It’s been a while since I’ve visited, it seems.  A while since I’ve written anything that matters, assuming that anything does…

I told her not to fall, promised that I wouldn’t either as I wrapped my arms around her in the kitchen. Don’t fall for me. Don’t fall at all. Rise. We’ll lift each other. People get hurt when they fall, and I don’t want to hurt anymore, anyone or be hurt. Lets rise. Falling just seems to start everything off on the wrong foot. Fuck falling. Let’s fly. I’ll teach you how – just hold on tight, and please, please don’t let go. She promised me she won’t and i believe her, but I’ve heard those vows before and I’m just foolish enough to know how valuable giving in to possibilities can be. I believe her because I want to. I believe her. We dress our wounds up pretty and stories of our pasts have someone to listen to them, we step in with the loose and familiar caution of snake handlers. We rip off our sleeves where so much is  worn and offer them to each other, but both of us know this is just a taste.
It goes deeper than that, and i want to give that to you too – but that, you’ll have to work for. We say this to each other wordless and in unision. And we work, we work because some things are worth it and…
I think you are.

~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~

Things happening, but it feels like less than it should be. I’m an impatient fuck.
Bohemian Carnival was exquisite, last night we were a ‘presence’ at Mighty for DJ Swamp, no real performance (by me – but Tracy and a couple other people were on the stage bending, dancing, being sexy as fuck, as usual…) …but hell, i looked pretty okay, and even had a number of people comment on my dress – but that’s more because I was one of the few that dressed, along with VdV, and the contrast was pretty clear.
Blah blah blah.
I want a fucking cigarette, but I’ve been doing pretty damn good with not smoking, written solely because I AM, and will use anything to fuel that.

Another Bohemian Carnival coming up with Loop! Station and a bunch of other fucking amazing performers, I’ve got the inside know on someone – a DJ that you don’t want to miss, more info later –

and then in January, the Eduardian Ball http://www.edwardianball.com/  where I will be an 8’6″ mortician – and you aint gettin’ more than that out of me. GO.

So – things for the most part are good, i need to actively re-kindle magick – it’s been tough, no home, the ground keeps moving and I admit that I lose myself. I manifest, I will remember. I’m not writing anymore. I need to work the streets tomorrow.

It is a beautiful world.

Advertisement

I got my first actual ticket for blocking the sidewalk (???!!!!) down at Fisherman’s Wharf today.

Don’t fuck wit me – I got street cred, bitch.

Next on the plate, Statue Rap.

It may go something like this:

Standing on the sidewalk, standing on my box
Frozen to the hard-core cello suites of Bach
Yeah that’s right bitch, I’ll blow you a kiss
but I gotta get paid first, that’s just how it is
‘Cause the man he’s watchin’, makin’ sure I’m tight
if I take up too much space then I’m gonna get a cite…

Then again, it may not go anything like that at all.

TONIGHT!!!

It’s almost here! It’s almost here! Just a few more hours –

Holy SHIT this is going to be an INCREDIBLE show!

I’d could tell ya what *I* know about tonight,
(which may or may not have something to do with fire-breathing Jack-In-The-Boxes)
…but, I’m not going to. You’ll just have to come see what we have created for you *yourself*!

Vau de Vire, Circus Metropolus and bi-polar productions present:

BOHEMIAN CARNIVAL!

starring, for your most primal of pleasures:
Cirque Berzerk
Vau de Vire Society
Gooferman
Luxxury
DJ Laird
Xeno
Nick.the.Neck
Circus Metropolus
…and many lovely freaks abound!
w/ Couture showcase:
Miranda Caroligne
Bad Unkl Sista
Dumb Clothing

Saturday, November 18, 2006
DNA Lounge
375 11th St., San Francisco
9pm-4am; 21+, ONLY $15 !!!
Advance tickets available via www.dnalounge.com

And now, the details and other fun stuff.
I can’t tell ya how excited we all are about it – this show is going to be absolutely amazing, without question the best we’ve put together yet! We’ve received so much support and love from you that we were thinking of a way to give a li’l somethin’ back and as a result, this will be a very, very special show. We’ve put together the most earth-shattering event to happen in San Francisco since 1906, and we would absolutely love you and all your friends to come – not only because we’ve put it together specifically for you, but also because if you miss it, it’s really going to suck when you hear friend after friend tell you how amazing it was. This time, we’re pulling out all the stops, and doing things even more unconventionally than usual!

Your beautiferous hosts, Vau de Vire Society and Gooferman, have collaborated to bring you such a delicious blend of San Francisco and L.A. underground that it’s absolutely certain to make this a night that won’t be soon forgotten – if ever!

Mark your calendars for This Saturday, November 18th, because on that extraordinary evening, we will bring you more sexy sexiness, deliciously talented talent, and entertainingly entertaining entertainment than you could ever wish to see – and I can and WILL guarantee you, you won’t see it anywhere else – not under one roof, on one stage, and in one evening, at least, and not in such a intimate setting. Performers on the floor in front of and behind you, in the air above you, on the stage, in your drink – and maybe, juuuuust maybe, even in your pants, if you’re lucky – or, if we are. We’re certainly going to do our best to get there!

Okay, I know you’re absolutely itching to know what the details are, so here’s the lineup that we have put together for you:

(CAUTION! Your rapturous reaction to what you are about to read MAY NOT BE WORK SAFE!)

Okay – ready? Cool. Dig THIS!

Our entire Vau de Vire Society family will be on hand this month to co-host with our GOOFERMAN pals a very special show! We’re bubbling with excitement at this month’s linup:

Cirque Berzerk www.cirqueberzerk.com Direct from LA-LA land and armed with an amazing ensemble of performers, we welcome our co-conspirators of the Red Nose District, the fabulous Cirque Berzerk!

Luxxury www.myspace.com/luxxury …”record-release party!”. In June ’06 Vau de Vire combined forces with Luxxury on the making of their music video “Dirty Girls”…which we’ll be premiering at Bohemian Carnival as well as joining our friends for a very-anticipated LIVE collaboration. After taking Europe by storm last month, Luxxury returns home to release their debut LP, “Rock and Roll” (is Evil). New Noise, London exclaimed, “This mash-up of glam rock, disco and synth-pop, played at a thumping pace, comes on like a slightly nastier, sleazier Scissor Sisters fronted by Heaven 17’s Glenn Gregory, and we rather like that in a band.”

DJ Laird www.djlaird.com …another long-awaited collaboration, our pal Laird will be on hand to make the dance-floor thump while Vau de Vire adds an accompaying visual spectacle to the mix…just give us a reason, and Laird is plenty of one.

Xeno www.xenodrome.com Our monthly cohorts in crime at Bohemian Carnival, Xeno will be doing what they do the best…showing off amazing choreography and providing us the ass-shakin’ ambient beats throughout the night. May we say what a pleasure it is to have these ground-breaking performers as a monthly staple at Bohemian Carnival…yes we may!

Nick.the.Neck www.cirqueberzerk.com Cirque Berzerk brings with them their very own mix-master extrordinaire Nick.the.Neck.

Miranda Caroligne and friends www.mirandacaroligne.com Miranda is the lovely lady behind many of Vau de Vire’s more fashionable couture (yes, mike’s skirts). As a special treat, impromptu fashion shows will be popping up and out through out the evening…yum!

and your hosts:
Vau de Vire Society www.vaudeviresociety.com When VdV began our journey together 2-years ago, we never expected at this point to have such a beautifully talented bad-ass family with friends that support our endeavors like y’all have. On this Special Evening, expect the largest ensemble of Sexy-Stylie Vau de Virians ever assembled. We promise you a multitude of titillating adventures throughout the night…don’t miss this one!

GOOFERMAN www.gooferman.com Your Bohemian Carnival Co-Hosts the Gooferman dudes are planning a unique tag-team set with Nick.the.Neck while debuting the Circus Metropolus performers. Ain’t no party unless the Klowns are involved!

more info. www.bohemiancarnival.net
www.vaudeviresociety.com

We look forward to seeing you there, and thanks for all the love!

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sunday night, 11:11pm

I sit in the passenger seat of my van, which thankfully swivels entirely around so I can face the back of the van, faced my boxed life, and stretch out my legs.
I turn on the small battery powered lamp, open one of the books I’m reading – Carlos Castaneda – and then, the rain starts to fall, the sound of the drops amplified by the cold bare steel as they hit the top of the van. First, only a few scattered drops, then growing to be a steady, comforting drone – and I smile.

This is the path I have chosen, the path that called and I answered to, and this path has heart.

Sure, things aren’t exactly as I want them to be right now, and hell, they usually are – but I am in the City I adore and choose to call home, doing work that I love, and have some of the most loving and caring friends that anyone could ever hope to ask for in an entire lifetime. I’m not sick, feeble or hungry, not confused, angry or lost, intimately know the beauty & magick that is life, and it takes very, very little to make me smile these days.l

This is the path I have chosen, and while sometimes there will be a few hurdles to get over, I know I can, will – and always have.

I put the book down and turn out the light, pull the sleeping bag up to my chin and adjust my strange position in the chair, close my mind, listen to the lullabye of the rain, and smile.

I am happy.

and there are those times that happen,
where I look around at the current state of my life,
and it’s really fucking difficult to see past
how kinda fucked and frustrating things are right now,
and just get my ass in gear, and get to work, get out of this cafe by where I’m parked
and not pretend this isn’t happening
because if i don’t get workin’, then I won’t find a home, and things can’t last too long this way
and if I can’t find a a home, then i’ll have to tell her to go away
because I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror, much less have her look at me,
and it’s strange how all the things I have done and gotten through seem so easily forgotten
and i’ve rolled down similar hills before, and have just kept going down faster,
and I know all I have learned, and remember all the lessons, and fuck, some were hard
and i know all I have learned, it’s inside, just waiting for me to smile again
and I know, all I have to do is smile, find that fucking “bright outlook” again,
and I know, things will get better, and it’s a beautiful day, I have wonderful friends
and I need to get down to the wharf
get back to my van, change my clothes and slap on the makeup,
innevitably bump my head a few times on the roof of the van, which always
makes me laugh delightfully at the absurdity, then off
to make other people smile because that’s usually all it takes
and it lasts a good few hours until I again wonder how I’m going to do this,
and honestly, I’m so goddamn weary,
all I want to do is paint a room that is mine a deep maroon
hang blue christmas lights everywhere
set up my altar
burn some sage, light some incense
light the candles on my grandmothers candleabra
and put it in a place where it will stay,
lay down on my bed,
look around my room,
blow out the candles, and sleep, knowing that I just may wake up in the very same spot
a year or two from now,
and I should know just to know that it will happen, I should know to remember, I should to know to believe
and i do, but sometimes, it’s fucking hard not to kinda give up,
but writing about it, especially the part about bumping my head,
made things quite a bit better, and got the woe-is-me out,
and I’ve been in worse places before, and it’s a beautiful day, always, as long as I make it that way
and some people don’t even have a van.

A lost weekend, my weekend. I like the way it falls apart from the others, Monday Tuesday Wednesday are mine, and I suck them dry, I do the things I need to and I play, I escape. Monday was the day of productivity, a couple busses to my van, then to the DMV to get an official address thanks to a beautiful redhead who has loaned me hers for paper, bloodwork done at Ward 86, keeping track, staying alive, staying well and healthy waiting to get a home and then focus on curing myself, entirely, of everything that swimms around in my blood. I’ve learned the lessons, I don’t need it anymore the old purpose is served, now a new one. I will document each step and teach others when I succeed. Drop off the van in a place it is safe then to the bank to open an account, yes, I exist.
Yes, I exist. Here’s my bank card, here’s my viral load, my CD4 count, my fictitious address, Look at me, top hat and skirt, green eyes and fucking intense energy if I let you see that far. I exist, I will find a home and my blood will be as clean as yours. Look at me, I am not simple to know but easy to look at and I hope that I make you smile as you walk past, the same way I smile as I see you, the same way I laugh in delight and decide to skip instead of walk, because of you, because you know how beautiful you are or at least have an idea. Because you smiled as we passed each other so anonimously, but you saw, you felt, you were there for a second or two, or three. I don’t know you, probably never will – but you gave me something in passing that cannot be measured, you smiled.

You smiled.

You smiled, and that’sgood enough for me. I don’t require much, I only want to please.
Wait – where is this going? Fucking tangents…

Words. More words. Try to scrape the heart clean, words aren’t from the brain. Not these. So much I will never say, so much I want to. It builds up and is spit out there are no secrets anymore and if you choose to read this I take no responsibility for what I write I only write and it is all that I can do at times, I write with no regard for you, as much as I love you. As much as I love you. Fuck you. I love you. Deal with it. Where was I?

Sent a rediculous email to a possible home a few minutes ago, in response to a rediculous posting. Can’t do anything but rediculous. That’s just – me. We’ll see. I want a home. This fucking sucks – I loathe the couch-surfing thang, but I gotta confess – I’ve been blessed with beautiful views for a couple days at a time, and wonderful people.

Pffft.

My lost weekend, it’s been since Austin since I’ve escaped so effectively, in the days following Bean’s passing. I’ve been very good – but now, I’m kinda digging the fog of subtle inebriation, and the flavor of the bourbon is delightful. Goes with the cigarettes. I know it ain’t a good thing, but honestly, I think it is something we all need every now and then. In the deterioration we wake the fuck up. It’s a poor-boys shamanism. they don’t sell peyote at the corner store.

More words, wondering what they will say.
I find it strange and uncomforting that I so seldom write with a pen and paper anymore. There once was a time where that’s all I had, all I needed. At every stoplight writing, sometimes even while driving. I knew the way – but so much lost. Emptying my pockets of scraps of paper and bar napkins at the end of the night, a pathetic pile on my dresser or by my bed. Lost words, but thoughts were out. Tha is all I needed.

Lost, like the dreams I had then forgotten. Words thrown away, thousands.Joy, sorrow, and everything in between. So much learned, so many lessons taken in to enable me to become me. Nothing for granted, nothing I didn’t need to know or get the fuck out of me. The pen was my sword and I sliced myself down to the bones, a meticulous carving based only in the need to escape. Escape from me? Perhaps, though I’ve never wanted to, never been able to except in writing. Once it is down it makes sense, when it is down on paper or this screen I am able to escape the thoughts that…
Right now I am mesmerized by the muscles and tendons in my left wrist. I can’t describe them and the way they act in any way but – beautiful. Look at your body, the subtle ways it does everything you want it to. What I know most about her is already dead. Skin cells that we scrape of of each other in our passion. I search for what is alive and reach inside, she is wet and welcoming, she unfolds and is hungry for touch, my touch. She says that I touch her well, seem to know her, what she wants. This isn’t about her so I stop writing, for now.

I give this day…

to bourbon, cigarettes, and words. I’ve taken care of what is needed, and therefore call today one that I haven’t lived in a long time – a day spent in a beautiful fog, a day spent. Spent. No meditation in the classical sense, more like a channeling of  how Bukowski might have felt. This is my day, and if you choose to judge me as I sip my bourbon in the noonday sun, then perhaps you should step back and think of nothing but the way that we all need our escapes.
This is mine, well deserved.

I listen to Tori and selected music from Cirque du Soleil. I haven’t listened to Tori Amos in ages and I wipe a tear away, but not because of her. Not anymore. They sometimes just fall and I want to take every fucking one of you to see Cirque, to see it through my eyes if yours are too clouded to see and I will tear mine out for you, for all of you so you can see that it doesn’t stop there, that outside the glorious tents of the circus lies the best of everything, life. There is magick waiting for us, there is everything we desire on a platter, don’t be shy – it doesn’ t suit you. Grab a handfull of lofe and know that it is yours, and always has been, just waiting for you. to find it. To KNOW. To believe.

I think of PoisonOrchid right now and I gotta tell you, you piss me off, you and many others, countless others.REACH, grab life. fuck your misery, right now escape from that and just know that your life is yours quit dwelling in your misery smile tell the world that you have created to fuck off and make a new one. SMILE. Believe it and start with that. SMILE. You, Amanda, walk up and down Decatur smiling and believing it and see how the world becomes better. Don’t you know that you and only you create your life? What you think is, What you think is, what you think you create, manifest. You hurt, we alll do, but that isn’t who you need to be or who you want  to be, is it? This goes to everyone, and me.

h I always learn.

I bought the book again, I had to. I bought the book that makes me stop reading others or read it again, though this one doesn’t have the beautiful inscription that Cole wrote inside the front cover. That one is packed away and takes two busses and some digging to get to, just like everything else in my life these days. Packed away, waiting…

I think, at times, that this book was the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me. When I read it I take on her style, when I read it nothing else matters. When I read it, there is hope and when I read it, I write.

Thank you, Cole, for sharing this with me.I doubt that you ever expected it to mean so much, but I am certain that you wanted it to, and it does.

I don’t know if I ever told you that.

I don’t know where to begin this. It’s been too long.
I sit on the deck of another place that is not my home and look out over Noe Valley. The red lights of Twin Peaks flicker behind the leaves, I think of Love Manor, I think of different times and a different person that I once was.
My, how you’ve grown.
I went to my van today, opened the door to look at my life, all neatly boxed and bagged and waiting for somewhere. Even my dog in her own box on the dashboard.
I find it ironic that now that I’ve decided on a place to call home, I finally feel homeless. It’s been two years without one, and I grow weary. A few days here, a few there, a few months – time doesn’t matter, none of it was ever anything that could be called a part of me…
What I need right now fitting so neatly into a couple bags, what I need in a couple days for work waiting for me at her house, and I grow weary. The bags are not the only weight I carry.
Still looking, still hoping. The previous place mentioned fell through, they decided not to make a decision until January and I can’t wait that long I can’t live like this anymore. This is how I left this city, it should not be how I return. I want a place where I can set up my sewing machine and know it can stay there, a place where I can fix the stilts that I’ve beaten to near death without having to take two busses to get to them, a place where I can finally unbox the altar that has been packed away since ’94.
A place where I can invite you over to enjoy athe meal I’ve cooked, and we’ll share a bottle of wine and talk of our adventures, of our dreams, and what we’re doing to make them happen. A place that I can offer you to spend the night in comfortably if you’ve had too much to drink. A home.
I am weary.

I don’t know where to begin this. It’s been too long.

Blazing red hair milkwhite skin hazel eyes that see into me, she said I was perfect but hopefully I set her straight. I showed her my teeth, and a few of the scars inside. She knew of other things shortly after our first kiss.She called me an apparition before we met, called me a king after, calls me a lover now and said that my hats were nice but my mind is handsome. We tread lightly but we don’t hold back. She says that I must be a Leo, no Virgo acts like this, could do that. I am neither one or the other, I am nothing and everything I am a child with the wisdom to always search for a better me and I am constantly finding it. She says she is amazed at my positive attitude but she doesn’t know much of my past. She asked if I have always had it, and after thinking carefully, I said “yes.”, always reminded of a 

Type your cut contents here.

3/24/99

 

because there isn’t anything

that makes sense anymore

 

because there isn’t anything

that i have to make me smile right now

and the pain of my impatience

has control over me

and i feel

futile like nothing will ever

                       be complete

and i hate it all right now

and i hate you all

right now

and fuck this place

and fuck this job

and fuck this morning

and fuck you people

and fuck this page

fuck the moon

fuck the sun

fuck the stars

 fuck this life of nothing from nothing and

i would love to open myself up

and feel this poisoned blood

leave me

watch as it stains the sheets

a final crimson

watch this morning

and everything else

 

disappear

 

as my eyes slowly close

 

but wouldn’t that be

just so fucking

redundant

 

and what if tomorrow is just

 

a little bit

 

better

 

 

 

3.24.99

i look out the door to the gray sky

same as it is inside

when there is nothing left

and nothing matters today.

 

i look to the gray sky

the color has faded from this boy

dead eyes and an empty heart

and nothing  matters today

 

i dream of the peace in draining

on top of my bed, eyes slowly close

and i feel as there is nothing left to give

i’ve never been able to see it so clearly.

 

a dream of over and done with

i just don’t care anymore

and it doesn’t matter who she is

i never knew her anyway.

 

erase forever and always

never have they made much sense to me

when the beginning of the story is nothing but a myth

the author gets to choose his own end .

 

3.25.99

hoping the people

are alive enough tonight

to save me from myself

and these thoughts that scream,

making me afraid to think at all.

 

innocence lost when

ignorance was pushed away

and i opened unknown doors

 and hated who i saw

 

how can this

pitiful romantic

this lost little boy

so infatuated

with the tragedy of the heart

find it so hard

to believe in love?

 

i want to go back

to the magic and beauty

seen through the eyes of

the child full of wonder that

i once was

 

lost so beautifully in the dreams

of what i once believed

could be…

 

3.27.99

i watch it start to happen

in a way i don’t want it to

i have no need for that right now.

but i don’t have the energy.

the fuck is all i give

and nothing is true 

so i float

watching it all happen

and not even caring enough

to change the things i don’t want

because nothing really matters

and in this absence of life

 

i so often wish for death

 

and nothing means anything

in a story without a beginning

and as the fire slowly dies away

i hold nothing against anyone

i can only blame myself

when i feel like i’ve cheated

the man staring back at me

from the glass.

 

3.28.99

sent another letter today

to another someone else

to another vague maybe

another empty hope

to give me a beginning

to make this life valid.

 

sent another letter today

this one was so much harder

as the words didn’t come

it feels like wasted time

and in the hopelessness

i felt my heart being torn

until the letter was folded, sealed, and stamped

and i didn’t feel anything again

 

an emptiness so perfectly complete

nothing matters

it’s all fucked anyway

it’s all fake anyway

and everyone i am

and everyone i’ve been

were all fake anyway

 

3.29.99

i search inside

for the passion

the rage

the anger

that i have found

and hold so dear

but these past days

the deeper i go

the less i find and

the less i find a reason

to be.

these thoughts lately

i see so clearly in my mind

all actions to the end

and for the first time

i feel only the peace it would bring

and these past days

i feel as if the game is so much over

has been, for a while

and maybe the only thing

that keeps these thoughts from action

the only thing is that

i know if i act

i have lost

and I am not willing to lose.

 

but i can see it all so clearly

the slow drain as the white of my bed

turns to a beautiful crimson

the cold

the peace

 

these thoughts

terrifying me

because for now,

and forever

 

it’s the only thing

 

that may feel

 

real

 and remembering the last line of the first, searching for a better tomorrow when todays might want to harm. I’m fortunate. i haven’t had a today like that in years, but it was then that I understood how profound emptiness could be and I understood and I understood and I wish that I could let some people know that tomorrow can be better…

 

 I don’t know where to begin this. It’s too late to decide, so I blather. Blatherblatherblather. Just more fucking words.

The weekend was beautiful. Work was good, Saturday night was one of the best I’ve lived in a while, all because of her.. A coctail party with her friends, an intense and beautiful one person play called “Dream House”, then to an art opening of Ronnie Woods mediocre paintings and beautiful people, (I walked in, top hat and skirt, and a woman had the audacity to ask ” WHO DRESSED YOU?? You look wonderful!!!) I did, you lovely bitch, and by the way, I made the hat.)) then a late sushi dinner. I felt like such a fucking jet-setter – then, a delightful entertwined sleep…
Tonight, a wonderful dinner at Luna Park with Chuck to talk about the shoot he wants to do with me, and our ideas meshed beautifully. Raw, telling, desolate – stark. I want to be seen in front of his camera so incredibly fucking naked, the performer in between the performances, the truth of what is hidden behind the makeup and performance. Life in between.
Me.
I have a favorite photograph, the icon on this page. I am a million things, and I am just figuring them out – I never want to stop…
It was so cute, Pixie – he’s an amazing and accomplished photographer, but he mentioned how recently he stepped up on a ladder to do some commercial work and felt that he was taking from your ideas, and kinda felt bad about it. A lot.

A brief mention to Pixie – many moons ago you said something to me in your car. i ignored it then, but I shouldn’t have. I couldn’t help but push it away, but you were right. Eventually I learn, and thank you… I never have forgotten the simple thing you said – but you were right

Fuck beginning this, it’s time to end.