Of all places, I certainly didn’t expect to find myself here tonight. There’s been too much to say to say anything.
I’ve been neglecting everything as much as I can, wanting to be around people but not wanting to talk, a strange unrest swimming inside of me. Thinking incessantly of what I’m trying to put together for the show on the 28th, something new for me and I’m terrified. An idea I’ve had for months but haven’t had the opportunity until now, and while in my mind I think it will be incredible, it is nowhere I’ve ever been before.
We’ll see how it goes. Still so much to do – but all I can do is think about it. Things need to be right in order to write what I need to for it, still need to build props and figure out where they will come into play, figure out timing, theatrics, sound.
It will work out. I’ll do it, and then it will be over. I have the opportunity to reach further and need to take it.
It will work out, one way or the other.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Burning Man was exquisite. I had the opportunity to share work, food, great conversation and laughter with some amazing people who I now consider my friends. In my world, that opportunity is rare. I perform with people, we’re in the same place for hours at a time, but we run past each other, busy doing this and that, preparing, performing, watching the show when we can and then packiing up, exhausted, and saying our goodbyes. I’ve performed with many of the people I spent the majority of my 12 days on the Playa with before, but never knew them. Never put up a huge circus tent or sat on a couch across from them before when all there was to do was relax and talk a bit. It was glorious.
In the beginning of the week, while the camp was still small and there were only around 60 of the soon to be 270 people, we had socials. Our first one was the best – Scott (Professor Violet) organized a little speed-meeting thing, the people divieded into two groups and after a while evenually doing what he asked and forming an inner and outer circle of people, facing each other. The inner circle rotated, and had a couple minutes facing the person on the outer ring to talk and get to know them a bit. Cheesy as hell and I went into it with a laughing reluctance, but…
We were all supposed to think of one question that we would ask the person we were in front of, and I couldn’t think of one. Thankfully, the first person I faces was Indigo, and he asked simply “Who are you?” I liked the question, and instead of answering it, told him that I’m stealing it, which I did.
Some peple I let off giving an easy answer – others I didn’t. It was when I faced Astra, and after I wouldn’t let her give an easy answer (“No – go deeper. WHO are YOU?) that she turned the tables on me, and asked me the same question. Now, Astra is not only gorgeous, but has an incredible energy inside of her – and a beautiful depth. She asked me the question with the same intensity that I asked of her, so I had to pause, and think. This is not an easy question to answer.
Who the fuck am I? I’ve been everyone, done quite a bit. My life has been full, but that’s not *who* I am. Who am I? I thought – I’m days away from the 40th anniversary of my birth, and while most of my life I’ve been someone who I thought might be the person to please my parents, or get me that false sense of security that money buys you, or this, or that – well, now… Now, I am a performer. I work with a few incredible groups, and am so fucking wealthy with friends my heart is perpetually on the verge of bursting. I am moving forward in trying to get the deepest parts of me from the last four years published, and when they are, they just might help a few people realize that even through all the pain and darkness, there is light, and it is beautiful. I’m trying to create a magazine, the first of its kind, which will possibly help the people who rush past each other back stage learn a bit more about the people they perform with, and let the rest of the world know what we are doing as well.
I’ve been a street performer in nine or ten cities, and through that found out that I could survive almost anywhere, and in my silence as a statue realized the purest love that I have ever felt, and knew that it was who I had worked so hard to become.
I have been called beautiful by the youngest and the oldest of passerby, I have shared the wonder of silent secrets with children with a wink as they were pulled along by their parents. I have made numerous people laugh. I have let a man cry in front of his teen-aged daughter, right after he said to me “I’m so happy you guys are coming back…” – in New Orleans, five months after Katrina.
I help people smile. I help people remember the wonder they had as a child, if I’m lucky. I do what I want to do. I only answer to myself, and the needs of my passions. I survive. Barely – but I survive, and with my friends, I create magick.
Who am I?
I am kSea flux, a name chosen for my love of the ocean and the way my life constantly changes.
Who am I?
I gave Astra this answer:
“I am finally the person that I dreamed of being as a child.”
This brought tears to her eyes.
I am the ancient black man smoking a corncob pipe, sitting in a rocking chair on the front deck of a ramshackle one room house, offering ageless wisdom to the schoolchildren who wandered by on the dirt road. That was my vision when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up – but I could never say it.
I am the motocross superstar that I saw every time I looked out the back seat window of my parents car on long drives, jumping the freeway overpasses, always landing gracefully on hill built up to support the next one. I was always there, riding hard as hell, and I could always see me as I sat in the back seat, silent.
Who am I?
I am my dreams, and I am making them come true.
I didn’t expect to be here tonight, there is too much to say to say anything – but I said a little bit of something,
and I feel a bit better now.