From a recent email, typo’s and all:
The deluge has begun, and i find myself being brought out of a slumber
laced with ennui and remembering who i am. The blood is pumping again,
and I love it.
I think I’ll start my next LJ entry with that.
No one needs to tell me, but I am always appreciative when I hear it.
The emils I’m getting – people who have been limping along finally
breaking down their wallls and becoming incredible, that’s what I
need, that’s what I thirst for, that’s where I fine my passion. My
gods, girl – sometimes I find tears of happiness falling as I see what
It has begun again, and reminds me of who I am, of why I am. It isn’t the necessity or intensity of the move in eight days, it isnt the worry that we might not make it, it isn’t anything but the way I see people grow around me. From a tribe that I needed to start to this, I find my calling. The old black man sitting on a ramshackle porch smoking a corncob pipe and offering eternal wisdom comes in many ways. That is what I wanted to be, that is what I am. I light my last cigarette and watch the smoke curl. It’s not a pipe. It doesn’t need to be. i’m that man I wanted to be. I live my dreams. My wings unfold and I fly, I fly in the Sea. I need to get back there before I go. Alone or with someone who knows that they shouldn’t talk to me, shouldn’t be around me. I loathe the trivial and mundane. Leave me with my thoughs at this time or be like her and her singing on my birthday last year. I will never forget that, the song that washed over me as the Ocean did. One with so many years behind has so many memories.I wish I could remember all of them.
A new breath and I find it humorous as i lose it so easily, but when it’s time to step up and the need for me comes again I am there and I am who i am. I thirst for this, and it comes to me. There is nothing that could ever replace it. You haven’t seen what i have, These people growing, reaching inside, becoming like I always need to, becoming more.
A difference will be made. Having no blood of my own, they have become it, and they are my children. Strange how things happen.
I need to try to sleep. Much to do tomorrow.
I leave in eight days. Sarah arrives tomorrow night. I leave? What the fuck am I thinking?
I know I need to. I have been reassured.