The solo fire show went incredibly well.
After weeks of prep, practice, working on the sound track, mental rehersal, physical, semi-lit (just the staff) rehersal in the midday sun, terror, anxiety, a bajillion what if’s, a bajillion ohshitI’mnotgoodehough’s, a last hour (literally) music change – and the knowledge that I would never have gotten to where I would be if I didn’t take risks, if I didn’t truly believe that anything is possible, if I didn’t have the knowledge so just simply turn off all the nay-saying inside of me and trust my heart to come and do it’s thing, I would never be where I am today.
And wadda ya know – I *was* good enough.
Now, to get better.
I’m a very happy boy.
Within the past few days:
Offered place to stay for a couple weeks in S.F.
Offered place to stay for a couple weeks in L.A.
*Possibly* found an amazing communal living space in Venice
Got a kick-ass driving companion to The Playa – a BM virgin!…
…and I’ve got a feeling that the Universe is agreeing with the energy I’ve been putting out to it.
I’m leaving NOLA August 24th.
A couple/few weeks in San Francisco working (aahhh – the Wharf!) and visiting friends I haven’t seen for a year or more, then
Moving to Venice. (L.A. Not the other one with all the skinny boats.)
Of course, some things still need to be tied down and sewn up, – but hell, that’s never stopped me before, has it? Luckily I have a new sewing machine.
If anyone has a cheap van they wish to sell, or knows where I might find one…
If anyone has a camp that wouldn’t mind having me…
I’m coming home.
and I don’t know if this means anything, but I will arrive on The Playa exactly one year from the day I left San Francisco.
It’s been one hell of a year, in so many ways. So incredibly beautiful, so much love, so much magick, so many lessons, so much beauty – and so much sorrow.
Can’t wait so see what the next one has in store for me!
yoinked from Amanda & Raven…
Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you’reinterested in/curious about – it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as an LJentry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life.
(addition: It doesn’t need to be a physical thing. It can be a thought, a feeling, a dream, a memory. I will do my best to portray it. Challenge me. ~~~kSea)
I don’t know what it looks like, but I know its feel. I feel it in images of people with their souls glowing in their eyes. I feel it in words written that should be mine in their descriptions. I feel it inside of me, and I see it. I see home. It can only be seen with a heart. It can only be felt in a smile so true that there is absolutely no question of how pure it is. The face doesn’t matter. There is nothing that can be physically described. A blind person would probably have a much easier time, but they would already have to be there. It is felt. It is magick. It is creativity. Freedom. Love, pain, release. Creation, Destruction, and everything in between. That is my need. I know where it is.
It is not here. Not for me. I feel that I must be weak – but don’t we all need someone? Someone. Who? How many?
Aren’t I enough for me?
I do anything I wish, I make it happen. I knew magick before I knew the word. I was never suprised, I knew and I smiled. I was always different in ways that most different people weren’t but I never gave a fuck. It was death that I yearned for.
And something strikes me. I’m still alive. Still incredibly alive and I know why and I need to know why and it changes every day. I struggle. I fight. I keep smiling hoping that it will bleed into me and stay.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Why do I need you? Why should I care? Are all of you worth the price I will need to pay? I would give ten times that not to need to to laugh with all of my heart because of you. I would give everything I have and more to be able to live with loneliness and not even realize that I might be. But – I do need you. Perhaps there is a strength in admitting that. I pretend not to be weak and you are worth everything and I need you.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Perhaps I am. I have lived a full life and continue to do so. I am me, and really, that’s all – but I have something to give, somewhere, and I have something that – now, at 38 years old, is telling me that I just might love to share this chaotic life, the lust to create, the insatiable desire to make this world we all live in a better place, person by person…
There is something inside of me that tells me that it might be nice
to turn and share a satisfied and triumphant smile
knowing we changed something
with someone and so many people
who smile back.
Aren’t I enough for me?
Mirrors can’t dance down the street, can’t skip, can’t sing harmony in a silly song, can’t inspire.
I am, I am not. I need a smile reflected without glass. A heart that is more than the solitude echo of everyday these days, a pulse that I can feel as I lay my head on your body, and listen, and smile.
Home has no walls, no windows. It is not a place, not a city, nothing that has a name. It only has doors. They are always open.
I want to come home.
Statue story of the day…
(in very brief. Tired.)
Standing, a group of people looking at me, taking pictures. Lots of pictures.
Not tipping, no sign of intending to. Fine. Whatever. I learned a long time ago not to let that get to me…
Then, loudly over a speaker, I hear (we all heard) “Put some money in the box!”
I turn my eyes to the left, just far enough to see a NOPD car parked about 20 feet away.
They put some money in the box.
Nice to have that kind of support.
In less than one week I have my first, official, self-manifested, professionally paid fire performance spinning staff, eating & breathing for some random wedding reception.
Spinning staff – which I’ve only been doing for about three months.
I think I’m a bit (incredibly) nervous, BUT,
I also think I’ll look at it this way:
I’ve only been spinning for three months, and I’m already getting jobs! (Or at least “job”.) Just *think* of what the future holds! Also, in those twenty minutes, one third of an hour – I will make half of my rent.
Now all I need are about five or six (or ten) jobs like this a week, and I can finally get off the street.
I gotta admit – I have a lot of fun, most of the people I encounter are great – but goddamn, it’s getting hot here…
Fire Arts Practice
Mondays, 8:30 until around 10:30ish
To the best of my knowledge there is *no* other public fire practice space in New Orleans, so I decided to create one.
On Marias, just off of Esplenade heading towards the river – in the parking lot just past the first building on the right (my apartment building).
Pretty much everything is secured, so I’m calling it a go.
If you want music, bring a portable player (please!)
Fire safety measures will be strictly enforced and adhered to. We need to preserve this space and opportunity!
Anyone who wants to practice, anyone who wants to learn, anyone who wants to watch are welcome. I intend for this to be a friendly community atmosphere where we can all learn from each other, and have some fun while doing it – so let’s do it.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me or give me a call.
ksea13 (at) gmail (dot) com