I find myself with some solitude – lasting, I can immerse myself. She’ll be gone for ten days, and was kind enough to let me watch her cats while she was away.
Honest, true, solitude. It’s been ages, it seems. Still however, it’s tainted, just a bit in the knowledge that this is only a borrowed space, and here my life consists in only a small bag, a pile of costume clothes, and my computer. Another bag somewhere else, the rest still in my van.
My life. Sure is a strange one, at least by most people’s standards. Then again, I look at many people and wonder how they can live the life that they do I guess. It takes all kinds, and i fucking love that. Still, there are so many things that I don’t understand. As long as they are truly happy, truly kind people – then I don’t need to. Yeah, we’re different – but really, how different are we? Where am I going with this? Don’t know. Just really diggin’ people, from the crack zombies I encounter daily these days who are concious enough to compliment me on my hats and give a huge, toothless smile, to my sister who still looks at me with unanswered questions on her face (Anastasia noticed this during X-mas dinner) but loves me just the same. This I know.
Sure – I look at her life and it confuses me as well – i don’t think I could live as she does, working her ass off for a corporation as a very accomplished attorney (working with wills, trust funds, that kind of stuff) – but she has the best husband I could have ever hoped for for her, has blessed me with a beautiful niece and nephew, and I think for the first time this recent dinner that she actually wants me in her life. In her families life. In thinking back, I don’t doubt I was welcomed before, but that was my trip. Entirely my trip.
But I think I have a bit more to offer now.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Haven’t been writing much lately. Not having a home makes it difficult, and it wears on me in ways that i can’t describe. Ungrounded for months, all i can do is study, create – but even those are hindered. I only have ideas to work with, I want to have a home where everything surrounds me so I can make that costume, so I can create that shadowbox that was supposed to be for her for the holidays but everything is still locked up in my van. So I buy books, I study, I meditate, I become more, I try to ground myself and fly at the same time. I study because I have a goal, finally.
I study Quantum Mechanics, Quantum Theory – and goddamn, I love this. FINALLY, a meeting of all the spirituality I have studied based in scientific theory. Macick? Witchcraft? Goddamn right, but with a much stronger base. Rituals make it stronger, but the belief – the KNOWLEDGE is older than dust, and this is a new age. All the names we have for it are things that we need to create to make it paletable, a way to alter our perception, the paradigm we have had thrust upon us.
Finally, the fingers clasp and science and spirituality begin to become one again and we begin to remember.
We begin to remember, but fuck – there’s a lot of shit that we need to undo inside of ouselves, and that is my goal – my mission.
Admittedly, I’m not a common person. I don’t know why, or where it comes from, but my best theory is that as an adoptee – never knowing my origins, where I came from – never knowing my mother or father, having a birth certificate that is full of lies and paid for very well in order for my folks to call me theirs, I have been left to make my own decisions, my own theories, and though in the early part of my life I tried desperately to follow, I never could.
It just never made any sense, and something inside of me knew better. (?)
It begins to make sense now. All the reasons that I’m still here when I’ve done pretty much evrything not to be.
To the best of my knowledge, thinking of how and why, I contracted HIV about 20 years ago. That means that I had it swirling arond inside of me for about 12 years before i was absolutely certain it had become a part of me. There are many “miracles” (call it what ya want) that happened during that time, the main one impregnating my then girlfriend three times without her ever contracting this shitty little virus. The third time, we decided to keep the child, got tested.
She was fine.
So was I, except for, ya know – that.
Fuck it. I’ve learned from it, and I think because of a situation a couple of years ago many other people have as well, but now – now it’s time that I go further and let people know that there are ways to make it go bye-bye. In nine months I will be forty. It won’t take that long. There are no options.
I’ve been blessed with the capacity to not know what can’t be done. I have been blessed with the infinite belief that everything IS possible, and if you follow these scratches of mine, you’ll know that though it can be painful as fucking hell sometimes, we can overcome this shit.
(I miss you, Allison – but I’m happy you’re sticking around to watch over the rest of us. I hope that we make you proud… OH – and by the way? Fuck you for not being around to share drinks with me anymore – and making me spill *more* on the ground – “to my homies”. Love ya. Like fuck. Oh, and by the way – Bean loves squeaky toys. She’ll remember you. Please play with her, tell her her dad is fine. Tell her that her dad still loves her, and misses her and thinks about her every, every fucking day…)
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become.” ~ Buddha
Aaaand for the geeks – Luke: (After Yoda lifts the X-Wing fighter out of the bog) “I don’t believe it!”
Yoda: “And that is why you fail.”
I don’t fail, nor do you. We learn.
We learn, and become more of who we already are.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In other news:
I bought myself one of these things:
because I played one at The Enchanted Forest in Austin, and it really felt right. It’s called a resonator guitar (not a steel guitar, like I thought) and it feels right again, I got a goooood deal, thanks, eBay! It looks better here:
<a href=”http://photobucket.com/” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/kSea/DSCN6540.jpg” border=”0″ alt=”Photobucket – Video and Image Hosting”></a>
because it’s just straight up a cooler photo. How can I go wrong with a gee-tar that has a piece called a ‘spider’ inside of it?
Learning it, tuning it in a way that makes most regular gee-tar payers go “huh?” but works well. I’m eventually gonna jam with Mark Growden, and that’s what i say.
Loving my escapades with Vau de Vire Society ( http://www.vaudeviresociety.com ) but knowing I can do more, therefore working on an archery show – perhaps the only circus-based archery show in the country. I just ordered new arrrows for it, platinum with red & black flights (feathers). Shooting arrows at 280 feet per second through beautiful woman’s legs. Ain’t fuckin’ ’round here, kiddies. Look for it at the show at the DNA in February, but be sure to come to the Jan. 20th show, as well!
Auditioning to be an art-drawing model on Sunday, which will pad the wallet in the slow winter street months. Yeah, I know how to hold still.
New Years Eve was probably the best I’ve ever had at Xenodrome, and I will never be able to thank everyone enough for how delightful it was, or the love that was lavished on me. The words “I love you” seem so miniscule to what I felt, what I feel towards all of you, and I am honored more than I can describe to be a part of this magick that we are creating.
Aaaaaand, fuck – if anyone knows of a cool place to live in the city that doesn’c cost too much ( – $600ish) I would be eternally gratefull to find a HOME. I really need one.
I think that’s it for today.
I love you – but you should know that.