skirt, boots, eyeliner, stripey arm things. Do what I can with the remmants of a good hair cut, months ago.
Not down south any more.Check the schedule, walk out the door. Jess leaves for Berlin tomorrow, Aleph will be there with her. I’d like to see them. Perhaps I’d like to see a few people – but I know the conversations by heart now, I know what will be said. I don’t seem to be able to talk that way anymore. Just a few close people, all I want to see. Say hello. hug, and catch up a bit.
Down the steps to wait. I look a the time – 10:00 – still early. I think of my book, the comfort of my bed. I think of getting out to the wharf tomorrow at a decent hour. I don’t feel like drinking. That used to be all it took to get me out. there is so much that doesn’t interest me anymore, replaced by other things. I’ve had only two beers since I’ve been back, and my birthday bottle of wine.
A few people I want to see. A bunch of alcohol I don’t want to drink. Conversations where only the names have changed from a year ago. Disinterest. Jess will be back. It’s a good book, I need to work tomorrow. Battle for the small space on the wharf.
Somehow I feel almost arrogant in not wanting to hear the same things over and over. I feel as if I am seperate. Not with them anymore. In on the outside. Stepping further and further away. Looking for, needing more. Transformation, growth.
It’s been one hell of a year.
I’ve changed. A lot.
I turn around, walk back the few blocks. Open the door, up the stairs.
I’ll see Jess & Aleph some other time before I leave.