It isn’t words. It isn’t for us to read, we feel. We feel. Written on us, in us before matter before anything mattered and this is who we become. I can’t read it, I feel. It is there and I feel, I know.
She asked me to explain what love means to me. I don’t know what love means. I know what the books say, I know the general rules. I don’t know what it means. Does Love need to mean anything? Can it be dissected, put under a microscope and ripped apart? The greatest of poets may come close, the worst, closer in their honest passion. There are no words but the ones inside of us, the ones we cannot read. All words are useless in love. We feel. We know.
It is there. I feel, I know. I know it always has been in the way I can only see her anymore and I don’t know if my sight has improved or worsened as I only see what matters, I only see what I want.
On a broken morning I let her go. I walk away, I breathe and the breath soon becomes easier than it was when i was walking there. I let her go and see me again, I let her go and feel the words written inside and know she is still there and we are both free from the cage of my imagination. I let her go and she is closer because I feel, I know.
In the ashes of the man she sees the fading ghost of me and this was not for her eyes but that seems to be what she chooses to see, what I showed her. In the ashes of me she thinks this is me this is what is, and I can’t say anything. All words are useless and the ashes distort my face. I am a ghost, a ghoul. I am the carcass of my past and she only sees the surface in the ashes of the man and the ashes of the boy that I had fallen to.
In time the ashes are blown away, leaving me able to see me fresh and raw and ancient, and I remember who I need to love. I remember who I need to love and I do. The year has made me forget this. I knew what the books say, I knew the general rules, but the words written in me were hidden in every way I could escape. In the fire of the Temple everything was let go, and more returned.
It is there, and again I feel.
Again, I know.