I find a distinct and dangerous line as I search for the words I once could write, the place I could go inside where I could find home when there wasn’t any true home – that place is getting much more difficult to find.
I try to imagine myself in my tent in The Enchanted Forest in Austin, I try to imagine myself sitting on one of New Orleans’ balconies hovering above Chartres St. in New Orleans, or in my tiny apartment just off of Esplanade Ave. there, or on a random block of Colorado on the way to both… Gods, what a glorious adventure.
The adventure has become horribly stagnant, but that is no fault but my own – as the dangerous line I speak of is one of making dreams come true. One should always be careful of what they wish for – fight like hell to make their dreams into reality, but be aware of the consequences.
Of course, there is a sense of accomplishment – of course, I am pleased with what I have learned, and where this might go – but three months after beginning to make it happen I am nothing but still in the exact same spot, calling home a sidewalk-tilted strange old wagon that I can’t wait to make move – apparently the lat time she did under her own power was in ’85 – at least, that’s the last year she was registered…
She has been waiting far, far too long. If I give her life I know she’ll do the same for me, – but baby, I’m sorry, that will take money for a new fuel tank, new hoses, and then some – but we’ll get you there. Just don’t have it right now.
but this isn’t about her. This isn’t about me. It is about the absence of me, and what I used to do so well, what people, at one time, occasionally would tell me that it changed their lives.
Words lost in a dream, and I suspect it’s as simple as not giving myself time to even consider reading a book in months.
I still need to follow this path, but I have, perhaps, learned a valuable lesson. One that I need to remember…
If a dream isn’t powerful enough to take you away from you, perhaps it isn’t true. If it is, be very, very careful as you chase it down.
Tomorrow I will open and begin to read again one of my favorite books, and perhaps find a meeting place, where I can introduce me to me again, and continue on this difficult path with trust.
That will be my new adventure…