An untimely demise….

It began it’s life as a useful tool for a company that creates cutting-edge digital projectors. As they need to have the most up to date equipment, it was soon phased out, and thanks to a friend who worked for them as a computer/IT guru, it was able to find it’s way into my hands, and as far as material things go, has certainly been one of the most important gifts I have ever received.

Clotho (named after the first of the three Fates – ) has been instrumental in helping me do what I needed to do, from organizing performers all over the world when I worked with The Dresden Dolls to always being there to write on when I needed to. When I began my travels, it showed me the best ways to get where I intended to go, whether I ended up there or was diverted by The Great Oooh Ahh because I was supposed to be somewhere else, take a different path in my travels. Thanks to a program that came with it, it even showed me exactly how much I would need to make busking in order to get to the next destination, and where the most likely places to make street money were…

It’s soft glow made me feel comfortable, the music on it made me feel whatever I wanted at the time. It has been blessed with tears and blood in Austin, sweat in New Orleans, and two years of Playa dust. It gave me a way to say what I needed in the most trying of times, and share that with people – who responded, and let me know there was someone out there who cared after Bean was killed and I felt more alone than I ever had before.

Through Clotho I created performances, and music for them. Strange to call an inanimate object something of a muse, but still – she was my friend when there were none around, and even though my life is so far beyond this laptop, like me, it is inside of her.

Clotho had been getting sick lately – slow, unresponsive, and a bit ornery. I guess that you can do whatever the hell you want in old age, and I tried desperately to take care of it, be gentle and forgiving, adn make it as comfortable as possible, but – hells, I’m trying to create a website, and this project I’m hoping will have even more impact and re-direct more lives than even my time with The Dresden Dolls did. I was hoping to get the money to purchase an external hard-drive to back everything up before this happened, I was hoping to finish the premier issue of Big Top Magazine. I only had a couple few more days, but they were ones spent endlessly working, trying to get everything lined up, completely change most of it because I realized a few flaws, re-size all the images, tables, re-link all the links…

This morning, Saturday, March 29th, at approximately 5:09 am I was working on Pixie’s interview, trying to figure out why the tables (that have the exact same pixel value, page percentage, everything) wouldn’t just appease me and be the same friggin’ size so I could get past that and continue puting the interview that Brady did with her down and finding the best images for the best places in it,  like the way the top image is looking at the title in The Wandering Marionettes article. Nothing is accidental.

While I was doing this, the display started to go jiggy on me again – wobbling, shaking, kinda like (the older kids will remember this) when someone turned on a hair drier and the TV went wiggly. I’s been doing this frequently, but with no disatrous results, so I just kept trying to work, trying to see what I was doing… and then the cursor froze.

And then everything went dark.

In the middle of working on Pixie’s article, it was gone. Fortunately, I frequently save what I’m working on these days, just in case…

With no response fron Clotho, I was forced (again) to do a hard boot – press the power button until it kills itself. I tried to reboot it – nothing…

I laughed, said “Ohhhh… shit…” – So much to do, my deadline for the site launch is on Tuesday. It can be done if I barely sleep, all the tiny things are annoying and redundant but quick. I just need you to last for a few more days…
Even with all the coffe I had drank, I was exhausted. I gently closed the Clotho, layed down, grabbed one of my books and read. No use worrying, it either happens or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t now, it will.

It will.

I slept for about 5 hours, and when my eyes opeed, the first thing they turned to was Clotho.
Although my entire life for the past few years is on it, there was no fear, no worry. Those are pointless feelings, and accomplish nothing. I really don’t need any kind of stess now, anyway. Just trying to stay alive, yo. Keep things as placid as possible…

I moved about a foot to the bench, opened Clotho up, hit the power button – and gods, she came to life! Slowly, reluctantly, but the opening screen was there, and she was on again. FUCK yeah! I performed the usal ritual of picking it up and moving Clotho around to find teh wireless signal, expecting to be back in business again, hoping for emails from people I need to interview letting me know when and where, seeing what the world was up to… but just a few moments after it was on, the display started to go again, everything froze – and then, black screen. Not even the typical blue screen of death. This was like it had already been buried, binary fertilizer.

Hard boot again, turn it on, comes up – another few minutes, no more. Sam e thing.

I realize what I need to do.

I let it rest for  a bit, turned it on, then dumped almost all of the Big Top Magazine site on the remote Laughing Squid server, in order to save at least that, and be able to continue when I get another laptop. Obviously, and much to my dismay, I won’t make my deadline of April 1st.

I spent most of the day researching laptops, looking for what I would need, that I could grow into instead of out of, and found it. Based on user reviews, and because I need multiple huge programs running while I am working on the site ( more than likely the caus of death for Clotho) and for music I want to create, and everything else – AND, because it looks so friggin’ cool, colors almost like it was made with me in mind, I have decided on this one:

IF I get accepted for the medical study, and don’t spend a friggin’ dime  for food or transportation or fun (yeah, I still remember fun with other people) or pay tickets so my home is less likely to get towed, then I will have enough money paid for my blood (literally) to purchase this. Perhaps a little bit more, but that will probably need to be spent transfering all the data and programs from Clotho to my new ‘puter.

Still, that is an if. I had to go in yesterday for more blood tests as ( you know if you read a previous post) things are kinda screwy with my blood right now. I’ll find out around Tuesday if I am accepted.

Meanwhile, check out the site – it still looks like crap, but better crap. If you’ve visited it before, refresh each page, as it seems to be kinda clingy to it’s old ways. With the dump, most of everything is on there – or at least where I was cut short. Pixie’s interview is much lovelier and longer than that, and still so much needs to be done – but right now as I write these words on Bobzilla’s computer there is nothing I can do for it.
Saidf it before, will say it again. Bobzilla kicks tons of ass. That’s putting it very lightly. So does Meridian, who also makes me feel comfortable…

A dear friend, Ty, is organizing a benefit for Big Top Magacine – she is co-kickasser of , and we planned on having a benefit for the mag (or just a great friggin’ show, if I didn’t need the scratch)  in late april or early may – but hells, if there is any way you can donate to the “Save Big Top” fund (which happened faaaar before I thought it would be necessary) then please do. CLotho is dead. I can’t create the site – or anything that I had already started. No Music, little writing, borderline losing my schizit, yo.

And if there is anyone who can tell me why the gaddamn tables don’t li
ne up in Pixies piece, please do.

Remember, you might need to refresh most pages…


Big Top Magazine wants to promote YOU!

Big Top Magazine wants to know what YOU’RE doing!

HEY! Do you have a show, tour or event that you want posted? Do you want the link to your whatever-it-is to be made more available, World-Friggin’-Wide on a site that is created specifically (more or less – this ain’t *entirely* altruistic) to get you past the county line of wherever you live and let the world know what you’re doing?

To the best of my knowledge this will be the only current publication of it’s kind, and I intend for it to be the flagship of the Circus and Art renaissance that is happening everywhere. I believe that it is time to get to know each other regardless of where we live, to exchange ideas, and collaborate in our desire to make the world around us more beautiful, more magickal, more colorful – and most importantly, to introduce what we are doing to people who would normally not have the opportunity to see it – or even the knowledge that it exists. (Just yesterday I told someone what I was doing, and she said “Really? There’s a Circus community in San Francisco?” She even sent her daughter to classes at Acro-Sports!)

I want people to wake the fuck up and see the beauty around them, I want to rattle the realities of the people who have almost given up, and show them that there is much more to life out there.

I want them to remember their dreams, and make wonder a part of their lives again…

I want a lot of stuff to happen, and this magazine is the best way I could think of to at least be a small part of it. Eventually it will have a site specific search engine that will really help, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet – but soon.

SO, without further adieu, please get me your performance, event and show schedules as soon as you can. Include links to your personal sites and to the venues, and if you are offering online ticket sales (I recommend Brown Paper Tickets, look ’em up) let me know that as well and I will put a link on the listing. I need this as soon as possible, as the official launch date for the site is April 1st. (appropriate, yes?) I would appreciate if you sent them to me in a MS Word document.
And I’m talking about pretty much everything in the community, all over the world. Appropriate (or at least somewhat) bands, DIY fashion shows, art exhibits, any weird shit, Festivals, and of course the circuses.
Keep it simple, with the name of the event, date, location and link to more information. As of now this is still pretty much a one-person show, and it already takes all of my time. Love it, though – and it needs to be done.

Please send them to>>> <<<ASAP! Cutoff date is the 23rd of March if you want it in this months “issue”.

For a look at the site Beta, you can go to – Mind you it kinda looks slap-dash right now, but there is tons happening in the background.
Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you wish, anywhere in the world, Forwarding this would help me immensely, and also promote your friends!
If you have any questions or comments for me, shoot them to me at .
Thanks, and I look forward to getting your listings VERY soon!

Much love and no sleep,

~ kSea

That email address again –

(I believe this is going to rock – the site is barely even up yet, and it’s had 95 hits as of today – mostly East & West coast USA from people who probably saw something about it, but also Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sweden, Norway, South Korea, New Zealand & Puerto Rico. Search engine hits at just under 5%, Direct traffic (not linked to by, say – at almost 20%. Dig it, yo!)

~ ~ kSea flux ~ ~

Ringmaster & Founder
~ Big Top Magazine ~