It sometimes seems that when there is adversity in my life, I get quite a bit tossed at me.
Sure as hell wish that the Universe didn’t have so much confidence in me, but, at least for now, I’ll just go on assuming that it knows what it’s doing. I think it knows how much I like a challenge – but damn, where are the challenges like “Hmmm – now *who* am I going to donate all of this money to?” or “Should we put the Grand Piano there or the pool table?”
I want *those* kind of challenges.
Alas, not just yet, I guess.
Finally was aboe to make it to the Wharf yesterday, and, as usual, I had forgotten how much I need this. How much I need the smiles and laughter of people, the warmth, the appreciation – yeah, I’m a smile junky. I got paid handomely for going out, but mainly only in smiles – but *that* is my reason. Make people happy and the money will come – eventually, I hope.
I returned home to a few emails – one from Nathan which filled me with an incredible warmth and love, and another from my doctor – which wasn’t really as wonderful.
It seems as though now my CD4 cells have dropped low enough to clinically say that I officially have Advanced Immunodeficiency Syndrome.
I feel absolutely fine, all is well – and I’ve been treating myself as good as I can. The only thing I can attribute the drastic drop to (considering that I’ve been off meds since before I left San Francisco last, and my counts have been, for the most part, fine) is the stress I’ve been feeling lately. I mentioned earlier that, even though I was essentially “homeless” for a year, I never felt that way until I returned to San Francisco and decided to stay – and couldn’t find an actual home.
I don’t know.
I’ve thought about what I would do if this day came – if things started falling apart inside of me, and honestly, it usually leaned on the side of staying off meds, and letting whatever might happen happen – and if it got too bad, well then…
It still leans that way inside of me. It’s been a long fucking road and sometimes I just want to get to the end of it – but…
I’m terrified of not living.
Not of dying, mind you – I made my peace with that long, long ago – but of not living.
Not loving, not giving, not having that hope of someday being able to do something for everyone, and not just worry about me and the next dollar or couch – and i feel as if I’m getting closer to that.
So, yeah – because of you beautiful fuckers, the love you share with me and the way I would feel like I’ve cheated you if I just go away, i’ve decided to get back on meds – which is going against all the irrational though inside of me.
I have an “emergency” appintment with Dr. K next Friday, the only day he’s in the office i can go to.
I want to keep seeing your smiles – and I have a shitload of dreams that have yet to be made into reality…
…and I want to keep on dancing this dance.
(And right now, I’m thankful that my actual friends list is small enough that I don’t need to do any crazy filtering.)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Oh, and yeah – with all my money (but really, it was quite cheap) and at the suggestion of a friend, i put this up about a week ago.
Don’t really know what to expect, but hopes are there. Spread it around if you wish. It’s “public”, but I still have reservations about putting it on Tribe, or in a public forum where friends are involved. Seems to damn self-serving, and I’m really sick of asking for things from friends…