decisions

My last night in Oakland, tomorrow Lauren comes home and I must take leave. It’s been nice – an incredibly comfortable bed, a sweet dog  that always suprised me with the mess it did or didn’t make when I returned, and delicious solitude that I used unwisely until a couple days ago when I began to meditate again. Sure, I got a lot of outside work done, but the inside crumbled. I don’t really like this kind of solitude. Either give me a cabin or tent in the middle of nowhere, (an Enchanted Forest to get lost in and find the sacred places to sit where no one will find me) full of good energy, or put me in the middle of an active city where I can step out the door and have the world there at all hours. One or the other – I don’t do half-way well.

Still, it has been wonderful in its own way – and I learned that when I am able to begin looking for a home, it can’t be in the East Bay. Just my preference.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Things have changed over the past couple of days – I’ve remembered. This past weekend I went down far enough to need to – where it wasn’t just the usual shadows climbing that the next morning after getting the words out could bring the sun that is inside back. Weighted under the uncertaintly lf life and the way I chose to try to dull it only made it heavier, more serious. I forgot the game, the dance. Too many things to figure out – where is the next bed,  the next dollar, the next meal, how will I possibly make all I want to have happen happen? The magazine, the books, trying to figure out how I will find the money to get arrows for a performance I had talked about with Boe for the Playa – how will I gather all of my things, spread about the bay area, without inconveniencing everyone? How will I get money to get a tent, food?

 The smallest things weighed tons and at times I was resigned to simply staying here, my mind took me to the worst places. I looked at the homeless people, muscles strainded with their lives on their backs in ripped backpacks held together by any means possible and called them – the ones who weren’t completely out of their minds – I called them brothers, sisters. I try as best as I can not to look homeless – but I am. It is truly only by the grace and generosity of the friends I have that I am not in the street with them right now. I thought of the fagility of life. How the world is at our fingertips one moment and the next… I cave all of the non (obvious) drug addicts change when I could, when I had it. I can always spare something – but sometimes it was only a brief stop to talk.

I’ve been fortunate enough not to end up entirely like they have yet, but I know the value that a few sincere words have on the souI. I am intimate with their power because on the days following my lost weekend posts it was words from you that brought me back. Thank all who sent me messages. I needed it. Sometimes I can do it myself – most times. Pretty much always, and I have, long before I had the beautiful people I now have in my life came around – but gods, it took so much longer…

Perhaps that’s where I found my strength. Perhaps that is where i came to be me – the me for this life. Never thought of that before, but it makes perfect sense. I’ve become to believe… no – to absolutely, without any question know, that I/You will never be challenged with anything that The Great Oooh Ahhh doesn’t know that I/You can’t handle. Period. It’s not out to kill us. Simply out to introduce us to unfamiliar tunes that we need to figure out how do dance with. That is the most important thing for me to remember. I want to keep my easy  laughter.

I want to keep dancing, any way I can.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was earlier today that something hit me – and honestly, all I can call it was a decision. A Decisision. I was down, stressed, bent under the weight of everything – but then, literally in an instant, I remembered that this was a game. That’s all it took. the weight slid from my shoulders as I sat  – umm. well – as I sat on the toilet. Sorry for the graphic imagery, but that’s where – but anyway, (and this has nothing to do with where i was sitting) I remembered – and a day that wasn’t bad, but just kind of blank – all of the sudden, for the first time in days when I was alone – I smiled.

I remembered. It’s all a decision. I decided to laugh – and that changed everything in a small fraction of a second, and my dreams were back, and I decided to believe in them again, and I decided to believe in, most importantly, today, now. Seems to me that now is a pretty damn important thing. Seems to me that now is never as bad as we can make it inside of our minds – because our hearts are stronger. We just have the tendency to listen to the wrong things. 

The things that are easier. It’s so much easier to give up, to conform, to desert ourselves, our dreams. (Aren’t we our dreams? I am not a product of my father, my mother, my friends, or the society or “community”. I am affected by them, and I sure as fuck have my issues, we all do – but I/We have more strength than we know to work though them. I am only me, and only when I am me am I worth how glorious you are. Only when you are you – …)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, the mundane part.
New business. It took a lot of hard swallowing to escape from the “I am a performer!” bullshit that I was wrapped up in for a while, but at the same time I can’t take a normal job.Freedom is sacred to me, and time bounces. I could never hold a normal job in the things that are coming up anyway – so now I am an independent IKEA furniture assembler. It started with a friend who just needed to have some stuff ut together, so I offered – I know how to do this, have based most of my previous lives on working with my hands and figuring things out.
From there my mind started working. “Hmmmm- bet she’s not the only one…” And in four Craigslist posts, got three jobw – one I could accept – and she was so happy that she tipped me 50% for an hours worth of work. That’s my new gig to carry me through. They will get more frequent – only been doing this for a little over a week. It will become a good business, i will hire friends who need scratch and help them out if I’m too busy for some reason, and rock it. San Francisco street performing is done for now.

Just found out today that I’m leaving for the Playa in ten days. Now nine. Tons to do. ohshit. Still don’t have a ticket (owe $25 on the one I bought) and don’t have my dies for Red Nose District yet. Selling my Resonator guitar for super cheap. $120.

Happy with a recent conversation. Very happy and at ease. Yeah, you this time, Miss Sensitive.

Fixed Boe’s engine and drive shaft on his van. Feel good about that. I would happily do it a hundred times over. He’s one of those people that I just want to give everything to. he has a certain something that is so genuine and loving – but I don’t think he knows it. I know he doesn’t try. It’s just him.

On the search for the perfect bar-made vodka Martini. Not stopping drinking, but drinking one hell of a lot less. All about self control that is liberating, not oppressive. Besides, I like olives – and I especially like drinks that come with snacks.

My books are being reviewed (read) by someone who I trust to do something with them in three days. She asked for a specific remender from me and another person who wants to make a movie out of a part of my life. A very dear friend dreamt a couple of days ago that the books went over well and a movie will be made out of them as well. I trust her dreams. they are mine as well – and mine come true through no small effort.

All it takes is believing.

All it takes is knowing.

There is no perfect peace – the first noble truth of Buddhism is right on – “Life is suffering.” – but we are fucking strong, and yeah, there will be suffering, sorrow, and immense pain that you don’t think you can make it through – but you can. I know this because at times I knew I couldn’t make it through, but i did. We all can. Quit being such a wimp, and learn to love it. Learn how to remember how much you are, how much you have to give – regardless of where you
r life sits right now.

Ya know what though? The buddhists have part of it right, but not all, in my opinion. Life is sufering, yeah – but that’s a bit dire. When you get down a bit deeper, life is exquisite – because we walk through the suffering, learn from it, and come out on the other side with eyes that have seen the shadows – and because of that, know how to see the light.

Life is exquisite.

Every drop of it is – and I’m one thirsty bastard – but trust me,  there’s enough of everything to go around – and you’ll have your share.

And we’ll share stories. We’ll share our lives, we’ll share our love.

Isn’t that what we’re doing now?

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