crumble

when every fucking red rare cent I get is invested into far too much work for far too much nothing and I can’t even afford to get across the bay to create more work for myself for something that is only my dream and only a handful of people seem to give enough of a fuck about to keep it alive, I want to erase everything I see – and all I see is me and the magazine right now.

this takes far too much work to be worth it, and I’m so quickly sick to fucking death of empty promises and incessant emails to unresponsive people and this is only the way I am feeling right now, and I know it will change, I will believe in this fucking magazine again, and someday it might justify itself. Each interview is fought for, and gods, the one with Maya from Fou Fou HA!, while only accomplished through incessant rescheduling and emails, filled me with a fragile hope. Fou Fou HA! is one of the few perfect comedies, a troupe that brings pure laughter, and when I asked her if she had ever thought of performing in hospitals, performing for terminal patients, perfroming for people who have lost the laughter and were just waiting for the final breath… she said that she hadn’t – but would look into it at the soonest possibility – and the way her eyes lit up, I believed her. The interview will be in the next issue of Big Top Magazine.

Tank, the only one who has paid for advertising on the site and the angel of the only money it has made since I devoted my life to in February, said that she knows I can fly. She keeps on saying that. I need to believe her. It is her words and support that are keeping me from – I don’t know what. This is the only thing I have, the only true thing I have believed in through all the years of trying to survive, as just believing in me isn’t enough – but sometimes it is tragically difficult to believe in others. Sometimes (such as now) my spirit washes up barely alive on the shore of your indifference, or what I feel might be in the absence of many things – so many things. It would be far too easy to tell everyone to fuck off without a word, everything, everyone, including me. What would be lost but hunger and the desperate and horribly lonely attempt for survival?

Nah – not me anymore. A long time ago I took my cocked .38 out of my mouth. I have enough going for me, enough going rapidly towards that end of this particular time…

I’ll tell you one thing, though – if /when I am able to afford a massage again, I know exactly who I am going to. Though I know some truly amazing body-workers, it is what I read on her site that made me gravitate towards her in a huge way. I’ve never been worked on by her before, but that makes perfect sense – we don’t really swim in the same schools anymore.

Though I can’t frame the first check this site has made and post it on a virtual wall as most if it has been invested back into the mag, (save for a glorious day of sitting in a cafe’ and drinking cold mint tea and working on everything, then actually being able to buy a sacred S.F. burrito) – I can give her the above picture and recommendation. Hopefully soon I might be able to give a true review of her work, as I sure as hell need it. As this is my website and I do everything on it – I can do anything I friggin’ want, though I will never be dishonest or promote services I don’t believe in – you can count on that.

www.bigtopmagazine.com

The Midway – go there.

I’ve been awake for over a day now, (no, no stimulants except for coffee -just foolishness and drive, aqnd waiting for a reply to one of the emails to respond) and it is time to nap for a couple of hours.

Feeling better now that I have put it out there, feeling better now that I told people about Tank. Still working on completely re-designing the site, based on the demographic info I’ve received.

This mag is fueled by cheap whiskey. Bring me some – as there is something about sipping on a glass of bourbon through every hour of the night and doing this that helps it happen… and helps me sleep when I need to – or forces me to.

Hitup Tank. I think that she probably kicks ass, and will make you feel friggin’ fantastic. It takes one hell of a lot of confidence & knowledge to say what she does in her site.

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