Ramblings from Lightning in a Bottle
Out of sight out of mind but in mind knowing that she is here consumes. Months past knowing, knowing that I was done, over, over – but no closure – no she was never good at anything that brought an end, she already was one. I was willing, so was she, then nothing. I hater her, I love her and I don’t know why still. I want it over, this is not love, this is only the stain of love past, only the memories of what could have been. Close, close. Go away from me and let me go too. Go away and let me not think of you, let me look forward to the possibility of seeing you, let me breathe, let me walk around and not strain myself looking everywhere, let us close this and let me be myself. I am not like this. My relationships end, aren’t suspended in nothing but the passion of the highest dreams. Iam not yours, but still – still, you have me, and that is not me, that is not fair., I am not the child that can turn this into hate anymore, I don’t want to. Those monhts were pure magick, and in those months I grew.
No, though for a time I was, I will never be yours again, and I don’t want you – so why do I feel like this? I want to show you how well I am doing, I want to show you how much I don’t need you, I want you to fall in your strange kind of love with me again and then shun you. You make me a vindictive child. I let you. I am not yours, I keep telling myself. I keep telling myself and I know. I don’t want you, I know you now.
I am not one to cast stones. I am not pure. I most certainly have my faults. I drink, I smoke, I destroy myself. I am not one without faults, by any means – but I drink, and I smoke – I destroy myself with all of my heart. My heart which I give freely, my heart that I could never give enough. I am not afraid to let people know that I have one, and that in it lies worlds of wonder, dreams, and passion. In it lies everything I have been, all I will be – all of the stories, all the exquisite wonder and bottomless anguish – in it lies me – and I am not afraid to scare you away. As I need to deserve you, you most certainly need to deserve me. Know me and want to know more. I don’t want you, but I need, desperately, the dreams of possibilities, and that is what you were. You were beautiful dreams, but unfortunately, that is all. …
I just want
for you to tell me that you felt the pain that I felt,
the sorrow of losing something that seemed so perfect
and for us to eventually become friends – if I allow it.
I won’t. I don’t think I will. I don’t want you, I am done…
But still, I love you, I loathe you, and I would like to see the heart that I thought I did again, just so I can rip that piece of mine I gave you away from it and not feel this again, ever.
I gave it all, I gave all of me. Gave all of me, to you, then.
Let me take me back. You didn’t exist from then until now, when I know that you’re here, and this is a small place.
I need to see you. I need to say Good Bye through all of your heart lies.
10:24pm, Lightning in a Bottle, 5/11/07
And I wish I just didn’t give a fuck again…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Wish granted. 10:49, Saturday evening. With all of my soul, my being, my love – with all that I have to offer, I am here. With all of my love.
I am here.
From the sidelines I watch the immeasurable beauty of Vau de Vire, a show unparalleled and every drop of it sucked in, savored and swallowed. I am a part of them???!! Of these amazing artists? Yes – I am. Written in stone… But still, in such a small way. I stiltwalk, I breathe fire – but I need to let them know that there is so much more inside, I have stood by the side of the stage for far too long, and I know what I can give – the difficult par of this is showing them. I am everything, always have been. Just took me a bit to know who I am, and who I never want to leave. I am fucking everything, I am ME, and I am love.
Perhaps that is what my problem with standing on the sidelines comes from – at least partially.
I want to give. There is no other reason why I am here, hiccup. (I have the hiccups, and the keys keep jumping around, damn them. Writing this is a bitch.)
I want to give everything I feel right now to everyone. Just the top of my heart, of course – the part that I let you have. The sweetmeat. Don’t go further, but feel the part of my heart that I give you – it has been made for you. You don’t want to go further.
I have been made for you.
Don’t worry about the deeper pieces, they ain’t goin’ away, and I am still alive….
But believe me, with all of the pain inside of the lower parts of my heart, the depths of it…
It only brings the love I have to offer higher.
I love you.
Time to go rock the fuck out to Mutaytor. After that, I have shitloads of work to do to make me more of a part of Vau de Vire. Give me a year, or less.
Dreams don’t go away, and, fuck – I didn’t run away to the circus ma… I ran home to it.
(Right now, this very second, you’re all crawling outside my van as I write this, dancing, playing, singing – and soon I will join you, but I do what I need to do. In short minutes I will open my door again, and step out – I mean, hells – Mutaytor is playing! – but for those of you who read this drivel, and to those who know better to…
I love you – and just so you know, if there was ever any question… I don’t fuck around with that word.
I love you, and thank you – with all of my heart.
It’s not a small one.
I aspire to be much more of your world than mine – I exist because of you.
I am you. Feel me, and come to my heart. My heart is your home.
I am you.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
the world happens around me. My heart y
earns, but knowing better than myself, my boots come off. I want to feel you pressed against my flesh, I want to savor you – but sleep, My delicious cave on wheels is what and all I think of now. Have fun, play, know that you are always welcome/
I need to sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
3:40pm, Sunday, May 13, 2007
Transform transform transform transcend grow and change. A life that has found the beauty in pain, a life of my own making against all. A life of uncertainty, a life of flux. Molding, becoming, growing, I am, I am. Nothing and all, I am. A life of beauty, a life like no other, I am like no other, I am, I am me. Me and my dreams. I am the product of all that is inside of me, and it cannot be measured. I am the product of the love I find in you, and that, as well, cannot be measured. I live because of your gifts, without you I am nothing, less than nothing. No one can live a life alone, they only survive. I survive, I live, I suck and savor the juices that this life, this Universe offers. I roll you all around on my tongue, I consume and give back what I have drawn in as well as I can.
I talk nonsense. Just needed to write. Heartfelt nonsense.