There is a peace inside me, at least for now. I try to let the constant questions fade into nothing and trust that what I am being so wonderfully consumed by is the right thing to do, and I know it is, as there is no justification for not chasing down dreams – but life was so much simpler when everything was just day to day, I did what I could, and went on to the next day. Chose those smaller dreams that had so little impact. Just was me, a night performing here or there, kept it at that…
It’s different now. Drastically different. There is a goal which keeps stretching out into many others through the magazine and expanding, and Saturday night while talking to a friend at a fund-raiser about the event I produced, she paused, said that she just wants to see Big Top do as well as possible before I “go away” – wants to see me reach where I intend to go with it… or something to that effect.
I don’t remember her exact words… I didn’t think anyone thought about that but me, and it was somewhat disquieting. Before the magazine, in the intentional day to day life I lived before, each day was completed at the end, each morning new. Little contact people with people, I just survived as well as I could with the little I have, made few plans, kept to myself, and made certain that as little as possible would be left unfinished if anything happened and health started racing downhill.
That changed the day I officially launched the mag three and a half months ago. All of the sudden I could taste this dream, and while working on the second issue had the realization that it isn’t just a performance I rehearse for months and is over the night of the show. Big Top is nothing that I can really ever stop doing. Theoretically, sure – I can quit it anytime, go back to the days when I didn’t need to be concerned with leaving unfinished business – but that can’t be justified in any way. Already, just in it’s infancy, Big Top has been visited over 3,800 times by 58 countries, given me an amazing way to help countless others, and even won an award… a pretty decent beginning.
So now all I can do is fight like hell to make it better, and hopefully someday soon find a way to secure it’s future existence, just in case anything happens to me, so I can get rid of these thoughts that I thought I was the only one who considered, about when I eventually “go away”. Get a permanent rolling home so I will always have a place to create it from, a laptop that isn’t borrowed, that can handle the strenuous needs of all the applications and I won’t need to fear might need to be given back at any time, and after those things, a small permanent staff that would be able to perpetuate it.
Just a bit of security, so the thoughts of how to make it better, of how to have it make money, will stop circling over my head like vultures when I try to rest… just a real bed to rest on in a home that rolls anywhere I need to go, instead of the floor of this tiny Beast that is stuck in my friends driveway that I need to leave soon…
Just a few small things that would lift tons of weight off my shoulders, and let my spirit soar again. All the sudden it ain’t just one guy performing on the street and bringing smiles here and there –
I think I’m onto something with Big Top Magazine and all that it can do, the impact it could have, and the ways it could help – and I gots me some plans, baby – BIG ones!
Anyway, suprise suprise, Big Top could use your help, as it’s still just making it on a wing & a dream, and my plain old stubborness. Hells, if just the people who visited the site since July 1st only donated the cost of one cup of coffee or chai, I would actually be past the base goal set for a great start to get everything in motion! Please help in any way you can, even if it’s just posting the link to the site to all your friends so they can enjoy the magazine & perhaps donate, and in the meantime, I’ll keep working hard on the next issue of Big Top, which I am hoping to have done by the end of September. http://bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html
Thank you all so very much for your love and support – I couldn’t do it without you!
Big Top Love,