the show went well. Completely exhausted.
And, if someone randomly asks you if you know anyone who has ever spun fire staff to a New Orleans brass band covering the theme from “I Dream of Jeanie”,
you can tell them, that yeah – as a matter of fact, you do.
Don’t you feel special now?
Well, I asked for it, meditated on it, and Universe gave it. I got the call from my agent just this afternoon saying that, if I want ’em, they’re *all* mine. I wanted. I accepted with thanks.
Then proceeded to laugh hysterically.
Oh, me oh my. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a workout.
4:15 – 5:15 Stilting gig.
then get ready for
5:30 – 6:30 Fire show.
break
7:00 – 8:00 Fire show.
All of these – solo.
Two.
Hours.
Of.
Fire.
I’m not going to even *try* to figure out a routine for the fire shows. Just going to let it flow as well as I can.
And break out the fire clubs – for the first time.
“Only by taking risks can we hope to accomplish the extroardinary.”
Take my hand, and dance with me
We’ll flow through the secrets
of yesterday
and realize
the dreams of tomorrow,
finding ourselves in the beauty
of now –
as we dance with no limits
with endless possibilities
as we dance
as we dance
to the song
of today.
(Paper scratchings from last night.)
I just got back from visiting Bean – she looks fantastic – as happy as she always was, playful – I think more energetic.
We got to play in the Ocean this time, it was an absolutely beautiful day – warm, sunny…
somewhere along the line, she’s learned how to swim!
It was so wonderful to see her again…
There’s a strange sense of sadness
as I watch someone I used to work with at the restaurant
ride by on his bike
uniform draped over his arm
on his way to another day
of the daily grind…
And I wish more people could be like Tana
the dessert girl at the restaurant
quiet, shy, soft spoken
but who emailed me just a couple days ago,
wanting to meet, ask questions
saying that she couldn’t stop thinking about
becoming a statue
performing in the street
and finally
doing what she wants to do
for her.
Inspired by a project – and Henry Miller.
“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”
Henry Miller
“Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed”
“One of the reasons why so few of us ever act, instead of react, is because we are continually stifling our deepest impulses.”
Henry Miller
“The tragedy of it is that nobody sees the look of desperation on my face. Thousands and thousands of us, and we’re passing one another without a look of recognition.”
Henry Miller
…and something that digs deeper than most…
“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once;
just once,
understand.”
Author unknown.
But I don’t need you to believe what I believe. I would never want you to feel what I feel at times. I don’t want your heart to go
where mine’s been.
I just want you to understand.
That’s all.
And that
that
is everything.
Shortly after the show started, the rain began to fall.
I was spinning my staff at the time, and as the rain fell, I got down on my knees in the grass, leaned back as far as I could, and turned my face up to the sky, spinning the staff above me.
The flames spinning around my head, the rain coming down onto my face, thunder, lightning…
For a few brief moments I lost myself, just swimming in the pureness and magick of it all.
For a few brief moments, nothing else mattered…
The solo fire show went incredibly well.
After weeks of prep, practice, working on the sound track, mental rehersal, physical, semi-lit (just the staff) rehersal in the midday sun, terror, anxiety, a bajillion what if’s, a bajillion ohshitI’mnotgoodehough’s, a last hour (literally) music change – and the knowledge that I would never have gotten to where I would be if I didn’t take risks, if I didn’t truly believe that anything is possible, if I didn’t have the knowledge so just simply turn off all the nay-saying inside of me and trust my heart to come and do it’s thing, I would never be where I am today.
And wadda ya know – I *was* good enough.
Now, to get better.
I’m a very happy boy.
Within the past few days:
Offered place to stay for a couple weeks in S.F.
Offered place to stay for a couple weeks in L.A.
*Possibly* found an amazing communal living space in Venice
Got a kick-ass driving companion to The Playa – a BM virgin!…
…and I’ve got a feeling that the Universe is agreeing with the energy I’ve been putting out to it.
so:
I’m leaving NOLA August 24th.
Burning Man
A couple/few weeks in San Francisco working (aahhh – the Wharf!) and visiting friends I haven’t seen for a year or more, then
Moving to Venice. (L.A. Not the other one with all the skinny boats.)
Of course, some things still need to be tied down and sewn up, – but hell, that’s never stopped me before, has it? Luckily I have a new sewing machine.
(snicker)
If anyone has a cheap van they wish to sell, or knows where I might find one…
If anyone has a camp that wouldn’t mind having me…
I’m coming home.
(edit)
and I don’t know if this means anything, but I will arrive on The Playa exactly one year from the day I left San Francisco.
It’s been one hell of a year, in so many ways. So incredibly beautiful, so much love, so much magick, so many lessons, so much beauty – and so much sorrow.
Can’t wait so see what the next one has in store for me!
yoinked from Amanda & Raven…
Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you’reinterested in/curious about – it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as an LJentry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life.
(addition: It doesn’t need to be a physical thing. It can be a thought, a feeling, a dream, a memory. I will do my best to portray it. Challenge me. ~~~kSea)
I don’t know what it looks like, but I know its feel. I feel it in images of people with their souls glowing in their eyes. I feel it in words written that should be mine in their descriptions. I feel it inside of me, and I see it. I see home. It can only be seen with a heart. It can only be felt in a smile so true that there is absolutely no question of how pure it is. The face doesn’t matter. There is nothing that can be physically described. A blind person would probably have a much easier time, but they would already have to be there. It is felt. It is magick. It is creativity. Freedom. Love, pain, release. Creation, Destruction, and everything in between. That is my need. I know where it is.
It is not here. Not for me. I feel that I must be weak – but don’t we all need someone? Someone. Who? How many?
Aren’t I enough for me?
I do anything I wish, I make it happen. I knew magick before I knew the word. I was never suprised, I knew and I smiled. I was always different in ways that most different people weren’t but I never gave a fuck. It was death that I yearned for.
And something strikes me. I’m still alive. Still incredibly alive and I know why and I need to know why and it changes every day. I struggle. I fight. I keep smiling hoping that it will bleed into me and stay.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Why do I need you? Why should I care? Are all of you worth the price I will need to pay? I would give ten times that not to need to to laugh with all of my heart because of you. I would give everything I have and more to be able to live with loneliness and not even realize that I might be. But – I do need you. Perhaps there is a strength in admitting that. I pretend not to be weak and you are worth everything and I need you.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Perhaps I am. I have lived a full life and continue to do so. I am me, and really, that’s all – but I have something to give, somewhere, and I have something that – now, at 38 years old, is telling me that I just might love to share this chaotic life, the lust to create, the insatiable desire to make this world we all live in a better place, person by person…
There is something inside of me that tells me that it might be nice
to turn and share a satisfied and triumphant smile
knowing we changed something
with someone and so many people
who smile back.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Mirrors can’t dance down the street, can’t skip, can’t sing harmony in a silly song, can’t inspire.
I am, I am not. I need a smile reflected without glass. A heart that is more than the solitude echo of everyday these days, a pulse that I can feel as I lay my head on your body, and listen, and smile.
Home has no walls, no windows. It is not a place, not a city, nothing that has a name. It only has doors. They are always open.
I want to come home.
Statue story of the day…
(in very brief. Tired.)
Standing, a group of people looking at me, taking pictures. Lots of pictures.
Not tipping, no sign of intending to. Fine. Whatever. I learned a long time ago not to let that get to me…
Then, loudly over a speaker, I hear (we all heard) “Put some money in the box!”
Huh? Wha?
I turn my eyes to the left, just far enough to see a NOPD car parked about 20 feet away.
They put some money in the box.
Nice to have that kind of support.
Yikes.
In less than one week I have my first, official, self-manifested, professionally paid fire performance spinning staff, eating & breathing for some random wedding reception.
Solo.
Twenty minutes.
Alone.
Just me.
Spinning staff – which I’ve only been doing for about three months.
I think I’m a bit (incredibly) nervous, BUT,
I also think I’ll look at it this way:
I’ve only been spinning for three months, and I’m already getting jobs! (Or at least “job”.) Just *think* of what the future holds! Also, in those twenty minutes, one third of an hour – I will make half of my rent.
No shit.
Now all I need are about five or six (or ten) jobs like this a week, and I can finally get off the street.
I gotta admit – I have a lot of fun, most of the people I encounter are great – but goddamn, it’s getting hot here…
of Petals & Thorns 