The next issue of Big Top is coming SOON!

That’s right, me loverly and beautimous people, the new issue of Big Top has a planned release date of October 13th, and it’s going to be beautiful!

The biggest & best issue yet, with some of the most interesting interviews under the tent. On top of the usual features, there will be, in this one single beautiful issue, a whole bunch of something for everyone! After winning Best of the Bay after only two months in existence, I decided that I should probably earn that – and so here, in the next issue, you get:

AMANDA PALMER (of The Dresden Dolls) – an incredibly delightful intimate conversation

MYTHMAKER (from Vancouver) – a Mytho-Theatrical Sacred Circus, and an incredible interview with the founder, Hjeron

JILL TRACY, a beautiful conversation with the lovely woman herself, where we talk a bit about everything – truly a delight. "Jill Tracy creates an elegant netherworld both seductive and terrifying." ~ Clive Barker

THE UNDERGROUND CIRCUS, another incredible circus from Vancouver.

GOOFERMAN – an interview that only Boe could do. Friggin’ Klowns…

THE TONGUES, ZIRK UBU, DREAMTIME CIRCUS, and incredible costume, corsetry & couture designer KATHERINE CROWLEY!

Also, already up, a wonderful article by the lovely Rising – "Not Just Clowning Around", about the roles of clowns as much more than they appear to be. Truly inspirational.

TO POTENTIAL ADVERTISERS – this is the time to get in! I’ve created a limited amount of new advertising space on the site, and as a special incentive, there is a 20% discount if you purchase three or more months of advertising directly from me by Wednesday, October 8th! That’s right, 20% off three months or more, BUT YA BETTER HURRY!!

This issue is going to be promoted like mad, far more than the others were – even to the tune of getting the word out into the physical world with beautiful club-type fliers!
Since it’s launch and with only two issues out, the site has been visited 4,603 times by 69 countries/territories, and this issue is going to be the best yet, which means even more visits and more people finding out about you! For details please visit www.bigtopmagazine.com

The New Big Top is coming SOON!

(woohoo!)

Advertisement

over, and again…

I read past words and remember the freedom of the road. I read past words and perhaps remember too much – but I don’t need to remember the words I have written, I sill remember every single thing – I have learned not to hide my heart  – at least from me. http://ksea.livejournal.com/2005/09/28/

 

I remember far too much.

 

Backwards, forwards, I used to write well. In life and death, in the most immense pain & the greatest joy, I used to write well. I’ve forgotten myself in the need to create – the need to get a home that can take me anywhere I want to go…

I scream at this dream, anguish in coming back to the same place every night, the thing I live in anything but my home, stuck in a friends driveway, immobile.

 

Curse or blessing, I don’t know – but I believe that I am not meant to sit in one place for too long, as even the beautiful things I see on my walks lose their fascination over time…

 

Today was perfect – waking at 3am to a dear friend (and someone who is more valuable to me than I can describe to you), a beautiful conversation with the extraordinary Jill Tracy, then actually going out with Tank & Taylor to enjoy Nick Cave…

 

I know things will work out – they always do… and I trust, believe. There is a magick that comes with dreams… deep inside of my heart, you find my dreams…

The price of dreams…

Just confirmed that Jill Tracy will be in the next issue. I’m giddy with delight.
I’ve learned to meditate as hard as I work, or all I can think about is ending everything.
This borrowed computer was not built to do what I need it to. I need one that is – and I need a home.

I’m terrified to re-read some of my favorite books, because they influence my writing – and the way they influence it has no place in Big Top.
Some of you have been generous, and either donated or advertised. I’m letting some of you skate, too, and keep you up – but at the risk of sounding like an asshole, I remember things. This is a business, just like yours – the only difference is that I invest far more into it for almost nothing – for now.

Time is very short, but I know I will be able to find a new home (aka RV/motor home) in the three weeks that I have to find one – I truly believe that. If I didn’t I would just curl up, go away, quit bothering you.

Without question, I need your help now. Right now. I have a bit of money saved, but it dwindles with every phone interview I do, and transportation to local interviews. I’m doing what I feel is right, as well as I have found – and I really need some financial support NOW. Soon Big Top will be able to take care of itself, but this is immediate and I can’t trust it to grow so much in such a short time.

Yeah, people love it. So do I. It is truly the only publication of its kind. Please read the ‘Founders Note’ on the forst page, and support it. I will continue to give you everything I have, like I have since this dream was realized.

It’s simple – please donate anything you can. As much as you can. Advertise. Support this final dream, as this is the dream that changes the world – or fizzles into nothingness. Trust me, I’m working my fucking ass off – this is just one of the frequent times that I feel that it’s not worth it. Somehow though, I know it is.

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

If you dig what I’m doing, this is the time to show it. Donate, or if you don’t think it’s worth the cost of a day at a bar, send this plea out to all of your friends. This is a very critical time – and if you help me make it though this, it will be justified. Regrets for only having the magazine to give you, but I don’t have anything else but my dreams at this point…

Please help. http://www.bigtopmagazine.com
http://www.myspace.com/big_top_magazine

Only if you like it, of course – or have been publicized in the magazine, or advertised for free, or enjoyed it, just a bit… only if you think what I am doing is worth it.

Apologies for this fatalistic diatribe – but I’m weary, frightened, and – and I need your help, now. Enough people donating  small amount would change everything. Big Top is going through growing pains, and I can’t even afford the phone bill for interviews right now.

Time to rest.

The next issue of Big Top is coming soon!

Going a bit crazy with interviews and a new re-design of the site, and man, the next issue is going to be friggin’ BEAUTIFUL!
Just a taste of what you can expect in just a couple weeks:

Interviews with:
*The Underground Circus (Canada)
*Mythmaker Sacred Theater Circus (Canada)
Dreamtime Circus (very recently returned from India)
Zirk Ubu (San Diego)
*Gooferman – Kings of Klown-fi
*Amanda Palmer (of The Dresden Dolls – an intimate conversation. It took two months to schedule a 1/2 hour with her, but I got it!
Jill Tracy (San Francisco’s First Lady of Melancholia) (still in hopes of getting her scheduled – it’s looking good!)
The Tongues (not just for stamps anymore)

(* – interviews done. Still need to have transcribed, re-edit, find, download & re-size photos and create the pages on the site for.)

and even MORE! (workworkworkworkwork – woohoo!)

In the meantime, check out Risings’ article "Not Just Clowning Around" in the features section!

Big Top is kicking ass, yo.

www.bigtopmagazine.com

And if ya can, please help me get my sore ass into an actual running vehicle/home – time is running out, and I need to be out of this situation in only a few weeks!
(Read the ‘Founders Note’ on the first page for further details.)

Thanks!

In climbing back to grace…

I fall into dreams.
I have sold my soul to images
willingly, with an unquenchable thirst.

I have tasted dreams, savored their flavor
and there is no separation,
nothing that can ever compare
pretending that there ever was
a choice.

I am only me, nothing, everything.

Everything, my dreams.
Because of them I am drawn, quartered –
Everything, my dreams, dripping in my soul.

There is no sweeter pain.

No time for poetry,

no time for metaphor.

First of all, the next issue of Big Top will be the best ever, and it continues to grow! But now, I ask…

I’ve been living in this insanely uncomfortable Beast since the start of this magazine, and have just received word that it is time to go by the middle of October – (actually, it was a long time ago in my books.) Every second has been worth the pain, but now, it needs to change. I need a proper place to create Big Top in.

I have one month to figure my living situation out, and I know what I want – I can afford an RV that gives me room to stand upright, and a table to comfortably construct the magazine – is that too much to ask?

I prefer not to sound desperate, but at this point, honestly, I am. Big Top needs your help. I need your help, still.

I understand that this is the worst time to ask for monetary assistance – but perhaps, this is the best time as well. A time where there is something to believe in. The world is changing. Big Top is doing what it can to help that change along…

Please help. I’m not foolish enough to ask for an apartment, I only want a home that can be bought for less than rent & deposit. A Motorhome, for this perpetual vagabond with huge dreams made real. 

If you have a few dollars to spare, I could use them, and use them well. For the first time, I have something to give back. Big top has been visited 4,222 times by 65 countries/territories since its launch in May – which just goes to show in these four months how much impact it may have had.

If you have the inclination to help, all I need is $41 from 150 people, (for my 41st birthday) or even $100 from 40 people – or advertise and help us both!

To donate through paypal, you can do it through ksea@bigtopmagazine.com
To advertise on the site – go to bigtopmagazine.com.

Please help. I’m doing everything I can, but this one person ain’t enough in such a short time period. I need you now – please.

I don’t like needing to write this – loathe it – but yeah, at this point in time, I bow my head, swallow my pride, and ask you for help.

Please don’t hesitate to copy this and post it everywhere – it’s much easier for you to post than it is for me to ask. Please do.

Thank you.

Swimming in this dream,
drowning.
Learning to fly without breath, learning
to fly beyond the Sea,
or deeper into it, breathing against all odds.

Suffocating in my dreams
knowing more life than I ever have been
learning more than I ever have known
and though I feel stronger,
there is a perpetual weakness,
a perpetual desperation that I will never admit.

I’ve given myself to what I am consumed by
a dream
truth,

belief.

Belief, for now, in you.

this is the day.

the day of solitude and bourbon.

Does She remember me? I don’t even know if She is still alive – and She is my only Mother. Lifeblood. The one who created me.

I have never known her – but I fight like hell in the hopes that one day I will meet her, and she will be proud of me, and what I have done. What I am doing.

41 years ago a stranger gave birth to me. A stranger whose blood is the only blood I come from. If She’s anything like her son… She will still be fighting.
If She is anything like me, we will find each other.

She is my Mother. She must be strong…

from the depths…

A very, very dear friend of mine asks me to teach her how to ride again.  She knows how, I trust her – we have talked. I know she know knows how to ride – it’s just been a while.
I adore her husband, but as wonderful as he is, he doesn’t know motorcycles. I think. Maye he he is just one of the rare few…

I do know motorcycles. I know the danger. I thrived on it – and will, hopefully, again.

In our email exchange I promised her I would be one hell of a heartfull chase car, and not be kind at all.

then I remembered all of the people I have known, who have died riding.

There is nothing that can keep me from getting back on a bike, and eventually I will – but she brought up all of the tears that I didn’t cry before, in fear for another loss…

There is nothing as sacred as a good ride. All the friends I have known have died like they wanted to – on their bike, loving every second until the last.

I don’t want any of my friends to die before me – but they have, and most of them have been happy in that final second…

Funny thing is that I got her bike running. Fuck it – perpetual chase car.

perpetually, the fool

Working hard on sponsorship for the tour.
Working incessantly on dreams
Birthday comes in a few hours

I’ll be 41, just a number away from the fictional answer.

I hate to admit it, but I need you.

Gods, it would be so much easier without dreams.

Down to the wire…

and though I don’t know if the wire is meant to strangle or dance on…

I choose to dance, and breathe when I can. My requests have transcended the previous shame – they aren’t about me anymore.

I don’t dance with words this time, just lay it out. I need you. NOW.  http://www.bigtopmagazine.com –

Yeah, I was foolish to take this all on myself – but that is the only choice I had.

Please reade the "Founders Note" – and donate – something, anything…

I do literally have $440ish dollars, but that is solely for Big Top – not for me, not for food, not for anything but a new home and computer that can handle the site. I don’t fuck around with dreams – and this is far more than the simple want.

Find how you can donate here, in the Founders Note, first page – http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

I need your help right now, and time is immediate.

Don’t think I only depend on you, though you are my lifeblood – I work like hell in other areas that pay me – or just help. Truly though, I primarily depend on you, and the Big Top campaign.

Fuck. hot.  no more – books and thoughts aren’t as stained by sweat.

I WANT something like this, and time is very, very critical… http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/rvs/818458361.html

and I go.

Friday is my friggin' Birthday!

…so Saturday, come out and play!

No time to plan anything extraordinary due to getting the next issue of Big Top together and putting together future endeavors, so I’m just keeping it simple – Zeitgeist! Come on out for some drinks, revelry, and general mayhem before I dive back into the magazine and all it is becoming again – I truly would love to see you, laugh, and play!

Zeitgeist, Valencia @ Duboce, S.F. – starting at around 2:00pm

AND (yeah, you *knew* this was coming!) if you happen not to be able to make it but still want to celebrate my 41st trip around the Sun – as well as the fact that, against all odds, I actually made it here – you can! I’m still working hard to make Big Top better, and the immidiate thing that involves is a better living situation & my own actual computer. For the cost of just a few drinks on any given night you can help!
If only a small number of people donate $41 to Big Top (for my 41st b-day) then I will be well on my way! 150 people, $41 – tiny expense to you, but it would ROCK the Top, baby! (It’s also Big Top’s 4 month anniversary!)

Come on out and play, I would love to see you in all three dimensions!

– or sacrifice a few drinks or eight-ish cups of coffee, and honor my existence (and Big Tops existence) by helping for my B-Day! For more details on how you can help, go here bigtopmagazine.com/index.html

Love ya all, and I hope to see you!

~ kSea

Friday is my friggin' Birthday!

…so Saturday, come out and play!

No time to plan anything extraordinary due to getting the next issue of Big Top together and putting together future endeavors, so I’m just keeping it simple – Zeitgeist! Come on out for some drinks, revelry, and general mayhem before I dive back into the magazine and all it is becoming again – I truly would love to see you, laugh, and play!

Zeitgeist, Valencia @ Duboce, S.F. – starting at around 2:00pm

AND (yeah, you *knew* this was coming!) if you happen not to be able to make it but still want to celebrate my 41st trip around the Sun – as well as the fact that, against all odds, I actually made it here – you can! I’m still working hard to make Big Top better, and the immidiate thing that involves is a better living situation & my own actual computer. For the cost of just a few drinks on any given night you can help!
If only a small number of people donate $41 to Big Top (for my 41st b-day) then I will be well on my way! 150 people, $41 – tiny expense to you, but it would ROCK the Top, baby! (It’s also Big Top’s 4 month anniversary!)

Come on out and play, I would love to see you in all three dimensions!

– or sacrifice a few drinks or eight-ish cups of coffee, and honor my existence (and Big Tops existence) by helping for my B-Day! For more details on how you can help, go here bigtopmagazine.com/index.html

Love ya all, and I hope to see you!

~ kSea