And I believe again.
I believe that – even for me, there is a love, someone out there, someone who might have a heart as scarred as mine to know the depths of immense sorrow, someone who has traveled far pat that and knows what a Warrior is, someone who knows pain and light.
fuck. I’m not writing this. I’m gloriously terrified. I have had many lovers and a wife, but without question they were meant for someone else. I was meant for someone else. I blessed my wife with my dearest friend, I have blessed my lovers with their absence of me. I still love them all, and as long as they are happy – well, that is all that I need from them. I could not be what they wanted, for thousands of reasons combined. The reasons don’t matter. They are happy. That does.
Then, dancing on the edge of an age that I once called ancient, wanting so desperately to have a reason to go away forever, something happens. A call was answered, and I found her, and she is me, she is everything. We have only known each other in this life for a short while, but – but she fills my heart, and FUCK, I am not writing this!
I am. I need to. Of all that my life has been, through all the death and agony, I never though that I would find her – but, I did. More appropriately, she found me. (I knew that there was some reason I was given the talent to write…)
It is strange – terrifying how her life mirrors mine. It is strange and terrifying that it does. My life hasn’t been one of an angel – I have never hurt except in the eyes of the law, even through all of my addictions, all the drugs…
I only did what I did to erase the pain. I only did what I did to die inside, I needed to.
I held my .38 Colt Cobra snubnose to the roof of my mouth, loaded with the hammer back, my finger on the trigger, a slow pressure. Something made me stop. That was 1999. I wondered if tomorrow could be better. “What if tomorrow is just a little bit better?”
I sold my gun the day after it was in my mouth – and then, I knew my blades. I still do, but now they are a part of my life, not my death. I don’t want to die anymore, and honestly, it is not because of finding her – it is because of my few friends. Past lovers, new friends that have entered my life only recently – (D, I told you that you are a King – remember who you are…) and knowing that I have something to give that I am still alive.
We all have something to give, each and every one of us has been blessed with a certain passion that no one else has, or has ever had – a certain talent, an exquisite love that just might be able to change one
life, that is wondering why.
My Holiday present is this, to you – Go out dressed in your most extravagant garb, and smile – sincerely – at everyone who looks at you.
I do this every day – they seem to like my hat – and the most important thing is to smile first – think about the world we live in, what people read in the news, every day. SMILE. Let them know that soon, the Angels will take over the world, or not – but let them give a chance to remember how to smile. So many of us have forgotten.
I smile again – for the first time in far too long, with all of my heart. All of it. It is not my mother that was missing, though I still yearn to look into a face that I com from, have a billion questions answered – but I now know that as much as I want to just simply see her, my birth mother was not the empty piece of my heart.
I don’t do this. I do not pronounce lovers or loves – but this woman, Luna – this person, the Moon that shines on my Sea – she makes believe in so much – and she makes me believe that I won’t be alone again. Ever – and I trust her.
I have very seldom written about new loves, and most of you who read these words knos that most of what I write is the unwanted child of pain – but now, I write about her and what she is to me.
I am uncomfortable doing this. I don’t know how to write my love. I only know how to give it to others.
She is me – though a bit more boisterous. I am quiet – and she ain’t. (Luna, I know that you will read this, and I promised from the start that you can’t expect anything but everything from me – and you better do me the same honor,,,) But – I believe I have found her, found “the one.”
It only took forty years of growth. I am blessed. I know that sometimes it takes much more.
I am not writing this, I am, and I mean every word.
We are all blessed – but fucking hell, be patient. In the meantime, create magick.
Welcome my Luna, the Moon reflecting on my Sea. She is us, as far as she is me. She is me.