I scare myself sometimes
when I think
that if this is what it will forever be like
that if all i want to give
all i want to feel

I can’t

ever

then forever
is nothing I ever
want to feel…

…And what if tomorrow
is just a little bit better?
Past words in a different life –
I know better now, but
but
still I dream
and most have come true
but
still, I dream
and sometimes…

sometimes…

3/24/99

because there isn’t anything
that makes sense anymore

because there isn’t anything
that i have to make me smile right now
and the pain of my impatience
has control over me
and i feel
futile like nothing will ever
be complete
and i hate it all right now
and i hate you all
right now
and fuck this place
and fuck this job
and fuck this morning
and fuck you people
and fuck this page
fuck the moon
fuck the sun
fuck the stars
fuck this life of nothing from nothing and
i would love to open myself up
and feel this poisoned blood
leave me
watch as it stains the sheets
a final crimson
watch this morning
and everything else

disappear

as my eyes slowly close

but wouldn’t that be
just so fucking
redundant

and what if tomorrow is just

a little bit

better

3.24.99
i look out the door to the gray sky
same as it is inside
when there is nothing left
and nothing matters today.

i look to the gray sky
the color has faded from this boy
dead eyes and an empty heart
and nothing matters today

i dream of the peace in draining
on top of my bed, eyes slowly close
and i feel as there is nothing left to give
i’ve never been able to see it so clearly.

a dream of over and done with
i just don’t care anymore
and it doesn’t matter who she is
i never knew her anyway.

erase forever and always
never have they made much sense to me
when the beginning of the story is nothing but a myth
the author gets to choose his own end .

3.25.99
hoping the people
are alive enough tonight
to save me from myself
and these thoughts that scream,
making me afraid to think at all.

innocence lost when
ignorance was pushed away
and i opened unknown doors
and hated who i saw

how can this
pitiful romantic
this lost little boy
so infatuated
with the tragedy of the heart
find it so hard
to believe in love?

i want to go back
to the magic and beauty
seen through the eyes of
the child full of wonder that
i once was

lost so beautifully in the dreams
of what i once believed
could be…

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