I take a sip and notice that it now burns as it goes down. It didn’t before I stopped drinking less. That’s a good sign.
I got the news. I keep shutting my heart away and bringing my brain into it, remembering all of the comforting words that I have learned over the years to make it better, to make it acceptable.
It almost works.
I guess that I am supposed to be here. Perhaps this is a challenge we must get through, a test. Maybe we weren’t ready for it. There’s a reason for everything. If I were supposed to go, it would have happened – I just wasn’t supposed to. Not this time, at least.
It almost works, but doesn’t.
I realize that Italy was only a small part of it. A new adventure, a different country at last, a solid gig instead of hoping that things work out here and I’ll be able to survive during the horribly sweltering southern summer here. That there might be enough work, enough to keep me busy and keep the weight I have struggled to put back on.
No, Italy and the excitement of another culture was only part of it.
When you long for someone daily who is 2000 miles away, and they go even further for a greater amount of time than you’ve even known them – what do you tell yourself to make it better? How does someone go about the days? The nights?
Foolish little boy – you know better than this. You let your guard down, you were so thrilled to finally find someone worthy and understanding enough to let you tear away a few pieces of your walls – and now – now, you’ve opened up the game. The Universe has just moved. She is going even further away, with much less contact available. No more nightly wishes for the sweetest of dreams, no more random afternoon text messages just to let her know that you’re thinking about her.
So what’s your move? You could shut down, something you are so well acquainted with – but no. Not anymore.
You could give up. Yeah, that would be so fucking easy, wouldn’t it? Let the sorrow and self pity overtake you, extinguish the flame. Go back to who you were before you realized that you could shine so brightly, back to nothing. How is love so fucking powerful to even let me consider that?
OR, while she is away, you could use the energy found in the love you have, found in the frustration, found in the wanting to be everything better than you every day, found in the constant reaching into the places that are uncomfortable inside and outside, found in the delicious uncertainty of life and where it takes you to every day be just a little bit…
Yeah, that’s it.
Though I must admit that I’m feeling the woeisme’s right now, I’ve been through many hells, and I KNOW that there is a reason, and I know that there is a purpose, and I know that if I didn’t have one, i would be long dead. I will become even more, I will strive through the most challenging moves that life throws at me, and I will be everything I can, every day.
Who knows where this will go?
Wherever it goes is not for me to say or even dream of, as many dreams as I have.
just let it be what it will.
There is a reason for everthing, and there is a reason i need to go to sleep right now – avter I read the next chapter in my book – but first, good shit:
Staff is coming along well, but i fuck up when people are watching. I’ll fix that.
Three packages in the mail today – one from New Zealand, my new fire toys and staff spinning DVD; One from – Sarah. The last person i said a heartfelt goodbye to who sent me a book. We just opened up conversation again, and; one that says I have access to the Playa in September.
great Yoga class
a lovely walk,
And the very best thing about today?
A call from Whitney, telling me that she came home with tear-filled eyes from her therapist to find the peanutbutter&jelly sammich I sent her. Something that made her smile made me do the same.