for over $65,000 – used.
  9. Did the Charleston (alone) while standing underneath the world’s deepest diving submarine, the USS Dolphin. (I don’t know the Jitterbug, otherwise…)
  10. Received my first blow job behind a Catholic church.

 

it's okay, I understand…

I won’t make you say
the real reason that we both know
is hidden behind all your others
that keep changing,

but now
we will keep touch to
a minimum
because feeling you against me
still brings want.

Now, when you are cold
I will shut the window
instead of pulling your body
closer to mine
and now
we will keep the comforter
between us
more for my comfort
than yours
as the desire is still there.

sometimes I feel
as if I
am
a leper

it's okay, I understand…

I won’t make you say
the real reason that we both know
is hidden behind all your others
that keep changing,

but now
we will keep touch to
a minimum
because feeling you against me
still brings want.

Now, when you are cold
I will shut the window
instead of pulling your body
closer to mine
and now
we will keep the comforter
between us
more for my comfort
than yours
as the desire is still there.

sometimes I feel
as if I
am
a leper

after I went back to sleep, another couple of strange dreams – but I remember small parts of these.

In each, there was a dead person. The first had the person in a clear acrylic coffin by the dream kitchen table, the coffin heat warped and the unfitting lid held down with a few small strips of tape. There were magazines and papers tossed carelessly on top of it, and the body inside seemed somewhat mummified…
until it came back to life, and simply crawled out of the coffin. It didn’t seem strange.

Same thing in the second dream, which was more elaborate but didn’t stick as well in my waking mind. A dead body coming to life.

Not in any “Zombie” way – just living again, the life and normal appearance back in them, and then they non-chalantly walked away…

around again and

awake again a few minutes before 5am. It happens frequently theses days, but doesn’t bother me. I usually just check emails then go back to sleep, but somehow, this time it’s a little different, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There’s a strange emptiness inside of me, laced with something that I can’t figure out. Is it worry that the good things now happening might have come too late? I don’t know.

Doubt?

Fear?

 

Loneliness?…

 

Perhaps it’s just the ghost trails of a forgotten dream.

I hope.

 

I’ll go back to sleep now, and see what I can do to fix it.

an untamed horse, running around an odd semi-deserted campground, bucking, dancing… which comes to my side and lets me pet him.

a mob of about 30-40 seemingly unruly kids, from age 6 to about 16, on skateboards and bikes coming down a wide street, who stop in front of me and start doing this amazing choreographed street dance and strange urban chant.

That’s what I remember from my dreams last night.