heaven of hell

in long strange hours the mind grows dim, the heart heavy and dark. I write what I feel and feel what I write, and yes, Hatter, that is the same thing. I am a part of all that I have met, and this lays inside always.
Sunshine, coffee, and wonderful emails from Pixie & Amanda from the Dresden Dolls lift me, as well as figuring out that goddamned thing that was challenging me in Dreamweaver. Now onto the next goddamned thing. Can’t scare me with a little challenge. You ain’t shit for what I’ve been through before.
Gods, what a name for such a program – but I guess it doesn’t say exactly what kind of dreams, now does it?

Ahh, Mephistopheles, I see you now as you are, but my soul is already yours…

“The mind can make a heaven out of hell, or a hell out of heaven.” ~ Milton

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thin line

Absent yet in the middle, in on the outside. I write about everywhere I want to be except for gone for this fucking vision of what could be, what will be. This fucking magazine.

In reading friends posts I realize how fortunate I am to still be alive – a friend of theirs died a few days ago of the similar infections that I had in my leg, and while I have scars that decorate, discolor and still irritate almost the entire left limb – I’m still alive.

still alive for now. Need to get shit done, I fight like a motherfucker, but sometimes
sometimes times like this with $.55 that I don’t even bother putting in my pocket and no end of the rainbow and no end of the tunnel where everything makes sense I wonder and I sit here and all I can do to forget everything is work on what I need to do and I just need it to be done and I’m so fucking weary of depending on anyone else because all that does is take me lower, lower.

I work on the site, I create my vision, my dream. Without that I would most certainly realize how lonely I am. In saying those words…

i do.

Eleven days until the site needs to be ready, complete. Still so much to do and I don’t know if I can do it – or if I want to anymore. The unfortunate thing is that I adore these people, and that won’t stop – but fuck. This isn’t a fucking whim. this is what is keeping me alive.

it’s all that I have right now. It’s all that I have.

Sorry, too busy for you…

perhaps this is the lesson.

We immerse ourselves in projects so that we think that little else matters but what we are doing, what we are trying to accomplish. “Sorry, I was busy, with this, or that.” Emails go unanswered, calls ignored. “Sorry, busy. Really, really busy. Don’t like it, but once this is done, I’ll get to you…”

I now have time to look at me, this part of my life, the things that hold weight, that matter. I can count on one hand the people who have contacted me and asked me how I was in the past three months, but – I was no different.
Busy. Have this project. If you aren’t instrumental in it then I’ll get back to you – eventually. Maybe.

Fuck you for being too busy, and fuck me for being the same. Every one of these goddamn sleepless nights I question what a friend is, and in some people I know, have a hard and true answer – those are the few people that make the one hand, this single fist that I need to figure out what I want to do with, to either destroy or create with.

Sick to fucking death of apologies, theirs and my own.

perhaps this is the lesson…

I should never be too busy for the people I consider friends…

I know this side now, again.

tuesday

Yeah, laptop dead. Not able to work on and finish site, which would quickly be made into something that brings in much needed money.

Okey doke – ya see, I have this medical study that I’m going to be a part of, which will pay the money it would take to get a new laptop in two weeks. Groovy, perfect timing. All looks good for the study, they want to start ASAP. Groovy again. Need the laptop soon to get this Magazine completed and going full force…

Found out today that my platelets are dangerously low (after another test, still) which ain’t too good health-wise, but screw that. Not eligible for the study.

fuck.

One of these days, something has got to work out…

please.

Grinding halt…

While yesterday was spent starting Clotho, working with the scant few minutes it offered over and over again in order to transfer all the files on the site to the remote server so they won’t be lost and in the meantime researching new laptops on Bob’s desktop, today was spent with a loss of direction. All of the sudden the Big Top Magazine website, which has consumed me for roughly around the past month and a half was gone. There is nothing I can do with it at the time. Every bit of information, every file, interview and image is locked on a computer that doesn’t work.

Yeah, I know what some of you are saying right now, and I completely understand why.
“Why didn’t that ass back it up?”
Truth is, I did – about three weeks into it. I used the only way I had to back anything up at that point, which was burning the files onto CD. Thought it was a great idea, thought I was being so responsible – until a few days later, and a few days after that, and incessantly since then.
It’s difficult to constantly back up a site that is being created by a person who is learning as he goes along, keeps on getting more info and changing the entire format of the site because he learned something new every couple of days, or every couple of hours. I decided to wait until I was able to afford an external hard drive, and simply save it to that as each major change was made – I don’t have that many blank CD’s, and honestly, another factor in the decision was that every time I burned another CD, all previous ones would be waste – and as I sure as hell can’t proclaim to be Mr. Eco Warrior, that did seem ridiculous. There would have been, literally, roughly a hundred. As I said, I’m learning as I go along, and things change every day…

Or at least, they did.

Big Top Magazine is still in full swing baby, just a wee bit of a hiccup right now. Apparently, it’s hard to create a website without a computer.
On a positive note, I’ve found that I still have a left hand that can write pretty letters that make words that I can actually read. I love the pen and paper, always have – but these days, it’s just so slow…

Perhaps that is what I need right now. Everything is a lesson.
I want so damn much to give the world something amazing, to leave something for them.

To not be forgotten. It goes deeper…

With loss of forward movement today I needed to do something, so I did the simplest – I went on an aimless walk. Turning when I felt like it, eventually ending up at a bookstore, walking more, further away from my mind, looking everywhere, walking slowly with no direction.
Fucking glorious.

Thanks to Bobzilla, I have a laptop to briefly borrow until he needs it for work again tomorrow – and I must say – DAMN! I thought my WiFi card was good, but then again it was bough a few years ago. This thing rocks. I’m sitting, ass sore on my “bed”, but ther has been no problem with an internet connection.
Can’t friggin’ wait for my new lappytop to come my way – I’ve found that when I really need things, they appear. Like this strange vehicle that is my home, like The Enchanted Forest, like everything. It is not a blind belief – it is a knowledge that I will be taken care of.

Long ago, I played by the rules, and they controlled me. It is impossible to play by anyone else’s rules and live a life that is your own. So many fucking people tell you what is right, what you should do. Play by their rules, and without question, you will lose this game – for after all, it is only a game, and meant to be enjoyed! THAT is where the beauty lies, where the magick is waiting for you – in smiles to strangers, in random laughter, in lightness.
I’m still working on that – it is one hell of a paradigm shift, and even your closest friends might question you.

Fuck ’em. I’m not much of an example, but as I said, I’m working on it – one of these days, everythig I am doing will make sense to you. It already makes sense to me – I’ve been what everyone else wanted me to be – but now I’m figuring out and doing what I need to do.

Tomorrow, which would otherwise be consumed with the deadline for the website, I think I go to the archery range in GG Park, and remember everything I can from the Kyudo classes, ages ago. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that perfection, escaping everything…