Looking for totter…

as I’m teetering. Last I remember was looking at the clock saying almost 9am… then waking up in an odd position with my hand on the computer, Nick Cave blasting.

texts on my phone, instant messages waiting, Tribe messages as well.
Went to my email. Told a likely side-job that I’m only available on Sunday. Returning client, but committed to a friend on Sat.

Really wanted Sunday to totter. Need money more, and this should be good money – disassembling furniture I assembled, moving it, re-assembling it.

Have a appointment for blood work with my Dr. on my birthday next Friday, but fuck it – if something pays, I’m taking it. Fuck birthday, would rather have a reason to celebrate the four months of this magazine instead. Would rather have a home, the smallest bit of security.

Gods, what joy that would bring! My first actual home, mine all mine, in a few years. Slept on couches, slept in a beautiful Forest, had a few short months living in my own blue tarp apartment in NOLA shortly after Katrina, just big enough to almost move around in a bit when the futon was folded.

Things need to change. Now. The magazine is growing, but now, I need your help.

150 people to donate $41 for my 41st birthday to help Big Top. Advertisers so that I can rely on monthly income and employ two people, and know that I can, guaranteed, pay them. Tank is the only paid advertiser, and just renewed – brought me a check, along with a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon (my favorite) and a ticket for Nick Cave!

Gots to get back to work, wrangling interviews, planning for the future. Creating my off-playa  art. Heh – those beautiful fools only work for around six months creating theirs, then it’s gone. I will work for the rest of my life for mine, and hopefully it will continue when I go.

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com Please help! If you can’t through a financial donatin or advertising, then simply let everyone else know about it.

Big Top lovies,
~ kSea

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Probably shouldn't be writing…

as I haven’t really slept in a few days, just trying to figure out how to do one thing on my site, my art, my dream, created for you…
Got it – feeling triumphant.

Also took down the pointless front cover, redesigned the top banner… and figured out over sleepless times how to do what I intended to do – a beautiful slide show of images from Big Top Magazine’s first production, Revolution!

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

Please read the “Founders Note” on the first page, and if you can help, do. Big Top has been helped tremendously since my original post, from entirely unexpected people – people I know have very little, and that is incredibly appreciated. They just want to see this magazine, the first of its kind, continue.
Me? I just want to continue it, and Big Top takes no less than all I have. Spread the site everywhere. Advertise or donate. Times are tight, and Big Top needs your help

My 41st birthday is coming up soon, a week and a day. $41 from only 150 people  would do far more than help Big Top – it would be appreciated by the over 4000 people who have visited the site so far, and help it get more to dig it, baby…

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

Probably shouldn't be writing…

as I haven’t really slept in a few days, just trying to figure out how to do one thing on my site, my art, my dream, created for you…
Got it – feeling triumphant.

Also took down the pointless front cover, redesigned the top banner… and figured out over sleepless times how to do what I intended to do – a beautiful slide show of images from Big Top Magazine’s first production, Revolution!

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

Please read the “Founders Note” on the first page, and if you can help, do. Big Top has been helped tremendously since my original post, from entirely unexpected people – people I know have very little, and that is incredibly appreciated. They just want to see this magazine, the first of its kind, continue.
Me? I just want to continue it, and Big Top takes no less than all I have. Spread the site everywhere. Advertise or donate. Times are tight, and Big Top needs your help

My 41st birthday is coming up soon, a week and a day. $41 from only 150 people  would do far more than help Big Top – it would be appreciated by the over 4000 people who have visited the site so far, and help it get more to dig it, baby…

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

Cheap update…

Amanda Palmer & I

are now perhaps in a competition.

My schedule needs to excel hers within six months, for future obligations under our belt. She’s just one – Revolution is many. Work is cut out. There’s a reason the DD took me on a few years ago – everything I do is saturated with passion…

Need a PA, need an advertising kickasser, going on a tour starting May if it kills me. She’s already got help.
(PA – not Prince Albert, personal assistant.)

She will be in the new Big Top issue. That, at least, is confirmed.

Big Top needs volunteers, needs advertising, needs your money! Things just got serious – If she wins, I’ll owe her an ice cream cone, hand delivered. (Or something similar.)

Delivering silly things is part of my M. O. – from coffee in a bag to a sandwich. Time to deserve someone else’s effort. Especially hers.

Wed, August 27, 2008 – 6:33 AM — permalink0 commentsadd a comment
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going a bit crazy…

Already started working on a REVOLUTION tour. Just sent out two emails to amazing performers – unconfirmed, so unnamed.
Beginning in May ’09, three months.

If this happens, it will hit the usual cities, as well as those who just aren’t offered such beauty.

Wish me good fortune, give Big Top some love. As I learned from my first production, even a benefit takes thousands of $.

Just one guy following a dream, a warrior who knows what it is to see light – in Big Top, I see it.

Don’t want to be just one person – can’t. Need volunteers to push advertising on the site, need you. You will be rewarded in love, eventually in cash. All I can offer.

The third issue of Big Top is looking amazing – but lots of work to do. End of September.

Wed, August 27, 2008 – 1:22 AM
   

A sacred silence…

In a way it is deafening – somewhat akin to being immersed under a waterfall, or in the depths of the Sea where all is heard is a heartbeat, never knowing if it was just yours, or the life of everything…
I used to spend as much time as possible under the water. Any water…

I have time now to work, and strangely I do so with much more fervor. I have time now to not worry too much in the seconds lost from sleep – and gods, I actually got five hours lat night. Still up before the sun, I gots me a new direction! Each and every day is filled with solitary excitement, looking forward to the new issue of big Top.

I really have no way of expressing how much I love this – the words just don’t exist, all I can do is show you. Heh – that reminds me so perfectly of something I heard once, that the very thin line between love and hate is never solid. I’ve finally learned what I need to do, but at the same time wish I never had. Never knew what I need to do would take so much work! Never realized how, for the first time, I could die today and know that I’ve done something. Never sacrificed so little for so much, when it comes down to it.

Okay – back to work! There is nothing more exquisite.Nothing that I had the right to ask you for help more – because I can offer something back. bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html

Shoobydoobie! Life is beautiful.

Big Top, baby!

Imagine the photo above with the Big Top logo – imagine the photo as my new home. Super cheap, right NOW! Right now.

Friggin’ beautiful, perfect.

Advertise anything on Big Top or just simply donate to it – I swear, once this is taken care of you will only hear event announcements from me. But NOW, this is primary, extra special important.

http://bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html

All I need is 19 people to offer $100 to their belief in Big Top within the next couple of days. $100 ain’t nothin’ by itself, I’ve spent much more than that in a day, easy – but combined… just 19 people. actually, no! I’ve saved a bit over $200 which I ain’ t  touching until I get a rolling home, so that is just 17 people – Just SEVENTEEN of the 3,956 who have come to the Big Top site from all over the world!

Only $100. Only 17 people, and things will rock for Big Top! Or 34 people at less than the cost for a good dinner at $50. Feeeeel it baby, feel the satisfaction!

The cool thing is that this doesn’t need only be donation – it could be advertising as well! Every cent goes into helping Big Top help you help Big Top help me help you help the world, etc etc. Suffice it to say – time is of the essence, and any help will -…  will HELP!

Yeah – I’m excited, and eloquence escapes me…
Got a buck to invest or offer? A ‘1’ with a couple of zeroes in front of it, or just a ‘1’? anything. Advertise with “The Best of The Bay”, or just simply be adored and thanked on the site, your name (if you wish) lit up in lights as an appropriate “Thank You”  Soooo much better than a silly mention on your local museum’s wall, as more people will see it, and it costs SO much less!

Could YOU be a Big Top benefactor? Betcha you can, and I thank you in advance. Best of The Bay, Best in the world! Name in lights and all of that, if you want it. I’ll give you anything I can, just asking for a minuscule bit. Big Top needs to get moving, and YOU can help! Here’s how…
http://bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html

Thank you!

Ya want it? You got it – It is for you…

Winning “Best of The Bay” for “Best Local Webzine” by the SF Bay Guardian after only being in existence for three months (two when the voting started) might make you think that I’m on to something with Big Top.

3,841 visits from 58 countries in just three and a half months, I think I am as well. With 67% new visitors – people mainly from the west coast U.S. area so the people looking for something to go to will see you – and they will see you. Through the magazine I’ve unwillingly become a social networking whore, and because of that – you don’t need to, if you advertise you event or services with Big Top!

If you want to advertise your events, this is as inexpensive as it gets for some great, focused exposure.
If you want to advertise you business, Big Top is worldwide, and I work like a crazy Klown to ensure that it gets further and further. You won’t get personal attention like this anywhere else.

On that personal note, Big Top needs you in order to survive. Things are somewhat shaky right now, & I know better not to expect the luxuries of an apartment and the constant money that needs to be dumped into one – I simply want one simple inexpensive payment for a home that fits my lifestyle. The lifestyle that created Big Top Magazine and will keep it going in much more comfort than I am accustomed to, but still has the edge that impels me to keep making the mag better. (No rent, very small expenses, and I’ve done my research – it’s a simple transformation to change agasoline motor to Natural Gas for long travels…)

I know that many of you have paid a crapload of money to attend Burning Man this year, and honestly I wish I could have been there as well – but there are other things that are more important to me – like food, and keeping this site going. bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html visit this place, my kifesblood, to learn more – and be amazed! (Make certain that you visit the archives, my first interviews)

So back to it – promote your event, advertise, donate, promote the site in a big, continuous way – it’s up to you. I’ve finally found something that I can use to help people worldwide, and if you enjoy the site, if you want to help – please, please do – or tell your friends to! So many people have done amazing things for me, and I created a new life in order to give back to them – and others.

Thank you.
~ kSea

(P.S. purely for LJ – if you want to read me again, follow travels in a new home,and help me remember the way I used to write ( as many of you have mentioned recently that they missed) then this goes out to you, especially. The second I don’t worry about the immediacy of my current life and trying to make it happen, I just might find the words again… I do believe that’s inevitable. Once the pressure is off, I’ll be able to enjoy and write about the way the wind the laughs in the trees again… – with so much more…

quiet

There is a peace inside me, at least for now. I try to let the constant questions fade into nothing and trust that what I am being so wonderfully consumed by is the right thing to do, and I know it is, as there is no justification for not chasing down dreams – but life was so much simpler when everything was just day to day, I did what I could, and went on to the next day. Chose those smaller dreams that had so little impact. Just was me, a night performing here or there, kept it at that…

It’s different now. Drastically different. There is a goal which keeps stretching out into many others through the magazine and expanding, and Saturday night while talking to a friend at a fund-raiser about the event I produced, she paused, said that she just wants to see Big Top do as well as possible before I “go away” – wants to see me reach where I intend to go with it… or something to that effect.
I don’t remember her exact words… I didn’t think anyone thought about that but me, and it was somewhat disquieting. Before the magazine, in the intentional day to day life I lived before, each day was completed at the end, each morning new. Little contact people with people, I just survived as well as I could with the little I have, made few plans, kept to myself, and made certain that as little as possible would be left unfinished if anything happened and health started racing downhill.

That changed the day I officially launched the mag three and a half months ago. All of the sudden I could taste this dream, and while working on the second issue had the realization that it isn’t just a performance I rehearse for months and is over the night of the show. Big Top is nothing that I can really ever stop doing. Theoretically, sure – I can quit it anytime, go back to the days when I didn’t need to be concerned with leaving unfinished business – but that can’t be justified in any way. Already, just in it’s infancy, Big Top has been visited over 3,800 times by 58 countries, given me an amazing way to help countless others, and even won an award… a pretty decent beginning.

So now all I can do is fight like hell to make it better, and hopefully someday soon find a way to secure it’s future existence, just in case anything happens to me, so I can get rid of these thoughts that I thought I was the only one who considered, about when I eventually “go away”. Get a permanent rolling home so I will always have a place to create it from, a laptop that isn’t borrowed, that can handle the strenuous needs of all the applications and I won’t need to fear might need to be given back at any time, and after those things, a small permanent staff that would be able to perpetuate it.

Just a bit of security, so the thoughts of how to make it better, of how to have it make money, will stop circling over my head like vultures when I try to rest… just a real bed to rest on in a home that rolls anywhere I need to go, instead of the floor of this tiny Beast that is stuck in my friends driveway that I need to leave soon…

Just a few small things that would lift tons of weight off my shoulders, and let my spirit soar again. All the sudden it ain’t just one guy performing on the street and bringing smiles here and there –

I think I’m onto something with Big Top Magazine and all that it can do, the impact it could have, and the ways it could help – and I gots me some plans, baby – BIG ones!
Anyway, suprise suprise, Big Top could use your help, as it’s still just making it on a wing & a dream, and my plain old stubborness. Hells, if just the people who visited the site since July 1st only donated the cost of one cup of coffee or chai, I would actually be past the base goal set for a great start to get everything in motion! Please help in any way you can, even if it’s just posting the link to the site to all your friends so they can enjoy the magazine & perhaps donate, and in the meantime, I’ll keep working hard on the next issue of Big Top, which I am hoping to have done by the end of September. http://bigtopmagazine.com/insidejuly.html

Thank you all so very much for your love and support – I couldn’t do it without you!

Big Top Love,
~ kSea