The light of the Sun is long gone, but still the occasional bird is heard chirping. Now, my own light fades. Sleep comes soon.
Lima rests on my bed in a lazy peace, the candles warm the room for us. It is much too chilly for her to be chained outside waiting for him to return from work. She curls up – I take the edge of the comforter and pull it over her, and she looks at me. I think I may see appreciation in her eyes.
I’ve been thinking about my Bean quite a bit these days. It hasn’t even been three months – but seems so much longer. A couple times a week I still look at her pictures, a couple times a week my eyes still blur with tears – but directly below them is a smile of love and serenity – but still, with her absence I am awash with an ever-present sense of loss, not having her here to comfort me, not having her here to hold and know everything will be okay, not having her perpetual smile brightening the darkest times.
I smile so much less these days, it seems – but I still can. I smile when I am alone, such as this morning when I woke up early and walked through the forest, slowly, knowing the life and letting it be with me. Bean was there, too. I smile when I think of performing on NYE, but that is more of a nervous smile than anything else. I smile – I smile, and I mean it, when I am alone with my thoughts. I smile at the thought of Cole visiting, and holding one of the very few people I count as a dear friend again – someone who knows me better than most, and is not afraid.
The night train sounds it’s whistle. The clock ticks slowly. I don’t think I will be able to wait until the New Moon, new year. Before that, I disappear. It has been far too long already.
Earlier tonight I was considering mixing my blood with the half vial I saved of Beans – just about to, then my tent was swarmed. Pleasantly so – I had four people in here including myself, but fuck – wrong time. It was nice to have them, though – amusing, at least…
Goddamn – this is horribly placid. Too bad most of you (I’m hoping) missed what I wrote last night and then made private this morning – that was scathing and delightfully honest in it’s uncaring harm…
Good night. Happy Solstice.