Grinding halt…

While yesterday was spent starting Clotho, working with the scant few minutes it offered over and over again in order to transfer all the files on the site to the remote server so they won’t be lost and in the meantime researching new laptops on Bob’s desktop, today was spent with a loss of direction. All of the sudden the Big Top Magazine website, which has consumed me for roughly around the past month and a half was gone. There is nothing I can do with it at the time. Every bit of information, every file, interview and image is locked on a computer that doesn’t work.

Yeah, I know what some of you are saying right now, and I completely understand why.
“Why didn’t that ass back it up?”
Truth is, I did – about three weeks into it. I used the only way I had to back anything up at that point, which was burning the files onto CD. Thought it was a great idea, thought I was being so responsible – until a few days later, and a few days after that, and incessantly since then.
It’s difficult to constantly back up a site that is being created by a person who is learning as he goes along, keeps on getting more info and changing the entire format of the site because he learned something new every couple of days, or every couple of hours. I decided to wait until I was able to afford an external hard drive, and simply save it to that as each major change was made – I don’t have that many blank CD’s, and honestly, another factor in the decision was that every time I burned another CD, all previous ones would be waste – and as I sure as hell can’t proclaim to be Mr. Eco Warrior, that did seem ridiculous. There would have been, literally, roughly a hundred. As I said, I’m learning as I go along, and things change every day…

Or at least, they did.

Big Top Magazine is still in full swing baby, just a wee bit of a hiccup right now. Apparently, it’s hard to create a website without a computer.
On a positive note, I’ve found that I still have a left hand that can write pretty letters that make words that I can actually read. I love the pen and paper, always have – but these days, it’s just so slow…

Perhaps that is what I need right now. Everything is a lesson.
I want so damn much to give the world something amazing, to leave something for them.

To not be forgotten. It goes deeper…

With loss of forward movement today I needed to do something, so I did the simplest – I went on an aimless walk. Turning when I felt like it, eventually ending up at a bookstore, walking more, further away from my mind, looking everywhere, walking slowly with no direction.
Fucking glorious.

Thanks to Bobzilla, I have a laptop to briefly borrow until he needs it for work again tomorrow – and I must say – DAMN! I thought my WiFi card was good, but then again it was bough a few years ago. This thing rocks. I’m sitting, ass sore on my “bed”, but ther has been no problem with an internet connection.
Can’t friggin’ wait for my new lappytop to come my way – I’ve found that when I really need things, they appear. Like this strange vehicle that is my home, like The Enchanted Forest, like everything. It is not a blind belief – it is a knowledge that I will be taken care of.

Long ago, I played by the rules, and they controlled me. It is impossible to play by anyone else’s rules and live a life that is your own. So many fucking people tell you what is right, what you should do. Play by their rules, and without question, you will lose this game – for after all, it is only a game, and meant to be enjoyed! THAT is where the beauty lies, where the magick is waiting for you – in smiles to strangers, in random laughter, in lightness.
I’m still working on that – it is one hell of a paradigm shift, and even your closest friends might question you.

Fuck ’em. I’m not much of an example, but as I said, I’m working on it – one of these days, everythig I am doing will make sense to you. It already makes sense to me – I’ve been what everyone else wanted me to be – but now I’m figuring out and doing what I need to do.

Tomorrow, which would otherwise be consumed with the deadline for the website, I think I go to the archery range in GG Park, and remember everything I can from the Kyudo classes, ages ago. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that perfection, escaping everything…

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2 responses to “Grinding halt…

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