It’s been a while since I’ve visited, it seems.  A while since I’ve written anything that matters, assuming that anything does…

I told her not to fall, promised that I wouldn’t either as I wrapped my arms around her in the kitchen. Don’t fall for me. Don’t fall at all. Rise. We’ll lift each other. People get hurt when they fall, and I don’t want to hurt anymore, anyone or be hurt. Lets rise. Falling just seems to start everything off on the wrong foot. Fuck falling. Let’s fly. I’ll teach you how – just hold on tight, and please, please don’t let go. She promised me she won’t and i believe her, but I’ve heard those vows before and I’m just foolish enough to know how valuable giving in to possibilities can be. I believe her because I want to. I believe her. We dress our wounds up pretty and stories of our pasts have someone to listen to them, we step in with the loose and familiar caution of snake handlers. We rip off our sleeves where so much is  worn and offer them to each other, but both of us know this is just a taste.
It goes deeper than that, and i want to give that to you too – but that, you’ll have to work for. We say this to each other wordless and in unision. And we work, we work because some things are worth it and…
I think you are.

~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~   ~~~

Things happening, but it feels like less than it should be. I’m an impatient fuck.
Bohemian Carnival was exquisite, last night we were a ‘presence’ at Mighty for DJ Swamp, no real performance (by me – but Tracy and a couple other people were on the stage bending, dancing, being sexy as fuck, as usual…) …but hell, i looked pretty okay, and even had a number of people comment on my dress – but that’s more because I was one of the few that dressed, along with VdV, and the contrast was pretty clear.
Blah blah blah.
I want a fucking cigarette, but I’ve been doing pretty damn good with not smoking, written solely because I AM, and will use anything to fuel that.

Another Bohemian Carnival coming up with Loop! Station and a bunch of other fucking amazing performers, I’ve got the inside know on someone – a DJ that you don’t want to miss, more info later –

and then in January, the Eduardian Ball http://www.edwardianball.com/  where I will be an 8’6″ mortician – and you aint gettin’ more than that out of me. GO.

So – things for the most part are good, i need to actively re-kindle magick – it’s been tough, no home, the ground keeps moving and I admit that I lose myself. I manifest, I will remember. I’m not writing anymore. I need to work the streets tomorrow.

It is a beautiful world.

I got my first actual ticket for blocking the sidewalk (???!!!!) down at Fisherman’s Wharf today.

Don’t fuck wit me – I got street cred, bitch.

Next on the plate, Statue Rap.

It may go something like this:

Standing on the sidewalk, standing on my box
Frozen to the hard-core cello suites of Bach
Yeah that’s right bitch, I’ll blow you a kiss
but I gotta get paid first, that’s just how it is
‘Cause the man he’s watchin’, makin’ sure I’m tight
if I take up too much space then I’m gonna get a cite…

Then again, it may not go anything like that at all.

TONIGHT!!!

It’s almost here! It’s almost here! Just a few more hours –

Holy SHIT this is going to be an INCREDIBLE show!

I’d could tell ya what *I* know about tonight,
(which may or may not have something to do with fire-breathing Jack-In-The-Boxes)
…but, I’m not going to. You’ll just have to come see what we have created for you *yourself*!

Vau de Vire, Circus Metropolus and bi-polar productions present:

BOHEMIAN CARNIVAL!

starring, for your most primal of pleasures:
Cirque Berzerk
Vau de Vire Society
Gooferman
Luxxury
DJ Laird
Xeno
Nick.the.Neck
Circus Metropolus
…and many lovely freaks abound!
w/ Couture showcase:
Miranda Caroligne
Bad Unkl Sista
Dumb Clothing

Saturday, November 18, 2006
DNA Lounge
375 11th St., San Francisco
9pm-4am; 21+, ONLY $15 !!!
Advance tickets available via www.dnalounge.com

And now, the details and other fun stuff.
I can’t tell ya how excited we all are about it – this show is going to be absolutely amazing, without question the best we’ve put together yet! We’ve received so much support and love from you that we were thinking of a way to give a li’l somethin’ back and as a result, this will be a very, very special show. We’ve put together the most earth-shattering event to happen in San Francisco since 1906, and we would absolutely love you and all your friends to come – not only because we’ve put it together specifically for you, but also because if you miss it, it’s really going to suck when you hear friend after friend tell you how amazing it was. This time, we’re pulling out all the stops, and doing things even more unconventionally than usual!

Your beautiferous hosts, Vau de Vire Society and Gooferman, have collaborated to bring you such a delicious blend of San Francisco and L.A. underground that it’s absolutely certain to make this a night that won’t be soon forgotten – if ever!

Mark your calendars for This Saturday, November 18th, because on that extraordinary evening, we will bring you more sexy sexiness, deliciously talented talent, and entertainingly entertaining entertainment than you could ever wish to see – and I can and WILL guarantee you, you won’t see it anywhere else – not under one roof, on one stage, and in one evening, at least, and not in such a intimate setting. Performers on the floor in front of and behind you, in the air above you, on the stage, in your drink – and maybe, juuuuust maybe, even in your pants, if you’re lucky – or, if we are. We’re certainly going to do our best to get there!

Okay, I know you’re absolutely itching to know what the details are, so here’s the lineup that we have put together for you:

(CAUTION! Your rapturous reaction to what you are about to read MAY NOT BE WORK SAFE!)

Okay – ready? Cool. Dig THIS!

Our entire Vau de Vire Society family will be on hand this month to co-host with our GOOFERMAN pals a very special show! We’re bubbling with excitement at this month’s linup:

Cirque Berzerk www.cirqueberzerk.com Direct from LA-LA land and armed with an amazing ensemble of performers, we welcome our co-conspirators of the Red Nose District, the fabulous Cirque Berzerk!

Luxxury www.myspace.com/luxxury …”record-release party!”. In June ’06 Vau de Vire combined forces with Luxxury on the making of their music video “Dirty Girls”…which we’ll be premiering at Bohemian Carnival as well as joining our friends for a very-anticipated LIVE collaboration. After taking Europe by storm last month, Luxxury returns home to release their debut LP, “Rock and Roll” (is Evil). New Noise, London exclaimed, “This mash-up of glam rock, disco and synth-pop, played at a thumping pace, comes on like a slightly nastier, sleazier Scissor Sisters fronted by Heaven 17’s Glenn Gregory, and we rather like that in a band.”

DJ Laird www.djlaird.com …another long-awaited collaboration, our pal Laird will be on hand to make the dance-floor thump while Vau de Vire adds an accompaying visual spectacle to the mix…just give us a reason, and Laird is plenty of one.

Xeno www.xenodrome.com Our monthly cohorts in crime at Bohemian Carnival, Xeno will be doing what they do the best…showing off amazing choreography and providing us the ass-shakin’ ambient beats throughout the night. May we say what a pleasure it is to have these ground-breaking performers as a monthly staple at Bohemian Carnival…yes we may!

Nick.the.Neck www.cirqueberzerk.com Cirque Berzerk brings with them their very own mix-master extrordinaire Nick.the.Neck.

Miranda Caroligne and friends www.mirandacaroligne.com Miranda is the lovely lady behind many of Vau de Vire’s more fashionable couture (yes, mike’s skirts). As a special treat, impromptu fashion shows will be popping up and out through out the evening…yum!

and your hosts:
Vau de Vire Society www.vaudeviresociety.com When VdV began our journey together 2-years ago, we never expected at this point to have such a beautifully talented bad-ass family with friends that support our endeavors like y’all have. On this Special Evening, expect the largest ensemble of Sexy-Stylie Vau de Virians ever assembled. We promise you a multitude of titillating adventures throughout the night…don’t miss this one!

GOOFERMAN www.gooferman.com Your Bohemian Carnival Co-Hosts the Gooferman dudes are planning a unique tag-team set with Nick.the.Neck while debuting the Circus Metropolus performers. Ain’t no party unless the Klowns are involved!

more info. www.bohemiancarnival.net
www.vaudeviresociety.com

We look forward to seeing you there, and thanks for all the love!

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sunday night, 11:11pm

I sit in the passenger seat of my van, which thankfully swivels entirely around so I can face the back of the van, faced my boxed life, and stretch out my legs.
I turn on the small battery powered lamp, open one of the books I’m reading – Carlos Castaneda – and then, the rain starts to fall, the sound of the drops amplified by the cold bare steel as they hit the top of the van. First, only a few scattered drops, then growing to be a steady, comforting drone – and I smile.

This is the path I have chosen, the path that called and I answered to, and this path has heart.

Sure, things aren’t exactly as I want them to be right now, and hell, they usually are – but I am in the City I adore and choose to call home, doing work that I love, and have some of the most loving and caring friends that anyone could ever hope to ask for in an entire lifetime. I’m not sick, feeble or hungry, not confused, angry or lost, intimately know the beauty & magick that is life, and it takes very, very little to make me smile these days.l

This is the path I have chosen, and while sometimes there will be a few hurdles to get over, I know I can, will – and always have.

I put the book down and turn out the light, pull the sleeping bag up to my chin and adjust my strange position in the chair, close my mind, listen to the lullabye of the rain, and smile.

I am happy.

and there are those times that happen,
where I look around at the current state of my life,
and it’s really fucking difficult to see past
how kinda fucked and frustrating things are right now,
and just get my ass in gear, and get to work, get out of this cafe by where I’m parked
and not pretend this isn’t happening
because if i don’t get workin’, then I won’t find a home, and things can’t last too long this way
and if I can’t find a a home, then i’ll have to tell her to go away
because I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror, much less have her look at me,
and it’s strange how all the things I have done and gotten through seem so easily forgotten
and i’ve rolled down similar hills before, and have just kept going down faster,
and I know all I have learned, and remember all the lessons, and fuck, some were hard
and i know all I have learned, it’s inside, just waiting for me to smile again
and I know, all I have to do is smile, find that fucking “bright outlook” again,
and I know, things will get better, and it’s a beautiful day, I have wonderful friends
and I need to get down to the wharf
get back to my van, change my clothes and slap on the makeup,
innevitably bump my head a few times on the roof of the van, which always
makes me laugh delightfully at the absurdity, then off
to make other people smile because that’s usually all it takes
and it lasts a good few hours until I again wonder how I’m going to do this,
and honestly, I’m so goddamn weary,
all I want to do is paint a room that is mine a deep maroon
hang blue christmas lights everywhere
set up my altar
burn some sage, light some incense
light the candles on my grandmothers candleabra
and put it in a place where it will stay,
lay down on my bed,
look around my room,
blow out the candles, and sleep, knowing that I just may wake up in the very same spot
a year or two from now,
and I should know just to know that it will happen, I should know to remember, I should to know to believe
and i do, but sometimes, it’s fucking hard not to kinda give up,
but writing about it, especially the part about bumping my head,
made things quite a bit better, and got the woe-is-me out,
and I’ve been in worse places before, and it’s a beautiful day, always, as long as I make it that way
and some people don’t even have a van.

A lost weekend, my weekend. I like the way it falls apart from the others, Monday Tuesday Wednesday are mine, and I suck them dry, I do the things I need to and I play, I escape. Monday was the day of productivity, a couple busses to my van, then to the DMV to get an official address thanks to a beautiful redhead who has loaned me hers for paper, bloodwork done at Ward 86, keeping track, staying alive, staying well and healthy waiting to get a home and then focus on curing myself, entirely, of everything that swimms around in my blood. I’ve learned the lessons, I don’t need it anymore the old purpose is served, now a new one. I will document each step and teach others when I succeed. Drop off the van in a place it is safe then to the bank to open an account, yes, I exist.
Yes, I exist. Here’s my bank card, here’s my viral load, my CD4 count, my fictitious address, Look at me, top hat and skirt, green eyes and fucking intense energy if I let you see that far. I exist, I will find a home and my blood will be as clean as yours. Look at me, I am not simple to know but easy to look at and I hope that I make you smile as you walk past, the same way I smile as I see you, the same way I laugh in delight and decide to skip instead of walk, because of you, because you know how beautiful you are or at least have an idea. Because you smiled as we passed each other so anonimously, but you saw, you felt, you were there for a second or two, or three. I don’t know you, probably never will – but you gave me something in passing that cannot be measured, you smiled.

You smiled.

You smiled, and that’sgood enough for me. I don’t require much, I only want to please.
Wait – where is this going? Fucking tangents…

Words. More words. Try to scrape the heart clean, words aren’t from the brain. Not these. So much I will never say, so much I want to. It builds up and is spit out there are no secrets anymore and if you choose to read this I take no responsibility for what I write I only write and it is all that I can do at times, I write with no regard for you, as much as I love you. As much as I love you. Fuck you. I love you. Deal with it. Where was I?

Sent a rediculous email to a possible home a few minutes ago, in response to a rediculous posting. Can’t do anything but rediculous. That’s just – me. We’ll see. I want a home. This fucking sucks – I loathe the couch-surfing thang, but I gotta confess – I’ve been blessed with beautiful views for a couple days at a time, and wonderful people.

Pffft.

My lost weekend, it’s been since Austin since I’ve escaped so effectively, in the days following Bean’s passing. I’ve been very good – but now, I’m kinda digging the fog of subtle inebriation, and the flavor of the bourbon is delightful. Goes with the cigarettes. I know it ain’t a good thing, but honestly, I think it is something we all need every now and then. In the deterioration we wake the fuck up. It’s a poor-boys shamanism. they don’t sell peyote at the corner store.