I don’t know how to write this. I don’t know how to write this without sounding like something, a being, who is any more special than you – because i am not. Never have been, never will be. These are the things that I want everyone to realize. Perhaps this is my path. Read these ramblings and know that you are a part of them. Believe in the bottom of sorrow, the lightness of joy – but don’t look to go where my heart has been.
By lovers I have been called an apparition, an illusion. Just a couple days ago I was called a mythical creature by a dear friend.
If I am these things, it is only you who make me so. If I could only express how deep the connection goes. I am only brilliant points of light and empty space, I am only energy, I am only me, my past in this life and what I choose to do with my now. I am hundreds of unsaid stories, beauty and pain. I am you.
I don’t know how to write this, the blessings that have come when I just simply let go and believe, when I swallow the sorrow and angst and simply believe that it will all work out – but I need to write this. I need to write this because it does. It always does. It always works out.
Recently I decided to dry the tears of frustration, and smile. No small task, not as simple as it sounds – but it was a decicision that needed to be made. Over the years I’ve learned to listen, and have been taught how to do this when needed. I decided to smile, listen, and let things happen as they will.
That’s really all it takes. I decided to let go of the frustration of not having any scratch to make the trip to Burning Man possible, the stress of everything in my current life. I let it go, and smiled. I decided to join the dance again. That’s really all it takes. Dancing…
The day after that, I recieved a response to my writing offering a free ticket to the Playa from a beautifully random someone. A free ticket to Burning Man. In my initial reply I turned it down, as II only need $20 to finish paying for the ticket I have already commited to, and know that someone else needed it more – but then I re-configured my thinking, and remembered that things happen as they are supposed to.
As it ends up, I a selling the ticket to a former lover and dear friend who is in a financial bind, for less than the cheapest tickets available. With that money I will be able to pay for my camp dues and pay off the rest of my ticket, and she can come to The Playa. Everything works out.
Shortly after I talked to another friend who wonderfully put me up for a couple months directly after the burn last hear, asking him if I left my Camelback at his house. I can’t find it anywhere. Kevin said he hadn’t seen it, but hell – he wants to buy one for another friend of his, and he will happily buy one for me as well for a belated birthday present. I saw him yesterday after far too long, and goddamn, I not only came out of it with a delightful conversation, but I also have a kick-ass thingy that will keep me in the water.
Everything works out.
I still need a tent, but I just got a call for a job tomorrow which will possibly pay for that. Part of it, at least.
My throwing knives came in the mail yesterday. Time to start practicing again.
Damn. silly words with no poetry – but I am tired. A lot these days. time to lay out, give thanks, meditate. This didn’t come out as planned – the words… – but they are never planned, they just come as needed…