it's a need.

a thirst. inevitable. a moment of solitude brings words. in a mind cluttered, a being ungrounded, my life scattered but my heart intact. I’ve lost myself, briefly, I’ve lost myself and i’ve been looking for months but in the search I always find more. i find more but still don’t know, can’t rest, have no bed, no sanctuary. Sanctuary of solitude, a place alone. me and nothing. no one. my life scattered, but still, that is small, I manage, I always will – but I don’t like the thoughts I’ve been having recently, I know better than these, I know better. Just passing thoughts, but ones I haven’t had in a while, not since Austin, and I’m far less lost, and I have her smile around my neck, and man, would she be pissed. I have a lot to do here.

Sometimes, though. Sometimes, I’m scared. Terrified but I hide it well. I hide me well. I think we all do. I give you layers, I give you intimacy, honesty, me and my dreams. Dreams and fears, less fears. I’m learning, fewer fears and this is a new age. New me. New you? Just fucking new. We evolve and you better fucking catch up. I better stick around, because I hate her and her and her and her for leaving and I promised I would stay, for me, for you. We all have a lot to learn, and I think I can teach you something.

Something amazing, something so simple.

I think I can remind you how to dream – and to believe that your dreams can come true – WILL come true – if you allow them to. I teach myself this daily – or – I try to remember. I know, you know – deeep down inside, you fucking know – REMEMBER, beyotch. Dig it. REACH. Really, it’s simple.

Love.

Everything.

Start now, if you haven’t already – we’re waiting for you, and yeah – you got it, you can.

In other news:::

I bought meself a resonator guitar, and I’m learning it. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I don’t know shit about playing a guitar, but I will.
I have a beautiful woman who likes being by my side, who makes me incredibly happy every time I look into her eyes, and many more times
I’m digging my work with my circus folk and great things are coming
I will be drinking a lot less at the end of the year
I have amazing friends, and I love them all
I don’t see them often enough, but I’m working on that
She’s a redhead, that woman I mentioned before, and I jst say that for something to say – and her eyes are fire, glowing
I’m mostly happy, and it’s time to shut the fuck up and sleep.

I won’t leave you. I promise. I would rather be a thorn in your side than a memory of something that could have been, I would rather spend days fixing your wings than minutes cutting them off. FLY. It’s easy. If you doubt that, watch me, leap, and catch up. We’ll fly together.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you. fucker. Don’t ever doubt that.

EVER.

You dig?

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it's a need.

a thirst. inevitable. a moment of solitude brings words. in a mind cluttered, a being ungrounded, my life scattered but my heart intact. I’ve lost myself, briefly, I’ve lost myself and i’ve been looking for months but in the search I always find more. i find more but still don’t know, can’t rest, have no bed, no sanctuary. Sanctuary of solitude, a place alone. me and nothing. no one. my life scattered, but still, that is small, I manage, I always will – but I don’t like the thoughts I’ve been having recently, I know better than these, I know better. Just passing thoughts, but ones I haven’t had in a while, not since Austin, and I’m far less lost, and I have her smile around my neck, and man, would she be pissed. I have a lot to do here.

Sometimes, though. Sometimes, I’m scared. Terrified but I hide it well. I hide me well. I think we all do. I give you layers, I give you intimacy, honesty, me and my dreams. Dreams and fears, less fears. I’m learning, fewer fears and this is a new age. New me. New you? Just fucking new. We evolve and you better fucking catch up. I better stick around, because I hate her and her and her and her for leaving and I promised I would stay, for me, for you. We all have a lot to learn, and I think I can teach you something.

Something amazing, something so simple.

I think I can remind you how to dream – and to believe that your dreams can come true – WILL come true – if you allow them to. I teach myself this daily – or – I try to remember. I know, you know – deeep down inside, you fucking know – REMEMBER, beyotch. Dig it. REACH. Really, it’s simple.

Love.

Everything.

Start now, if you haven’t already – we’re waiting for you, and yeah – you got it, you can.

In other news:::

I bought meself a resonator guitar, and I’m learning it. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I don’t know shit about playing a guitar, but I will.
I have a beautiful woman who likes being by my side, who makes me incredibly happy every time I look into her eyes, and many more times
I’m digging my work with my circus folk and great things are coming
I will be drinking a lot less at the end of the year
I have amazing friends, and I love them all
I don’t see them often enough, but I’m working on that
She’s a redhead, that woman I mentioned before, and I jst say that for something to say – and her eyes are fire, glowing
I’m mostly happy, and it’s time to shut the fuck up and sleep.

I won’t leave you. I promise. I would rather be a thorn in your side than a memory of something that could have been, I would rather spend days fixing your wings than minutes cutting them off. FLY. It’s easy. If you doubt that, watch me, leap, and catch up. We’ll fly together.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you. fucker. Don’t ever doubt that.

EVER.

You dig?

Sick of me yet?

Here I am once again, yet hopefully for the last time with a couple quick but important requests.

First, my current lovely host has her sister visiting from Hawaii for two weeks starting this Monday, so I need to find another place to rest my noggin’, preferably in the city due to all the gear I need to carry to work & back and transportation costs. If anyone can help out with a few days of those two weeks here or there, that would friggin’ rock.

Second, I’ve been blessed by amazing and incredibly generous friends who have let me stay with them the past few months, but hell – it’s almost January and I’m far past due to find my own place, and part of the reason it’s taken so long is that I’m a bit picky – but really, all I want is a cool place with cool housemates in the city, and I know it’s out there waiting for me. Either a warehouse full of circus freaks or a home with a few calm, intelligent, evolved people. I’m looking to pay $600 or less.

SO, if *anyone* can help me with one of those in any way, I would really, really appreciate it – and I’ll do my absolute best so that you never, ever have to see another post like this from me again.

Thank you!

time for some good news…

Normally I don’t post things involving this subject, but I felt like writing some good news – at least good for me.
First, a wee bit o’ the history.
A  couple of you know that I stopped taking meds over a year ago, just before leaving San Francisco. I had been taking them daily for almost nine years, and they did good, did what they were supposed to do – which was keep me alive. During those nine years, however, I heard more and more stories of people dying from liver failure as a result of the medications, and also there was one little scare where I couldn’t get my meds for about a week due to insurance problems  – and if you don’t take them regularly, some weird shit happens where the virus creates an immunity to the meds and they’re no longer effective.  The fear I felt at that time made me realize how dependant I had become on my meds. I din’t like it
I decided that I didn’t want that scare again, and I didn’t really want t die of liver failure so much – so with my Dr.s okay, (under the guise of a med holiday, as they’re called) I stopped taking them. Forever. Whatever happens, happens.

I’ve had a couple small scares – (every time I feel a bit sick it’s kinda terrifying, actually) – and a big one just before I left New Orleans when I got my bloodwork done and in the three months since the previous test, my viral load had multiplied by ten and my CD4 cell count dropped almost 100. For those not hip on the jargon, that’s a very, very bad thing.

Very shortly after that I left, went to That Thing In The Desert, then came here, and in the time I’ve been able to, have focused on meditation and a visualization that I put together exactly for my health – not only maintaining it, but entirely curing myself. I’ve only been doing it occasionally, but very focused – and just yesterday recieved the results from the blood work I had done around a month ago, four months after the test in NOLA.

My viral load has been cut more than half, and my CD4 count has just barely dropped.

This is a very, very good thing.

I was thinking the other day that I wanted to do something pretty amazing by the time I’m 40. My friend said that I almost entirely quit smoking and that was pretty amazing – but honestly, it felt a bit empty for an accomplishment. Besides, I still have a couple a week.
So this is what I’m doing – or at least, one of  the things. I’m going to cure myself. Entirely, of Everything.

Then, teach others how to do it as well.
Yeah. That will feel pretty amazing.

I’ve got about ten months.

Piece o’ cake.

Stronger

or at least that’s what I thought.
I have tools for things like this, to rationalize everything into logic stripped clean of emotion…
but sometimes the job is too large for such simple tools.

I try to go about my day just as any other, getting things done, pushing everything back,
but it won’t stay there.
I see her face, hear the last words from her
and somehow still expect her to call.

I told her she could call anytime, and meant it.
Actually, that would be pretty damn cool.
Freaky as fuck, but cool.

When I was living in Austin, there were two suicides associated closely with The Enchanted Forest – both incredible women, though I had only met one briefly. Albert had an interesting philosophy that I couldn’t help but adopt in the position I was in with just having lost Bean. It helped things make just a little bit more sense inside.
His theory is that there is a strong energetic shift happening in the worls/Universe right now, and this I truly believe, and feel – and there are some souls – some energies, that are taken or called because they are needed out of the physical plane, in order to help us do what we need to do here.

Energy never goes away.

I’d like to start putting together a gathering of her friends and her friends friends, hopefully sometime early next week – Monday or Tuesday eve if possible – just to get together and celebrate her life and her beauty – and just to see each other again or meet for the first time. I’m thinking something of an Irish wake.

We’ll keep her around in our fond memories.

So – what day are most people available, and where shall we have it?

We miss you, Allison.

I took this in ’04, at Camp N Sons.
Talked to her less than a week ago, calling to check in – she was at work and asked if she could call me back later.
“Sure babe, anytime.”

Back to the light, darlin’. Nothing but love now.

I’m sure as fuck going to miss your face and hugs, though.
Your kindness, your honesty, your openness – your laughter.

Your laughter.

Beautiful.