I approach again aprehensively. Could ther be anything said tonight that hasn’t already been said so many times before?

A ten foot face on the deck stares skyward in its rest, soon to be attached to a scooter heading for Burning Man, and though it is novel, I find so little amazement in it.This is San Francisco. I’ve seen a 25 foot tall chandellier sitting in a warehouse, fallen from the sky, moved from the Playa.

I’ve seen many things, over the course of a life that, for some reason. I am able to continue – and I do.

Forward.

forward.

A strange and beautiful solitude, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore. The past months have let me forget the necessary, and I sit here, always the stranger, always the vagabond. I hear Flash and his laughter upstairs, rilishing in it, wishing – waiting – for mine to come as easily again.

It will.

Change the tempo.

Swirling walls of orange and I’m sober, a solace in this place that is glorious yet I still can’t find me. Part of me is sanctuary, solitude, and there is nothing that equals simply a Place To Call Home. home. home. home. I try to click my heels and nothing happens, I litter the floor with a project that I must clean up, I lose so much in this it startles me.

I will have a home soon. I will have a desk, I will hook up the fucking 21 inch monitor that Kevin gave me ato Clotho and have a space that is mine.

A space that is mine….. Is that greedy? No – necessary.

I worship my solitude, and I haave found that simply being alone doesn’t qualify. I need a home.

In ways, I loathe the thought of moving to Boston – but in others – having Bean, having me, doing what I need to do – forward –

it is good, and right action…

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backwards and forwards and forwards with love and passion.

It’s been a while since I’ve been here, I’ve been busy – though that isn’t the real reason it’s been so long, there just has been so much to say and My head has been in much more of a “get things done” mode than anything else, and when it is like that I tend to lose the imagery and words that are so dear to me.

In a way it is frustrating. I want to paint a million worlds with the words I write, I want to dance with language and lead. It’s difficult when, though I have many places to rest my head, there is no sanctuary for me to find where I can transform into the person who used to be able to close the door to the place that was home, shut MY door, and escape.

This will change soon.

I recieved news yesterday morning that an apartment has now been found in Boston for myself and a dear friend, and I will be driving across the country late August with her to arrive there in the first few days of September.

I’m torn by this, in ways. Though I don’t want to leave this city, there are so many things happening which necessitate my being there that I need to go. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t – but it will be hard to leave this place. So incredibly hard – but necessary. The dream is becoming reality – is reality – and it calls, so I follow.

So much to do.

Now that a home (a HOME!) is secured, I need to buy a van to make it there. This will be a bit difficult considering my current financial status, but hell – this is what is supposed to be, and it will happen. The beautiful people on the Beast Coast have even set up a donation thread in order to ease the financial burden, but hell – we’re all broke, so it is only trickling in. If anyone who reads this has an insatiable desire to help me in this move, please go here: http://www.theshadowbox.net/ddbb/viewtopic.php?t=4202 and I will really appreciate it. Unfortunately we are not a non-profit yet, but that will be in the works soon.

So much to do.

So much happening it is making my head swim.

So much beauty.

So much beauty I am leaving behind – but it is necessary.

I remember my childhood – the knowing that I always had something more to offer but never knowing what it was, searching for so much that I couldn’t find, and therefore numbing the pain of incompletion (and other things) by turning to drugs, turning to any escape I could find. Losing so much of my life to that. Forsaking everything.

I want people to know there is a place they can go to become who they are – to have a place where they are accepted, encouraged, embraced. Plans are in the works for a place of sanctuary for all who wish to fint it – a “Brigade House”, which will offer free workshops in all aspects of performing arts, educating, nurturing, letting them be themselves, embracing diversity and welcoming them with open arms. We will start with Boston, and eventually have them all over the world.

This is my dream – and much to the past chagrin of my parents and lovers, my dreams are nothing less than what I know can happen in reality, and though there are many times I (and many other people) have thought myself a fool, and though countless times I have denounced my dreams and tucked them away, they never gave up on me.

This will happen. I’m not fucking around anymore.

Boston better watch the fuck out, because I’m going to turn that place upside-fucking-down. I’m not leaving my heart in San Francisco, I’m bringing San Francisco’s heart with me. Get your costumes ready.

Get yourselves ready.

There’s a lot of work to do, and it isn’t just makeup and dressing pretty. There are things we need to change.

I love you.

Damn. Couldn't resist.

Don’t know about that “unlimited energy” part – that’s for damn sure…

I am The Sun In the tarot the Sun symbolizes vitality and splendor. The Sun is definitely not a meek and retiring card. You have total confidence in yourself. You are not cocky, but profoundly sure of your power. You have unlimited energy and glow with health. You have a greatness about you and stand out brilliantly. Finally, you see and understand all that is happening within your sphere. When you see this card, know that you will be successful at all you undertake. Now is the time to let your light shine. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

Damn. Couldn't resist.

Don’t know about that “unlimited energy” part – that’s for damn sure…

I am The Sun In the tarot the Sun symbolizes vitality and splendor. The Sun is definitely not a meek and retiring card. You have total confidence in yourself. You are not cocky, but profoundly sure of your power. You have unlimited energy and glow with health. You have a greatness about you and stand out brilliantly. Finally, you see and understand all that is happening within your sphere. When you see this card, know that you will be successful at all you undertake. Now is the time to let your light shine. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

Inevitably, it begins to wear on a person.

That’s what I begin with, yet the words to follow it are not so simple or liquid in their coming. This adventure has it’s freedoms, of course, but the sacrifices weigh heavily, from the way there is no physical place I can deem home to the simple frustration of having such little ability to satiate my passion and love, which is primarily achieved on the internet. All that I have had, including this, has been spotty at best, and that is no way to make this boy at peace.

It sounds so fucking trivial – complaining about an internet connection, but it is what I need…

Hell, I’m tired. It’s been a long and lovely day, getting done what needed to be done and having a necessary talk with someone who can now become a friend again without my own resentments resonating through the relationship and turning me into someone who I am not, crying together for loss and absurdity, and knowing things will be better.

I’ve lost words, I’ve lost poetry. I feel this deep inside and I don’e know what to do about it but find a home, somewhere I can feel at peace and comfortable and give back what I need to in order to remember that what I am doing is impotant, never hesitating in the notes of confidence I need to send.

This is why I am movong to Boston.

I hate the idea of leaving San Francisco, but there are things I need to do. There is a certain comfot level that needs to be there for me, and without it,I cannot focus. I can’t do what I need to do, which is everythng I have ever dreamed of.

It’s not easy, it’s not simple – but fuck – when have I ever chosen that route?

I need to sleep now.

I love you.

Ask, and…

Simple words can not desribe this evening.

Spent with a new friend, fellow busker from the Wharf, Daniel. Magician and Contact Juggler extrordinairre.

Such beauty. Things with cards I have never seen before, and such a toy a cigarette is in his hand!Vanishing, re-appearing, so much beauty…

Bars, Mexican restaurants, traveling the Mission Dostrict with such a loving and giving talent, he amazed people everywhere with his beauty, we became friends, and though at first due to his constant chatter I didn’t give him my trust, I think he may be worthy of it. Still, I keep some walls up. There are some who are welcomed with opened arms, and some who need to prove. Just feelings, and I trust my feelings…

He will teach me, though and

I need to learn.

And he’s fun as hell to hang out with.

I will always learn, and give more.

I told him of my recent vow to myself to never be restricted by a typical “job” ever again, and this boy who never stops speaking was suddenly silent, stepped back, and held out his hand.

“Welcome.”

I passed his hand and hugged him.

One of us. One of US!

This is the NEW.

When I seems as if I'm falling inside,

There is always someone to pick me up.

This is from a friend in Venezuela, who I have never had the opportunity to meet, and we only know each other through our writing and a strange, unexplainable connection. I don’t know how or why she found me so many months ago, but I am glad that she did.

Her name is Zoe. This is her most recent gift to me.

=============================================================================

I do admire you… I do not know how you do to live the life you live. You remind me of the replicates in the Blade Runner Film. So wild and beautiful like poetry lost in time… like tears in the rain…

Do birds ever come to you?

I will be praying for you these days… for you, my friend, to get home soon. I am so very glad life is good to you because you are so good, way over too many stupidities of this world. And, I might be wrong, of course, for I perceive your nature must bring this need to pull it all the way. Not being a slave at any risk… it’s a pretty good damn meaning and purpose. I believe in you, you are an inspiration to life itself…

I feel you have been giving way too much, and you are so intense, could be dangerous like love… you seem from here like a wild tender beautiful authentic being, more than human. I want to pray for you to find what you are looking for, what you really need….

There is something of me in you; still we might be completely opposites… You are, brother, creator of fantasies, worlds, and million thousand ways to fly. I watch you fly mesmerized; still I wish something wires you to the land… I don’t know why, sometimes I wish I could become that wire to connect you with your land, or at least, send it to you in some magical way…

The higher you fly, the further away, the deeper this wish buries in me… like a dream, it cuts. It’s not easy to say this kind of things, to describe this kind of experience without some fear…

I hope you’ll understand… I hope you do receive a kiss and a hug with these words which aren’t enough, I know, but it’s all I got now…

Blessings

When I seems as if I'm falling inside,

There is always someone to pick me up.

This is from a friend in Venezuela, who I have never had the opportunity to meet, and we only know each other through our writing and a strange, unexplainable connection. I don’t know how or why she found me so many months ago, but I am glad that she did.

Her name is Zoe. This is her most recent gift to me.

=============================================================================

I do admire you… I do not know how you do to live the life you live. You remind me of the replicates in the Blade Runner Film. So wild and beautiful like poetry lost in time… like tears in the rain…

Do birds ever come to you?

I will be praying for you these days… for you, my friend, to get home soon. I am so very glad life is good to you because you are so good, way over too many stupidities of this world. And, I might be wrong, of course, for I perceive your nature must bring this need to pull it all the way. Not being a slave at any risk… it’s a pretty good damn meaning and purpose. I believe in you, you are an inspiration to life itself…

I feel you have been giving way too much, and you are so intense, could be dangerous like love… you seem from here like a wild tender beautiful authentic being, more than human. I want to pray for you to find what you are looking for, what you really need….

There is something of me in you; still we might be completely opposites… You are, brother, creator of fantasies, worlds, and million thousand ways to fly. I watch you fly mesmerized; still I wish something wires you to the land… I don’t know why, sometimes I wish I could become that wire to connect you with your land, or at least, send it to you in some magical way…

The higher you fly, the further away, the deeper this wish buries in me… like a dream, it cuts. It’s not easy to say this kind of things, to describe this kind of experience without some fear…

I hope you’ll understand… I hope you do receive a kiss and a hug with these words which aren’t enough, I know, but it’s all I got now…

Blessings

chasing the sunset back to San Francisco at 30,000 feet.

It lasted for hours…

I should be asleep, but instead I’m on the roof of the latest temporary home as that’s the only place I can connect to WiFi.

Doesn’t anyone have their own fucking accounts anymore?

Feverish, weak, been statuing at Fishermans Wharf in the biting ocean wind, sticking it out as long as I can. Most times I’ve statued with Naia, but for the first time yesterday I did it alone, a bit aprehensive on my way there but all fears subsided as I set up, then got on the box.

It was beautiful, and would take more time than I have now before this connection goes out, but here are some brief highlights:

The Japanese girl who delicately placed yer hand in my outstretched one for a photo, then gave the highest shriek and stumbled away, falling over and laughing when my hand closed around hers.

The next woman who also placed her hand in mine, but wasn’t at all so phased by mine closing – so I didn’t let go for at least 15 seconds after the photo and she was trying to get away…

So much laughter, so much wonder I hear in their voices, so much love. I feel they walk away with at least just a bit more beauty in their hearts – I am certain that many of them do.

I would like to statue alone much more often than I have been.

So much more I can say, but the cold and drain on my body has given me a fever and I’m feeling weak and sore, so I should probably get off of the roof…

Tomorrow I go out with Naia again, much more prepared for the cold than the last three days.

This bouncing around is driving me insane – my stuff spread out all over the bay,wondering where I will be sleeping in days to come but not having the interweb access to accomplish much. I need something a bit more than a couple days at a time…

With a goddamned internet connection that I can depend on.

frustrating.

So little time available these past days on the interweb, so incredibly much to do.

Clotho is in Oakland – I intended to go back to Whit’s house, but with the biting cold and few people wandering around at the Powell Street Cable Car Turn Around (heard it was better at night than Fishermans Wharf) we made scant money – not enought to get to Oakland & come back first thing tomorrow to finally get to F.W. tomorrow to statue for the lunch crowd…

So now, hobbling along on dial up, just a few minutes to catch up a bit before I need to sign off, only being able to address the most important and shortest things in the brief amount of time I have…

frustrating.

What I wouldn’t give for an entire night or two alone, no distractions, just me and Clotho (and maybe some bourbon and cigarettes) so I can catch up on all that I’ve not been able to do for what seems to be weeks…