fruition

A month organizing, at least. No less than two hundred emails about the specifics for one show. Projects organized and scrapped. Weeks being consumed with every aspect, greeting the emails at first conciousness in the morning and last thing before my eyes closed for the night, every thought about how it might be better or what to do about this or that. Falling into a beautiful swirling world where all I can do is encourage and recommend and hope for the best.

April 26, 2005. The Great American Music Hall. The Vau de Vire society, Rosin Coven, and The Dresden Dolls. MC’s by Paul Nathan, with some beauty thrown in by $teven Ra$pa.

It happened, and it couldn’t have been more perfect. So much beauty, so many incredible people that gave their time, energy, and creativity just simply for a few hours of doing what they love to do – and because of them, it was the best show we have ever done. Even Amanda said “the show the other night at the great american music hall ranks among my favorite shows EVER.” in one of her extremely rare postings to the  DD forum.

And we grow at a somewhat surreal pace. This is the zeitgeist, and we are only a part of it – one day we will all be gone, but until then, we give all that we have to create and nurture the beauty around us – at any cost. The sacrifices we make are nothing compared to what is happening all around us, and we’re fortunate enough to be a part of it – that’s all.

The DD had a meeting with their new busines manager on Monday, and one of the things they were going to discuss was my salary. Amanda asked for some ammo to go into the meeting with so that they could justify the money spent, so I wrote out a description of what I do and sent it to her. It ended up being three pages long, including a few testimonials that I solicited from people that I have had contact with in The Brigade.

No decision was made on Monday, they put it off for a week, Amanda told me Tuesday on the day of the GAMH show. (Fuck. Okay, a week – but I need money NOW! Alrightalrightalright. I’ll sit tight – but goddamn it, the delays have been going on for way tooo fucking long and I don’t think you understand that when I say broke it means broke without a fucking dime to my name and if it wasn’t for Naia and Sion who have made certain that I had some food and a roof over my head I wouldn’t be able to do shit and NONE of this could have happened but fuck I love what I do for you and fuck I love what we create and yes if I didn’t have them I would probably be at some cafe with free internet drinking water and still trying to do it hands trembling and mind mush because of hunger but yes – I would still do this …)

A week. That’s what you have. I’ll accept it because I understand that you’re busy and things are growing and even though this is everything I have ever wanted to do in my life and because these are the most critical times for all of us (do you even fucking REALIZE how much effort goes into what I do and how much the rest of my life has been neglected for the past number of weeks and how many things I need to do but can’t because in the brief time I get away from it all I want to do is push it al aside and watch a movie with Naia or sleep or just sit and seperate for the briefest amount of time in order to maintain sanity and yes I know I need to clean the house and yes I know I need to fix this or that and yes I know I need to address a couple very important things in my life but this is my passion and this is my priority right now and while all of that suffers Iknow that in a few days after the Sacremento show I will be able to do everything I need to do for myself but not until then until then it is all about US and not me) I will swallow my tongue and set my needs way back and hopw that something good come of it…

And something did.

The show was astounding. Awesome. We didn’t know at the time, but Trent Reznor showed up at the show. Our show. the show we all worked so fucking hard at, and he loved it – especially The Brigade.

My Brigade.

When The Dresden Dolls headline, we always have a number of spots on the list for them as a small way to show our appreciation – it is unfortunately the most we can do right now, but the list spots are ALWAYS open for them at our shows. In the beginning of the tour with Nine Inch Nails, we were told fery clearly that there won’t be ANY for us – hell, the Dresden Dolls arebarely able to get their family and closest friends in – but after the GAMH show, things changed. Amanda called me the next day saying that Trent specified that we now have six Brigade slots for each NIN show. He love us. We opened his eyes and he saw what we were creating, and that changed everything.

I can’t express how incredibly enourmous this is for The Dresden Dolls – but you may get an idea.

The Dresden Dolls Manager – whose job (among a million other things) is to make certain that their overhead costs stay low and manageable, was at the NIN shows. He heard the news. He now realizes how important The Brigade is to the show, as it’s been introduced as more than just something we do – it’s an integral part of the show, and what people come to see and be a part of. We were able to translate it into skyrocketing popularity for him, and touched on what his job is – financial growth.

He saw the results of what I do, and saw how effective I can be at it – by the time the second NIN Warfield show came around, I had confirmed an amazing contortionist/hand balancer, a couple of beautifully costumed stilters with living marionettes, and a puppet master.

Last fucking second. Beautiful people. Incredibly professional. (If anyone wants their info, let me know – they’re the best!)

I love the people I get to work with.

I love what I do…

 

But it’s Saturday, early afternoon, and there are a bunch of other things I need to do as well – like find a new couch to surf. Hopefully, with the realization that this is far more than a full time job, I will be compensated for my time enough to afford a home and some food. That’s really all I need.

Well, that and a costume budget…

 

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(GASP!)

If I only had time to say everything I feel right now…

Here’s a taste: Trent Reznor apparently showed up at the Dresden Dolls show last night, saw what we could do, and fell in love with it.

Now, from having a definite ZERO slots for any of the brigade on the list, he has fallen in love with what we create – the beauty, the magic – the love…

…and as of earlier tonight, we now have a Brigade list for the NIN shows.

I need the highest caliber of performers. If anyone has any suggestions, please send them to me!

…and it all is beauty, and it all is love.

I couldn’t be happier – I’m incredibly possesive and in love with my Brigade, and feel like the proudest father in the whole damn world…

simple pleasures

taking a break from everything, I have found the perfect place to set my cup on the rotating tray of the microwave to leave it directly in the front for me. 48 seconds, at about 5:00.

I could put it in the center, but where would be the fun in that?

Fuck, I have a lot to do.

 

1. Leave me a comment asking for an interview.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

 

Answers to   questions

just a taste

at the Wonder Closet, enjoying being with Naia and listening to the things that sound good right now as she manically bounces around changing things in this ever-changing shop of sensory delight.

So much to do, it feels, but it’s all coming together. It’s all so fucking beautiful.

It begins again in one day, in New Hampshire.

Meanwhile, I find it difficult to separate myself from my lovely lappytop fro fear of missing a last second necessary reply to a desperate question, and I toted it here with the idea of writing. We’ll see how that turns out.

We went and saw Regina Spektor last night, and she is the most adorable thing in the world, without question. Beautiful and incredibly talented voice, delightful lyrics, and nothing but her on stage, with a vast emptiness of a sold out show in front of her, listening to her lovely songs, standing so still as each of us felt that the only way we could feel like were there would be to get closer to her – but with all the beauty she offers, it was still somewhat empty. nothing but her, alone, for all of us. We sucked all we could out of her in order to feel closer. It’s all we had to reach for. She must be drained.

She looks so alone.

The check from the DD finally arrived yesterday, and is nearly gone already. Most of it went back into gathering the necessities for the upcoming show, tails and top that Naia & I will reconstruct into what our vision is for them. Getting ridiculously small amounts that I throw back into what it’s all about. That needs to change.

just a taste. That’s all I have to offer right now, but I needed to put something down.

(This sentence has been edited out of intoxi-frustrated boy world.)

I love them and what I do so dearly that words can not describe it, and I don’t want to fuck up possibilities.

I’ve always been a fool when love has been involved – but I’m not an idiot when it comes to the value of my time.

Hence, the dichotomy. I love something that I refuse to give up, but at the same time, I will step away from it with little regret if I feel there is no love returned.

There is a balance that needs to be…

balanced.

It’s coming together – more or less.

The work I’ve been doing for The Dresden Dolls has been rewarding, but has taken me away from most everything else. The shows have been good, though – from what I’ve heard.

I was able to get an amazing video that one of our incredibly talented fans created screened at their Cleveland show, which with another stage performance done by The Brigade was something of a logistics nightmare – when do we screen it? It’s beautiful, but slow – can’t put it on directly before, need to keep the energy of the crowd up, can’t put it on after – nothing comes after. Can’t put it on first thing, I don’t want to – I want people to see it…

A few days before the show a group comes to me with their amended performance ideas – no poi or belly dancing, but use your talents, be creative, come u with sonething – and they did, which fit perfectly. Cool. first band, Video, Brigade performance, Dolls.

It worked. It fucking worked. Vince got to show his video, Kaylee goto to introduce it, all went well.

I wonder if Amanda & Brian know the frustration I go through sitting in this borrowed home, this beautiful place that I’ll need to leave so incredibly soon to find another one to endlessly try to figure out what people will fit the list the best, offering a balance of both macabre and candy.

I don’t want to leave this place…

I find it difficult to write anymore – so much running through my mind, feeling a bit taken advantage of but not able to let it go. There’s another small check on it’s way, which is more of a gesture than anything that will actually help. I’m curios as to what the talks of my salary will amount to, and a bit frightened that it may be moe of an insult than anything – but we;ll see. I’ve been kind, patient, accepting, but all of those are wearing as thin as my excitement as the energy I put into this is not finding a balance, and I thirst for signs of appreciation from them…

The San Francisco show is going to be one of the most amazing ones ever done – there is so much happening, and it will be so damn beautiful – from the Vau de Vire society doing a set with Rosin Coven (and performing to two DD songs) to stilt walkers, Steven Raspa, Lenora Claire, Nicolas Ceasar’s bizarre creations http://www.scary-art.com/sculptures.htm and more than I can even begin to explain right now.

I’ve been completely horrible at staying in contact with anyone – the last thing I want to do is send out another email, and my mind and soul feel drained of anything to say these days. Just a hiccup in the daily life, I’m sure when the S.F. show roll around I will remember why I am doing this and be full again, but in the meantime I feel as if I am being sucked dry by them.

I do get the infrequent email from some people on The Brigade that are beautiful and make me happy, and I cherish those dearly – but at this point, I need more. I need financial compenstion. If it wasn’t for Naia & Sion, I would’t eat. I haven’t had an unborrowed dime in my pocket in over three weeks.

It can’t go on this way. I can’t go on this way. Where normally the written word comes somewhat easily to me, I can’t even get something written to post on Tribe about the show – I’ve been trying for three days.

…

I’m fucking good at what I do for them, but it takes one hell of a lot out of me. It has taken too much. I know that they;re insanely busy as well – I have endless admiration for all the work they put into it, but for all their effort, they’re the ones who bask in the applause and love at the end of each show, and everywhere else – they give and give and give, and they get back. They get refilled, and they certainly deserve it.

It seems as if I am only giving, and I am being drowned in a void of appreciation.

I don’t want applause.

I simply want to be able to buy my own food, and be less of a tax on the people who care for me.

so much

I could speak of my financial problems – waiting for something to be decided as far as salary for The Dresden Dolls, and subsisting on buttered toast and the occasional yet guilty grace of a mercy meal from N or S. They have been saving me, keeping my energy up – except for N, who has a delicious tendency to suck it out of me, damn her.

I could talk about my growing love for N., something I don’t want in my life right now but is perfect, and the battle I am having with that. I can’t give her and the way she looks at me up, and I don’t want to, and I won’t. Comeing to me as something of a sweet fairy, she gives me tastes of how delicious she is, how she satiates my appetite – and the possibilities. Such a perfectly deviant woman, an exquisite face in its oddness – far from a typical beauty but that makes her even more delightful, and my gods, the things I see in her eyes, the way her lips touch me…

I could write of the exhaustion this job creates – until they go on tour and I get the ocasional emails from people that have had the experience of their life, thanking *me* of all people for it…

I could talk about how wonderful the current couch I am surfing on is, how accepted i am here, the comfort, and how Bean is so welcomed.

Or, I could talk about nothing, wanting to write everything but not having a beginning.

exhaustion

I think I’ve finally caught up with the emails for The Dresden Dolls – for today, at least. So much fucking beauty interlaced with a bajillion more “Will you put me on the list? I’ll pass out things.” emails, and as tempting as it is, I can’t let those go. I can’t ignore them. There have been a few diamonds that I have found shining in all the lumps of coal, and I need to respond, to nurture – to discover them perhaps as they discover themselves. It’s not for me to write people off simply because they aren’t able to express themselves in their emails, but my gods – it sure does consume the time. Salary talks are in the works – in a way I’m excited, and in a way I’m incredibly nervous. I adore doing this, but it takes a hell of a lot – and I would rather do it for nothing (even though I wouldn’t be able to)instead of a subconcious insult of very little pay. I know that they will offer what they can and I will appreciate it and accept it, but I am concerned that if it is less than I feel is even almost reasonable there might be a slight waning of passion for it…

Nah. The passion will still be there, just not all the time necessary for what I have been doing. It keeps growing.

On the stilts for the second time yesterday, they’re feeling more and more comfortable. I think that I will absolutely have to wear them at least for a bit at the upcoming shows, not necessarily for the stilts themselves, but for the amazing creations that the beautiful Naia is making for me to wear – with a tiny bit of my help as she teaches me to sew.

I am one fortunate bastard.

I am one fortunate bastard who needs to write but doesn’t really feel like it right now.

Okay, damnit. Should this just be a purgethelatestevents thing so I can cleanse myself of that? Hell, I don’t know.

It feels at times as if the almost incessant answering of emails suck me dry. Not much to say anymore, it seems – at least not in the way I wish to. Hm. Here I am whining again about writing.

Okay Casey, shut the fuck up. Write.

1:42am. There is a bird somewhere close – probably a whole bunch of them, actually, but only one that is growing to be a problem. Some sort of bird that has flown too damn fast to the Mission district of San Francisco and now has its time schedule all screwed up, or has some sort of amphetamine inducesd multiple personality disorder. 1:46am, and the damn thing is still chirping it’s happy fucking morning song, made very clear in the fact that it is the ONLY bird chirping. It sounds like a Mocking bird with all the different songs, but perhaps the reason it is still chirpingchirpingchirping (I swear this fucking thing doesn’t stop) is that it is having an amazing conversation with itself and about seven other bird personalities.

This has been going on for a few nights. I wonder if it pisses the other birds off that are trying to sleep. I wonder if IT sleeps. This is a damn nightmare, bringing back the times where I hated to hear the birds start singing just before the sun came up, after being in my own private amphetaworld all night and knowing that there would soon be intruders into that, those people who slept waking up and going about their daily lives. It was always the chirping that made me realize that my twisted solitude was soon to be over run by the sounds of reality – always the first birds…

Okay, I’m going to sleep now. Fuck this bird and the uncumfortable memories it brings.