Calm mind, Rat back.

Each day, each hour, it gets better. The adjustment back into people and general life was difficult at first – very difficult. I wondered if I was losing myself again, but then I sit alone, quietly, and it all comes back – the beauty, the calmness, the strength and the awareness, and each time it gets stronger. The fear is now gone. My eyes shine, I speak with sincerity, my heart is not the shrunken and blackened thing it had become, heavy and bringing me down with it, thirsting for and being kept alive only in sorrow and misery, in need and craving digging up all the pains of my past and re-living them. Honestly, I believe the misery was one of the few things that kept me from joining Bean under the train – that, and the desperate belief that things might get better. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t certain. I was terrified. I was so incredibly close to a silent Good Bye…

That was then, less than two weeks ago, and almost every day since September 27th. Ten days have changed my world. It was painful, it was grueling, it was nothing I ever wanted to do, but knew I needed to do for myself – and those dear to me. It was the best thing I have ever done.

I now sit in my tent, a small “fireplace” of eight candles battling the cold, listening to Mahler and loving the peace of the night. The scarf that Cole knitted for me months ago in San Francisco increasing the warmth, the hands that constructed it still caressing my neck while it is worn, bringing a warm smile. Fond memories of selecting the yarn (is it yarn?) with her.

Yes and yes, life is better. My heart is light, full, open. My smiles are sincere again, I feel the energy coursing through my body, and I am alive. My mind is calm, aware, strong. The desperation has subsided, the person who took the slightest thing and built it up into an explosion of irrational intensity has been put to rest. I rest. No more night sweats, no more torment in the dreams I dreamt, and plans for so much – plans that I will follow through on. Tomorrow I cut out pieces to make fire drums, (I need to teach myself to play drums!) run through the forest (time to start working out again) and hit a couple of malls asking the managers if it would be possible to set up inside of them for the holidays. Beautiful plans for a Thanksgiving in The Enchanted Forest, an intricate fire fountain that I need to create, building a bicycle out of all the carnage we have laying around here – so much to do. I love it. I have energy to live again, to create, to love without being so self fucking centered about it. To love without giving a damn if it’s returned, like I needed to hear so desperately for the past few months. An entirely different kind of love. One that is light and free, given because there is so much of it inside of me.

Yes and yes, I am happy. Bordering on Bliss, because everything is peace, my mind is quiet, my heart is open again, and needs nothing from anyone else. The drama subsides, the over-emotional little boy so sucked up in abandonment issues has been put to sleep for now.

But hell – my entire body still aches from almost ten complete days of kneeling and sitting. Anyone have an incredible desire to give me a massage? Whit, Kevin – want to fly out here and double CMTeam me?

One piece of the course I will share right now – on the 5th day, we began a practice that required us to remain in posture, for one hour three times a day, without changing position at all. This was called “Sittings of Great Determination”, which, in seeing it posted on the bulletin board in the male dining hall, my mind immediately transformed into “Rats of Unusual Size”. This was strangely prophetic – the rats are still crawling around in my back…

To sleep – to dream beautifully, to create something new each day, to run through the forest , to exercise and work out, to keep breathing, living, loving like I don’t give a damn. I don’t. There’s no reason to. It’s pure that way, no need…

Make good dreams.


13 responses to “Calm mind, Rat back.

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