Today I moved formerly immovable things to a place where they seem to not exist, surrendering to the fact that whining about them didn’t solve anything and taking action. Silly me. It took a whole twenty minutes of my time to move the horrible clothes rack that has been stored here completely out of the way. The thought proces was: I should move it upstairs. I wonder if it will fit in my closet? Wait! I can break down the rack and hang the clothes in my closet! – and that’s what i did, leaving the living room space open to exploration. It has begun.
Tonight I decided not to paint my apartment, as much as the glaring white needs it. Instead, another idea – I will drape it.
Soon, I will have an apartment sraped in beautiful fabrics, full of sensuality and warmth. It has already begun, and I am feeling better. Of course, parts of the wall will dissapear when i eventually get a sewing machine, but that’s just part of the magick. I will create my home out of costumes, costumes out of my home. The energy will be amazing. I just need to learn how to be much more creative on a sewing machine – but I can learn anything.
My altar is finally in the place I imagined it, now that the rack of clothes that don’t belong to me is tucked away – it is in between beautiful windows that stretch almost to the floor on the left, and the doors to my balcony on the right. Tomorrow I will drape the fabric behind it, then set my triple-Godess mirror that I had made for me so long ago above it. Perfect. Eventually I will get the wraught-iron sconce that Kevin has been looking after for me, and place that on the wall to the left of the doors.
I will be home, until it is time to go again. Then I will take the fabric with me and create a new space, somewhere else.
I will find the place I am supposed to be for what I need to do, and there is so much I need to do. I haven’t done enough, and it feels good knowing that, as far as i am concerned, I never will. Everything I can for everybody – there is a reason I am not dead, there are things i have done that have helped a few people. There is more I need to do. Always more.
Stardust has given me some information of ways to beat this pesky little virus that has tried to destroy me, and though I must asmit I am skeptical — whatif it works? So many promising things,so many things that you need to “be in the know” for, because they just may work, and the things that work must stay underground. I believe that there is a way to actually be cured, and I completely understand why the information is so hard to find. When I was taking my meds, they came to $1600/month. That was part of the reason I stopped, even though I got them for free. There are people who need them so much more than I, and the government just doesn’t give a damn. Let them have them. I’m strong, in a very strange, unnnatural way. I will survive. They need every bit of help they can get.
I need to perform. i need to be able to make that my sole source of income. I am not a tux-wearing waiter, though I am everything. As much as I can be, only a few things make me happy. Only a few things make ne feel like I am making a difference and delighting people. I need to perform. I need to have fire, and makeup, and stilts, and the faces that are saturated with dreams as they look at me.
I desperately need work – not only for money, but for my soul, for my growth and the growth of others. I have been blessed/cursed with something – I have survived with this virus for years and years, and, just maybe, I can give that lust for life to others, so that their eyes might get a bit brighter, so that they might go into the job they loathe the next day and know that they don’t have to be there, so that they might grab a shovel and start digging desperately for the dreams they set aside, thinging that they would eventually get to them.
I ain’t necessarily young. It took me a long time to find out what I needed – but maybe – just maybe, I might be able to help you realize how desperate the situation is, and how importand it is to drop everything, and follow your dreams.
Listen to them. You shouldn’t need me – but if you do, i am here.
Rememember your heart – remember the fire you had inside of you as a child, and shine. Blind them in your beauty…
(I feel like I should lock this for me – but I ain’t gonna.)