…and again, so much to say, but so tired.
Last night was the first time in far too long that I was able to read more than a page and a half. I’ve tried, but usually end up succumbing to the exhaustion of these past weeks before I get through only a few paragraphs – sometimes before the book has even been picked up…
Strange shit in the last place that housed me, the day before an understanding that I would get back to my chores after things with the DD settled down, then the next morning being asked to leave. Hard to find a place for a dog and his boy in two days. I feel confused, hurt, – insulted.
I’m now in a warehouse in Oakland, and Bean is in San Francisco with a friend who is caring for her dearly, and loves having her there – but I miss her. H couldn’t be more of Bean’s dream, and the guilt I feel in not being there for either of them is excruciating, but I’m locked in Oakland without even fare to get there much less reimbursement for the food and love she and her daughter have given to Bean, and I start to question myself – due to many things that have happened recently…
Am I a user?
I have the best intentions, but follow my dreams – and as a result alienate the people who care about me. I don’t speak of what I’ll do too much, I’d rather DO, and I think that is the largest problem. I have made too many promises that have been unfulfilled and therefore prefer to wait without words until I am able to live up to them, and though inside I know what I intend, they don’t – but it has been so ridiculously long that I’ve had to depend on others – for food, for shelter…
Hopefully, it will soon be over, this vagrant existence where I take all that is offered because I need to but don’t have the resources or time to give much of anything but a “thank you” back.
I loathe that. There is no worse feeling for me. I try to be good, I try to be everything to everyone, but I always fall short these days.
I follow my dreams, and I won’t stop – this dream is all I have left, and it is becoming a reality. I help people become what they are all over the world, but in the process as it stands now, make the friends I have here sick of me in my needs, in my lack of physical appreciation, in the way that I can orchestrate beauty thousands of miles away but don’t have the means to even buy myself fare to go visit my girlfriend.
Yes, I’m a user, but unintentionally. All I have right now is the obsession with making this dream come true, and the kindness of those who can still tolerate me.
Everything I do is with the intention of someday giving back.