tuesday

Yeah, laptop dead. Not able to work on and finish site, which would quickly be made into something that brings in much needed money.

Okey doke – ya see, I have this medical study that I’m going to be a part of, which will pay the money it would take to get a new laptop in two weeks. Groovy, perfect timing. All looks good for the study, they want to start ASAP. Groovy again. Need the laptop soon to get this Magazine completed and going full force…

Found out today that my platelets are dangerously low (after another test, still) which ain’t too good health-wise, but screw that. Not eligible for the study.

fuck.

One of these days, something has got to work out…

please.

4 responses to “tuesday

  1. .38 special
    they say that if you tell someone that your going to commit suicide, you won’t. I hope that they are right, cause I’m telling you, that I if I have a chance at holding one of these, I might…
    I use to once every year get to feeling like this, buy a gun and do it. Now it seems more frequent, fewer spaces in between the pain.
    Apparently, I don’t have to buy one these days. I can go visit my own family. My mother or my grandfather. One of them have one. I’m going to go live with my grandfather by August.

  2. Re: .38 special
    A few years ago I took a Colt Cobra with a 2″ barrel out of my mouth. Hammer pulled back, click click, & finger on the trigger.
    pressure… just a little bit more…
    then I wondered if tomorrow might be better, thought about the mess it would make (I’m a Virgo) thought of a thousand other things, and slowly pulled the pistol out of my mouth. Put my thumb on the hammer, pulled the trigger to release it, and slowly let it find home, let it rest.
    Fuck what “they” say. Though I didn’t tell anyone then, I doubt that telling someone something will prevent you from doing it.
    Whoever the hell you are, there is something that you must know. Tomorrow was better. It was full of pain, grief, frustration, and some of the deepest sorrow I have ever known even to this day, and that sorrow and agony is still a part of me – but it was also full of beauty. Things took on a new color, brilliant, bright – I made my dreams come true, and continue to do so – and I know that I have changed at least one persons life for the better, because they told me.
    There are many days where I wish I still had that gun, (I sold it the day after it was in my mouth) but then a couple hours or a day later, I know that if I had it, the temptation would be too great at times – and somehow, I am accomplishing something. I am better than that – and even though I don’t know who you are, I can guarantee you – you’re better than that as well. Don’t expect the pain to go away – it won’t. All you can do is work with it. Make it into a beautiful creation, or a thousand.
    Besides, I would imagine that chocolate milk looses its flavor when you’re dead, and random smiles don’t mean quite as much…
    and they probably don’t have whiskey wherever deadspace is.

  3. Re: .38 special
    thank you. Thank you…I am struggling to take it one day at a time. I never in my thoughts thought that I would be chased down and so frequently by this.
    Once was good enough in 05/06. I didn’t expect it to be every other week, once a month for the past 5 months. The next day is always better, but I know what is waiting for me when my thoughts run backwards and it’s a struggle these days to keep them moving forward when the fire (creative) has cooled off significantly.
    I didn’t want to bother you on who I was, I certainly didn’t want to bother you with this or me, surely… but I need a friend… I needed someone to talk to- and usually I am without a phone throughout the day I couldn’t call anyone to talk about nothing til my mind moved forward.
    I’m sorry I made your eyes hang out their sockets. If it’s any consolation- my eyes had pokers sticking through them all night at work.
    “don’t expect the pain to go away- it won’t. All you can do is work with it. make it into a beautiful creation, or a thousand..” thank you for that, above all and everything else.
    “Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. ” Emerson

  4. Re: .38 special
    think of this – the smallest bit of pressure on the trigger on that gun (gods, it was a beautiful pistol, rare. Bought from a cop, actually – and sold to an ex-cop.)but the pressure just needed the smallest bit more before my life was splattered on the wall…
    Had that happened, I wouldn’t be here. At all. It was long before I ever started writing on the internet.
    Regardless of what you think you don’t have, you just might be able to keep someone else alive, or change their life – in the future if you haven’t already.
    I know who you are now, I think – everyone has a distinct way of writing and through your words you gave yourself away to me – but maybe I am the only one to see it… and to be honest ( as everyone deserves it) hells, at times you’re incredibly annoying – but if this is the person I think it is, you have also helped me when I desperately needed it, needed it more than anything at the time. – have you forgotten that? ((a boot on a van, a guitar)- am I right?)
    I sure as fuck haven’t forgotten, and I never will.
    You have helped. You will continue to – and your life is incredibly valuable to many people in the future – and now.
    I never thought that mine was valuable, or could be – but I was surprised. Now, you write me asking for a reason to live. All I can give you is this example. me.

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