I don’t know where to begin this. It’s been too long.
I sit on the deck of another place that is not my home and look out over Noe Valley. The red lights of Twin Peaks flicker behind the leaves, I think of Love Manor, I think of different times and a different person that I once was.
My, how you’ve grown.
I went to my van today, opened the door to look at my life, all neatly boxed and bagged and waiting for somewhere. Even my dog in her own box on the dashboard.
I find it ironic that now that I’ve decided on a place to call home, I finally feel homeless. It’s been two years without one, and I grow weary. A few days here, a few there, a few months – time doesn’t matter, none of it was ever anything that could be called a part of me…
What I need right now fitting so neatly into a couple bags, what I need in a couple days for work waiting for me at her house, and I grow weary. The bags are not the only weight I carry.
Still looking, still hoping. The previous place mentioned fell through, they decided not to make a decision until January and I can’t wait that long I can’t live like this anymore. This is how I left this city, it should not be how I return. I want a place where I can set up my sewing machine and know it can stay there, a place where I can fix the stilts that I’ve beaten to near death without having to take two busses to get to them, a place where I can finally unbox the altar that has been packed away since ’94.
A place where I can invite you over to enjoy athe meal I’ve cooked, and we’ll share a bottle of wine and talk of our adventures, of our dreams, and what we’re doing to make them happen. A place that I can offer you to spend the night in comfortably if you’ve had too much to drink. A home.
I am weary.

I don’t know where to begin this. It’s been too long.

Blazing red hair milkwhite skin hazel eyes that see into me, she said I was perfect but hopefully I set her straight. I showed her my teeth, and a few of the scars inside. She knew of other things shortly after our first kiss.She called me an apparition before we met, called me a king after, calls me a lover now and said that my hats were nice but my mind is handsome. We tread lightly but we don’t hold back. She says that I must be a Leo, no Virgo acts like this, could do that. I am neither one or the other, I am nothing and everything I am a child with the wisdom to always search for a better me and I am constantly finding it. She says she is amazed at my positive attitude but she doesn’t know much of my past. She asked if I have always had it, and after thinking carefully, I said “yes.”, always reminded of a 

Type your cut contents here.

3/24/99

 

because there isn’t anything

that makes sense anymore

 

because there isn’t anything

that i have to make me smile right now

and the pain of my impatience

has control over me

and i feel

futile like nothing will ever

                       be complete

and i hate it all right now

and i hate you all

right now

and fuck this place

and fuck this job

and fuck this morning

and fuck you people

and fuck this page

fuck the moon

fuck the sun

fuck the stars

 fuck this life of nothing from nothing and

i would love to open myself up

and feel this poisoned blood

leave me

watch as it stains the sheets

a final crimson

watch this morning

and everything else

 

disappear

 

as my eyes slowly close

 

but wouldn’t that be

just so fucking

redundant

 

and what if tomorrow is just

 

a little bit

 

better

 

 

 

3.24.99

i look out the door to the gray sky

same as it is inside

when there is nothing left

and nothing matters today.

 

i look to the gray sky

the color has faded from this boy

dead eyes and an empty heart

and nothing  matters today

 

i dream of the peace in draining

on top of my bed, eyes slowly close

and i feel as there is nothing left to give

i’ve never been able to see it so clearly.

 

a dream of over and done with

i just don’t care anymore

and it doesn’t matter who she is

i never knew her anyway.

 

erase forever and always

never have they made much sense to me

when the beginning of the story is nothing but a myth

the author gets to choose his own end .

 

3.25.99

hoping the people

are alive enough tonight

to save me from myself

and these thoughts that scream,

making me afraid to think at all.

 

innocence lost when

ignorance was pushed away

and i opened unknown doors

 and hated who i saw

 

how can this

pitiful romantic

this lost little boy

so infatuated

with the tragedy of the heart

find it so hard

to believe in love?

 

i want to go back

to the magic and beauty

seen through the eyes of

the child full of wonder that

i once was

 

lost so beautifully in the dreams

of what i once believed

could be…

 

3.27.99

i watch it start to happen

in a way i don’t want it to

i have no need for that right now.

but i don’t have the energy.

the fuck is all i give

and nothing is true 

so i float

watching it all happen

and not even caring enough

to change the things i don’t want

because nothing really matters

and in this absence of life

 

i so often wish for death

 

and nothing means anything

in a story without a beginning

and as the fire slowly dies away

i hold nothing against anyone

i can only blame myself

when i feel like i’ve cheated

the man staring back at me

from the glass.

 

3.28.99

sent another letter today

to another someone else

to another vague maybe

another empty hope

to give me a beginning

to make this life valid.

 

sent another letter today

this one was so much harder

as the words didn’t come

it feels like wasted time

and in the hopelessness

i felt my heart being torn

until the letter was folded, sealed, and stamped

and i didn’t feel anything again

 

an emptiness so perfectly complete

nothing matters

it’s all fucked anyway

it’s all fake anyway

and everyone i am

and everyone i’ve been

were all fake anyway

 

3.29.99

i search inside

for the passion

the rage

the anger

that i have found

and hold so dear

but these past days

the deeper i go

the less i find and

the less i find a reason

to be.

these thoughts lately

i see so clearly in my mind

all actions to the end

and for the first time

i feel only the peace it would bring

and these past days

i feel as if the game is so much over

has been, for a while

and maybe the only thing

that keeps these thoughts from action

the only thing is that

i know if i act

i have lost

and I am not willing to lose.

 

but i can see it all so clearly

the slow drain as the white of my bed

turns to a beautiful crimson

the cold

the peace

 

these thoughts

terrifying me

because for now,

and forever

 

it’s the only thing

 

that may feel

 

real

 and remembering the last line of the first, searching for a better tomorrow when todays might want to harm. I’m fortunate. i haven’t had a today like that in years, but it was then that I understood how profound emptiness could be and I understood and I understood and I wish that I could let some people know that tomorrow can be better…

 

 I don’t know where to begin this. It’s too late to decide, so I blather. Blatherblatherblather. Just more fucking words.

The weekend was beautiful. Work was good, Saturday night was one of the best I’ve lived in a while, all because of her.. A coctail party with her friends, an intense and beautiful one person play called “Dream House”, then to an art opening of Ronnie Woods mediocre paintings and beautiful people, (I walked in, top hat and skirt, and a woman had the audacity to ask ” WHO DRESSED YOU?? You look wonderful!!!) I did, you lovely bitch, and by the way, I made the hat.)) then a late sushi dinner. I felt like such a fucking jet-setter – then, a delightful entertwined sleep…
Tonight, a wonderful dinner at Luna Park with Chuck to talk about the shoot he wants to do with me, and our ideas meshed beautifully. Raw, telling, desolate – stark. I want to be seen in front of his camera so incredibly fucking naked, the performer in between the performances, the truth of what is hidden behind the makeup and performance. Life in between.
Me.
I have a favorite photograph, the icon on this page. I am a million things, and I am just figuring them out – I never want to stop…
It was so cute, Pixie – he’s an amazing and accomplished photographer, but he mentioned how recently he stepped up on a ladder to do some commercial work and felt that he was taking from your ideas, and kinda felt bad about it. A lot.

A brief mention to Pixie – many moons ago you said something to me in your car. i ignored it then, but I shouldn’t have. I couldn’t help but push it away, but you were right. Eventually I learn, and thank you… I never have forgotten the simple thing you said – but you were right

Fuck beginning this, it’s time to end.