Becomming again…

Precariously perched on the edge of the backrest of a bench in my strange and beautiful beast, I write these words.

I am back.

A couple months of solitude, a flatline life, wondering why things weren’t happening and dwelling in not having instead of allowing what is possible. I know better, but we all forget – the heart stumbles and is lost, and then, so are we.
Perhaps this is a time needed to become again, as each time it has happened to me new life has been found, and though the stuggle is not small, it gets easier with the knowing, with the awareness. Gots to swim through the emty to find the full, yes? No light without dark, ya know? In many ways I prefer to swim in the dark – in music, in appearance, in all of who I am, because there is something I have learned. Even though life can be so horribly painful at times (and if you aren’t a stupid fucking lovehippy and know this) it is the pain that makes us grow into who we can be. Who we already are, just need to remember.

But I digress.

I’m back – for now. Full of love and passion and a good dose of fuckitall, This is a message from a beautiful woman who I have not yet met, but none the less, filled my heart. Her message, my response, and her again:

Please forgive my brazen approach but your call
> > to arms of circus folk caught my eye and led me
> > to your page. Your images are quite beautiful
> > and have touched a side of me I have long kept
> > fast asleep. They have stirred a long past
> > memory of someone I once was or perhaps someone
> > I am in some parallel universe. Sadly
> > responsibility keeps me from being what I know
> I
> > am (for now) but I’d like to say that having
> > glimpsed that little bit of you that you’ve
> > chosen to share here on tribe, it has given me
> > hope that someday soon I shall wake up and
> again
> > be Me.
> >
> > Your magic is real and while I’m not very good
> > with words my intent in having written you is
> to
> > simply say that you have touched a strangers
> > spirit and reminded them who they are.
> >
> > Thank you and….. love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

kSea flux wrote:
> There is nothing to forgive – or bettersaid,
> nothing that I have the authority to. Your words
> and the beauty behind them remind me of who I
> am, of why I am here – and for that, I sincerely
> thank you. There are times that darkness falls,
> and I forget, don’t understand, lose that part
> of myself that makes me who I have become.
>
> Your words have given to me the same gift I gave
> to you, and my heart opens again, believing,
> knowing.
>
> The challenges to become who I knew who I knew I
> was and am has been difficult and not without
> sorrow, not without immense sacrifice – but I
> have never experienced a joy equal to it.
>
> It was only a few years ago that I gave up
> everything (with the help – or perhaps a better
> word is insistance) of the Great Ooh Ahh, The
> Great Shoobeedoobee, what we call the Universe
> but is much more than that, there is not a word
> in english that I know how to describe it – but
> hells, it finally made me listen – and in the
> few years that have followed, I have never felt
> such sorrow – or such exquisite joy.
>
> I have never felt so incredibly alive – and it’s
> about friggin’ time!
>
> Honestly, I must call you out. Fuck your ”
> Sadly, responsibility”. This is your life,
> YOUR life, and be who you are. Open your eyes,
> release the sould that you obviously know is
> imprisoned in what you think you must do. What
> you think you must do ain’t it, beautiful woman
> – it’s who you are, what you have to offer that
> will make a difference, and a difference needs
> to be made, with the will of a warrior. A
> Warrior of the Light.
>
> Give yourself to who you are, and everything
> opens. Though without question there will be
> challenges, it is being true to yourself that
> Spirit takes notice, and helps. Magick is
> everywhere – we are saturated with it, we just
> need to remember how to work with it – and from
> looking at your Tribey profile, I’m prety
> certain that you know what I am talking about.
>
> Becomming who you are is the greatest of
> reponsibilities, and the Great Shammalamma is
> waiting, wanting – to help.
>
> It’s not an easy road, I will assure you of that
> – but gods, the rewards are more than you could
> ever imagine.
>
> “And how long have you been
> the language of a story
> that could be true?”
>
> This quote comes from a small, strange book that
> I found and felt AI needed to buy eith my last
> sniney pennies when I was arond seventeen. There
> have been many times I have forgotten it – but
> now I need to create that story, write the
> language, word by word.
>
> I implore you to do the same.
>
> Thank you for what you wrote.
>
> The evening befor I received your message, I
> looked to my runes for something Ineeded to be
> aware of. I drew only one, as I usualy do, and
> it was Ansuz – the messenger rune, signs,
> signals, gifts, and to be aware of them.
>
> Your wordsare a gift, a sign. I am a warrior –
> and though i occasionally fall – I need to get
> back up, and be who I am.
>
> Thank you, and without question, with love…
>
> ~ kSea

Message     Your kind and loving words have me left me in a puddle of tears. Amazed and grateful am I that you understood what I wrote, welcoming me with your encouragement and sharing your strength by allowing me a glimpse of a world that seems so familiar. Traveling this world as a Warrior is only hard when we forget who we are. When we forget that its merely a game and that we have the tools which enable us to play in it. Sadly we as humans turn the tools into burdens and imprison ourselves by our very use of them. We get so comfortable in using whats familiar that we forget about all the other wonderful gifts we have come in with…… that is until we get reminded of them.

I have been sitting stagnant in this life I’ve made for far too long. Allowing my spirit to become dim, my soul hiding underneath a life I’d chosen in a guise thats called sacrifice. I find it annoying that I sound like a such a martyr (meh! really how obnoxious) thankfully I’m not one to wallow in self pity and I would have done what I’ve done regardless.

What I didn’t do was remember to feed my spirit. Allowing fear holding me back from seeking those like me who could nourish me with inspiration and creativity. I guess I felt I didn’t deserve it…. old programming….. whatever, again meh. At any rate I know what it is to give everything up. Not really give up everything but lose everything by having it all taken away from me. Part of everything includes the person I once was. The trauma that that caused me was in fact a blessing. A blessing simply for the fact it made me birth the person that I am now. It has taken me years to climb out of that darkness but I’m grateful, for that darkness became the womb out of which came Luna. That darkness allowed me to explore the deepest crevices hidden within my psyche, my shadow showing me the magic that I am. Thankfully my spirit was filled with enough light that I didn’t get lost

All that work has made me strong. Stronger than I’ve ever imagined. But like a butterfly stepping out of its cocoon I’ve got these wings that I’m not used to. And they are still wet, still covered with that silk I wrapped myself in and have been struggling to step out of. I know I’ve got to push through that barrier in order to fly because fly I must but the scariest thing for me is that my wings wont work and that I will fall. I’m trying hard to trust in myself …… and trust others by having faith that they are on the same path as I. That I can have the luxury to explore and to find those who would explore with me. That there are others who
would want me around to explore with.

I am learning that one cannot travel this world alone. Thats a new concept for me. I’m sure I must have past lives as a monk in as much as I have enshrouded myself with solitude using “responsibility” as an excuse from participating in my own life. You are right by calling me out and saying I must step out and make a difference. If only for myself. For only then can I be the warrior that I am and make a difference to those that need it.

I can see that I am only now at the beginnings of my story. A story I can make come true so long as I believe it. So long as I can imagine it. But I must continue to wake up and shake those cobwebs out. And I must allow others to participate in this story and color it with their beauty too. An artist cannot create something if they have nothing to create upon. Your words have placed in my heart the beginnings of a new chapter. Its up to me to create the storyboard.

You made me smile when you wrote you pulled the ansuz rune. I have ansuz as part of a binding rune tattoo’d on my back. Its to remind me of who I am. I have always been a messenger. That you pulled that rune not only doesn’t surprise me but it fills me with assurance that I am here to do what I do.

Your words have been a blessing dear kSea. You like me are also a Messenger. An angel guiding one of his own back into the light. With tears in my eyes I thank you, my gratitude knows no bounds. My heart is filled with love and wishes for nothing but the best of everything for you that is in this world. You have truly added enough of your beauty to make a difference in it.

If you are in ever in need and if I can be of service please feel free to come to me and I will be here.

I am forever grateful
in love and without question my blessings

L –

~ ~ ~

I feel a bit uncomfortable putting this down for so many eyes to see, but – no. I am as strong as the tallest mountains, I am a dragon – but I also have a heart that needs. I simply wanted to share my remembered joy and what it has brought with my friends…

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