Three beautiful days in Gulfport, painting Cole’s house, a Theta healing session with Dawn on the phone, (an entirely different entry there) reading, movies, a walk along the Gulf shore, complete with two Hermit Crabs. I haven’t seen one since I was a child, playing in the tidepools of La Jolla…

Back to New Orleans, then Mojo’s for dinner where I ended up giving Raven a hand washing some of the dishes that had built up during a small rush – that was kind of fun & it made her happy…

Now, at the new Z’otz while the tube on my bike gets replaced…

A dream a very old friend had where I grabbed her to keep her from falling off of a large stone obelisk, and she told me of a cure…

I have learned everything I needed to learn from this. I have learned a lot.
Dawn said that she felt that it has been here since I was 16.
I am ready to release it now. It is not how I need to define myself anymore,
nor do I need to suffer
to grow.


when it feels as if

there is nothing but confusion right now, that all I am able to do is hold on, hope for the best and do whatever I can to direct it in a way that is positive,
when I look past today at everything here and everything there
what I am doing and what I *need* to do
and finding only part of what is necessary in each thing
I reach desperately for the few small things I do have control over –
myself, my direct actions
and find a strange peace in knowing
at least I still have that
if nothing else right now.
if not her right now.
at least I still have that.

Anyone who might have been intending to come visit me in New Orleans

better do it soon.

…just a feeling right now, that’s all,
but something is about to change again, and it feels like it’s going to be big, and soon – within a couple of months.

And so concludes our livejournal prophecy minute.

(Goddamn, and just when I finally find an apartment!)

one thing after another…

Okay, this is primarily directed to the NOLA folk who happen to be reading this right now instead of doing something constructive.

Is there a bike shop anywhere close to Juan’s Flying Burrito on Magazine, or, for another option, does anyone with a car want to give me a lift down to *my* bike shop on Frenchman & Chartres?

While I was tending to a friends kitties, plants & lizard I am caring for while she is away, it seems as if the most important part of the rear tube on my bike decided it was no longer meant to be of this world, and last night its soul and purpose for being leaked out, leaving me with the useless carcass of what once was a lovely functional tube.

I tried to inflate it with more soul at the gas station across the street, but it wouldn’t take. Even prayers to James Brown went unanswered.

My tire needs it’s soul. I need to get home, so I can get my ass out to the square & work.

If anyone could possibly help direct me to a bike shop that is close or get me to the other one, it would be greatly appreciated – and I promise to amuse you with completely disfunctional (though non-violent) nicotine withdrawl chatter and twitches.

Bring your video camera. We may just get something good…

Really, really wrong fucking time to quit smoking. I really don’t know what the fuck is going on with anything anymore.

it’s like kicking the last things that I can count on being there for me out of my life when I need them most.

I pulled one smart move, though, and stuck the butt from The Last Cigarette into The Last Pack. Just open the pack and sniff.

Funny how that’s the sole source of support.

yeah, i know, woe is fucking me. fuck off. Fuck You.

Feeling quite irritable these days. Four out of five inannimate objects can attest to this.

I apologize to them.

In other news, the best line I heard today working on the Square –

About a 4 or 5 year old girl, whispered to her dad after I winked at her while she was walking by:

“Daddy, there’s someone *in* there!”

Thank heavens for little girls…

Okay, that was kind of bizarre.

I looked at the blank “update journal” screen, reached over to my left, and picked up a pen, ready too…
Ohshit. I looked at the screen, then at the pen in my hand, and gently put it down – and as I am the only one in my apartment, I looked around with a sheepish, silly grin, hoping that I didn’t notice what I just did…


The not drinking thing has lasted almost two weeks, and save for once where I *really* wanted one (which, for me, means one bottle of Jim Beam), it has been quite simple. All it really took was a decision, and then simply saying “I don’t drink.” – and believing it. This is the first time since ’92 since I have done this, and then, living in NYC and still a wee pup, it was much more difficult. I mean, fuck – what was I – 24? I then chose to go to AA meetings, which now seem quite rediculous to me. “Hey – let’s quit drinking, and then go to meetings where the main focus is just that and all the pain and difficulties we’re having with it. Let’s *focus* on booze, drink shitty coffee, and smoke like chimneys sitting in metal chairs under the glaring flicker of flourescent lights!” Nah. May work for some people, and certainly did for me at that time – but since then I’ve remembered a few things, been through some shit, and realized how strong I can be.
I’ve taken to going on midnight rides around the city on my bike, when it is almost cool enough to use more than one muscle group at the same time without breaking into a sweat. These rides have been cleansing for me.
I’ve also found that I needed to change my perception of New Orleans, and instead of letting myself be devastated and frightened when I see the destruction from Katrina & the flooding, i look at it – need to look at it, in a different light.
I see a father & son across the street painting their house, I ride by people sitting on their stoops in the warm summer night, wave to them, and – without fail, they smile and wave back. I see piles of what were once homes and posessions literally on every block I ride down in my new neighborhood, and see people rebuilding their lives, refusing to give up even with a new hurricane season upon us.
I smell the Jasmine,
I look at the Moon,
I see all of the destruction, but
I feel the strength and hope of this city, as well.
I try not to tilt my head back and look up at my wall, which at one point is about four inches away from where it should meet the cieling – knowing that with one more good storm it is coming down. I can push it out an extra inch with one hand. I’m afraid to try two.
Instead, I look out the window at my Willow Tree, or out another window across a beautiful, poorly manicured lawn at the ferns growing in a huge, high clump on the ground. i was out there today looking at them, and saw four butterflies – big, beautiful, black with aqua spots on the back of their swallow-like tails – two pairs of them, actually, mating in their erratic butterfly way. What a pain in the ass it must be to be a horny male butterfly. “Hey – c’mon! Just LAND ON SOMETHING already!”
Occasionally I see a Cardinal resting in the branches of the trees that shade the ferns.

This is what I see now. I also see mornings, and welcome them…

But like I said, this Beam-less existence is much easier than I initially thought it would be, especially in this city, where, as Todd put it so well, “Even the air is 40 proof.”
The challenge just isn’t what I was expecting it to be, so I did me some thinking over a cigarette, then another cigarettte – and i realized that smoking just isn’t as fun or satisfying as it was with the hootch. On top of that, in the few times I actually entertained (& acted upon) the idea of quitting, there was always the “Except when I’m drinking” clause, which of course led to going out more, and soon enough, of course, the whole thing was blown to shit.

Well, now. Here I am. Not drinking, and up for a new challenge, a new test of will for myself. This one just may be a bit more difficult, seeing as I can count the combined weeks on one hand where I haven’t smoked in the past 20+ years.
Goddamn. Am I that fucking old?
Last night, I bought my last pack of cigarretes. With intention of this being the last pack I ever buy I fed the quarters into the machine at Mojo’s, opened them, Said hello to the wonderful Raven as we watched the many ways the world might end on the tv, went to EnVie, and would have written this there had it not been for D. coming in, sitting down at my table, and thinking I wanted to hear all the mundane shit he had to say about nothing.
When my mood of beautiful solitude and peace was effectively scrambled, he left, and though I couldn’t get back to writtenblather space, I *did*, with a chuckle, pick up the pack of cigarettes, take off the bottom cellophane, and write “LAST PACK” all over them – just so there is no doubt in their mind. Today, as an added fun to this game, I actually numbered the remaining cigarettes on the tip of the filter, so I can count them down – then added a little more decoration to The Last Pack. It will take an honored seat next to The Last Bottle on my windowsill.
It’s just a game – a test of will – and I’m going to win.
Just try me.
(And oh, I expect that you will…)

just one.

Just one friggin’ word.
Yeah, I was suckered into this by a dear friend who did it, and couldn’t resist posting on his.
So here it is. Could be fun………….

[::] Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me — it can only be one word long. Then copy and paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you

For nine nights she wrapped herself around me, mercilessly, uninvited and unwelcome but impossible to banish or ignore, as much as I tried. She was stronger.
We spent the nights together, tearing at the sheets, bathed in each others sweat, taking cold showers and baths – occasionally I could swear that I heard her laughing as a frustrated, pleading moan escaped from my depths. She had the power and she knew it, she used it, suffocating me, taking away sleep. The sweat pooled on my body, soaking my pillows and sheets as she greedily sucked at every inch of my flesh, insatiable in her damned southern lust.
Now, perhaps, I know why drinking is such a way of life here. It’s all because of her. We’ll do anything to escape.

I refused to give her that power over me, and as a result, she found me, tortured me…

Until last night. Last night I won. She was gone, driven away, and I enjoyed my first true sleep in over a week. I felt her absence as I returned from working in Jackson Square, and though she – as always these days – walked with me there and back, wrapped herself around me as I was standing, and did what she could to make me loathe her, as I opened the door to my new apartment she stopped short, knowing she could no longer torment me in my home.
Yesterday morning I finally got a working air conditioner installed.

That is the only way to keep that hot, humid, Southern Bitch out of here.

If it isn't at the bottom of this bottle

if all the things I search for, if all of the things I run away from don’t show themselves to me
as I pour out the last remaining drops from this bottle of bourbon and hold it up to my eye
hold it up to all I ever wanted to be and search for what I need…

If what I need is not there again and again and again this time
making me nothing of all I could be
making the language of my story slurred and
frustrating, painfully frustrating

perhaps the answer isn’t there. Perhaps
I should look other places and put this final bottle
of Jim Beam Black on a shelf as a reminder
to see every day
to look at and laugh silently to myself
finally knowing again
that this is not where I should be
and I could be so much better
and I just may be the someone that some people see in me
and i just might take care of myself
and I just might feel like I am worth it
worth more than the over and done with of late

selfish bastard

and i just might
be worth you
so much more importantly
I just might
be worth

months of away I don;t want to know
I run from everything I search
for everything I can’t find
and no one can fix anything
no one else but me
taking me away from me and finding again
not at the bottom of this bottle
there is no peace here
only the desired nothingness
and the empty bottle of bourbon
reflects too much.

Am I up for this challenge?
Challenge brings growth. i have taken myself away, and

I want to bring me back.

I am not unaccustomed to pain.
I welcome this
I welcome this.

A new adventure.