Perhaps this is a good time to continue the story, this story, mine.
Whether it is or isn’t I don’t know – I only know that I need to write, so I do. In some ways it is a curse – I need to write to remember, I need to write to move forward. Put it down so it is not a part of my head anymore, so I can reach the next step. It is a glorious curse, it is who I am, my words and so much more…
For the past eight days I have been going to an incredible class, introduced to me by Whitney many months ago. It is a ten day course, and each day is incredibly important. Then, I went one day, but could not afford to sacrifice the money made during even only a single weekend performing on the street in order to complete it – but now, with the streets in San Francisco dried up and no reason for me to be there, I find the opportunity. It is amazing, and I grow again, become more of who I know I am. I walk down the street and strangers look at me a bit more than they ever did before, and I know I am doing something that I need to do.
I learn Ujjayi, three stage breathing, Bhastrika, the Sudarshan Kriya, lessons in breathing, and more. It becomes part of me.
It is difficult to get there from here, or would be. It’s an expensive round trip from Berkeley to San Francisco, and without the aid of Bobzilla, I would not be able to do it. Except for a bit of holiday money from my parents and sister, some of which needed to be given to repay debts, I have had no income for over two months.
It is time for things to change, and they are doing so.
I look around, sitting in my Beast, and realize how fortunate I am. I have a roof over my head that is mine, I have incredible friends that care for me, I have more gold than many in those few things. This Beast needs so much more – hard to do what I need to with no scratch…
I have found a partner that I can believe in, that I believe won’t go away.
Many lovers have turned into many friends, and while my heart is still with them there was a loneliness that I could not escape – they live their lives, I lived mine, and they grew apart. I am not a simple charge, not a simple man to love in any more than friendship. I know this, and expected to spend the rest of my life alone – but then there was her…
Dreams do come true.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I sit in my beautiful Beast, wondering what is next. Looking for a way to make money, loathing the lack of it. There is a journey waiting, a new one, and…
and I know solitude, I know alone, I know emptiness – but now I need to learn to believe in someone else.
We’re both terrified.
I babble, stop.