everything, gone… still I fight.

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Recession? HA!

Only for those who have invested in this cuntry.

No. I am not proud – but I believe that I just might be soon, as we elect our first warrior.

hello, hooray, let the games begin, I’ve been waiting. This is the time we’ve waited for…

The artists,dreamers, wanderers in search of a new world.

This is the time we have waited for, sacrificed everything for.

We will soon be able to be proud, but it will take hard work, and I know he can do it…
I Know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These dreams have been built on speculation, built
on nothing.

My heart seethes with what could be, satiates the thirst it has surviving through so many empty promises…

and Big Top will continue and have a glorious life.

I just might pass soon, but I have two others that I believe will carry this on. It is needed…

Fri, October 31, 2008 – 11:13 PM — permalink0 commentsadd a comment
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straight up. part deux

I need some friggin’ help. Eight days until I’m sleeping on sidewalks again.
Not asking for more that three months of cafe’ coffee wouldn’t cover –

and I would never ask for anything that isn’t desperately needed. Have you ever slept on a park bench?

I have. And beaches, in vans, outside of everything common day.

I am weary of asking for couches, far beyond what you can believe.

I’m fighting for this, and sinking too fast into these depths. I need hope, need air.

Every tick, every second, resounds inside of me, the gallows song…

Straight up, help big. give to art, sacrifice close to nothing,


Fri, October 31, 2008 – 9:40 PM — permalink0 commentsadd a comment
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Straight up… Part one.

I find myself far to overwhelmed with appreciation and love to respond personally to the posts that followed mine in the previous….um… post.
(WORDS! Where the fuck did they GO!???)

…but thank you. All of you, from everything that you have helped me become.

I don’t prefer to call it fighting, as it’s only a game. A sacred game if you’ll indulge me, but still, only a game.

The best one I have ever tried to win.

and I will.

Fri, October 31, 2008 – 9:03

Black Jack

the cards have been dealt.

21 years, ace and a face.

For 21 years, every second I expected death. Waited, still waiting with every breath. For the few who know, for everyone that doesen’t…

I’ve been HIV + for 21 years now, recently diagnosed with Advanced Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome – aka

But here I am – fuck you, my dreams won this gamble. It takes much more than this shit to kill me.
I’m winning this fucking hand
an ace in the hole

Blackjack, motherfuckers.

It’s all a game, and I’m not dead yet, so that means

I’m winning?

Give me one month, or two, or three – not feeling so hot these days
Give me one year, or two, or three – I just might surprise you.
Give me one thing that I can hold onto
Just give me that one perfect day.

I will continue to cherish this life, the days, months or years left
and return the beauty you offer
to the world…


Don’t forget how sacred every fucking second is.
Cherish this life…

dream wisely…

in beauty, in misplaced trust.

Worshiped in those who gave this life.

never doubt that I love you with all of I have.

the only stars are you, I look up to the sky and thank you…

but now weary. Choose your dreams wisely… that is what I have learned.

 – and though this feels like an epitaph, I’ve been the Phoenix before…

where everything

the days where everything is so precise and so fragile
all efforts come straight from the soul
dreaming as large as we believe life could be, and
all screams fall on deaf ears.

waiting for that last piece of the puzzle
looking for what has been cut out of us
in so many different ways
wanting to believe again
let loose

let loose this death grip
knowing that the life we’ve dreamed of
seduces us in it’s thirst for us to find it
just on the other side of our walls, screaming…

screaming for us to set who we are free.

magnetic attraction…

giving myself the beautiful gift of listening to the Magnetic Fields again.

You were singing, I was trying to, driving the Mission. I was laughing, you looked worried…

This time it is something much more than the fuel tank that is running on empty.

Always an adventure, ain’t it?

We keep singing, and nothing matters

when we’re dancing…

Dancing as hard as I can, my old friend…

this time, I’m worried.

everything but…

"Damn everything but the circus! …damn everything that is grim, dull, motionless, unrisking, inward turning, damn everything that won’t get into the circle, that won’t enjoy, that won’t throw its heart into the tension, surprise, fear and delight of the circus, the round world, the full existence…" — E.E. Cummings

damn needing to live this way. There is no cure once you’ve been tainted by this sacrificial beauty, this insatiable desire that manifests itself in each so differently, with only one common factor –

this is all we can be.
It is not by choice.

Regardless of how we’ve found ourselves, whether from the first moment or a false lifetime searching and finally finding,

it all ends up the same.

There is no escape from who we have become, these strange apparitions who have transcended the security of this physical world, and who have become the ghosts of inspiration in yours.

We hunger.
We thirst.
We desire with such a profound passion…

but only with what we want to give to you. We would be empty without you.

This is what I have learned in giving life to these words, and being the perfect fool – the fool where people trust in, and offer their words…

We’ve entered the circle, and this circle is the one of the artists, the teachers, the dreamers, and of course – the fools.
This circle does not constrict, has no limits, bounds or bonds – but once you’re here, you know that you belong, that everything you have sacrificed finally makes sense, and in this circle

you have found your family.

I have found my family.

In being so blessed to talk to those who grace this dream with their words, I find that I am not alone.
Admittedly, I thought I was, for almost all of my life until only a few months ago…

We all struggle. We all have a dream that we will sacrifice everything for. Some of the people that I have talked to I thought ‘had it made’ – but perhaps they are just simply much better at creating the illusion of ease – or wording the lyrics of their sons do beautifully that unless you’re there, it is only a beautiful song.

The people I have been blessed by are, honestly, illusionists. They do what they need to do, create in their art the purest beauty (dark or light) of their soul, and know how to pretend that everything is groovy, baby. This is for the world to see.

I’m just me… I don’t know how to be behind the curtain anymore – a long story there… but after long story, I started writing – really writing – or better said, vomiting words.

Published, but I’m not a writer anymore – I just write.

Whoooah. I think that this is becoming blather – if you’re so graceful not to think it started that way.

Time to stop.

By the way, http://www.bigtopmagazine.com

You will understand these words a bit better by reading that.

READING, you fuckers. Take your time – they’re worth it.



Hello my loverly LJ community, it’s been quite a while! I’ve been insanely busy these days working my ass off on my new project, which essentially takes ALL of my time, because except for the transcribing of the interviews, I’m the guy behind the curtain who is doing everything – and gods, I love it.
The new issue  is coming out VERY soon, and I’ve already started contacting people for the issue after this – fighting like hell to make this dream happen, and it is – it really is! After only three months in existence it won the "Best of The Bay award from the nations oldest weekly, the SF Guardian, and continues to get better and better – and now it needs to start making some money!

There are special advertising deals for this issue, and if you don’t have anything to advertise, Big Top could still really use any help you can offer in donations. The whole thing was created while essentially homeless, and I’m a couple days away from being even more homeless, doing the couch surfing thing until I have the scratch to purchase a decent, running RV – as I need to get the non-running psuedo-RV that I’ve been living in out of my friends driveway and get rid of it…

So, that being said, please help if you can – and on with the fanfare!


Big Top Magazine is coming to YOU!


This issue is going to be phenomenal, including interviews with:

Amanda Palmer (Dresden Dolls), an intimate conversation that differs from those ‘other’ magazines,


Jill Tracy "San Francisco’s First Lady of Melancholia", a two hour conversation that touches on everything you want to know about our exquisite chanteuse,


Dreamtime Circus, who just returned from India with beautiful stories to tell about their experiences there,


Mythmaker (“Mythic Fire Ritual Sacred Stilt Circus”) from Canada, bringing the storytelling of the ancients into their performances,


Boenobo of Gooferman, the Kings of Klown-Fi – a high-larious conversation,


Kathleen Crowley, Clothes & Costume designer extraordinaire, whose creations have adorned Fat Chance Belly Dance, Rachel Brice, & Samantha Hasthorpe of the Belly Dance Super Stars, just to name a few – (as well as Jill Tracy!),


…and so much more! (Yeah, I’m workin’ my ass off!)


With this issue reaching an estimated 60,000 viewers worldwide (YES, 60,000,based on the close following those above have in their social networks, as well as 2,500 beautiful, full color fliers promoting this issue spread all around the Bay Area, and more marketing of all imaginable kinds:


NOW is the time to advertise with Big Top Magazine (and help us both!)


The PERFECT place to advertise for:

Clothes & Costume Designers

Bands & Musicians

Jewelry Makers & Designers


Body Workers

Fire Tool & Toy Makers

Custom Anything Makers

Stilt Makers

Makeup Artists

Audio & Video Engineers


Visual Artists

Dance Troupes of all kinds,

And anything else you can think of!


To top it off, there is a super special discount for you if you rent three months of ad space or more – but hurry! For details please visit http://bigtopmagazine.com/Advertising/advertise.html


But WAIT, there’s MORE! (I’ve always wanted to say that)

Get you advertising graphic into Big Top soon, and you get the rest of October for FREE, as well as getting to change your ad graphic monthly, if you desire. Great for seasonal sales!


Why, you ask, do I offer such a combination of incredible savings? Because Big Top is growing faster than I can keep up with it, and so far it’s been pretty much a one person operation, (save for the incredible help of my volunteer transcribers) – and I’m not to proud to ask for YOUR help to assist Big Top in achieving that next step – becoming what it can and should be as the best & ONLY Indie Circus Culture & Arts Magazine in the WORLD! (Already visited by 69 countries/territories!)


So get your advertising in soon – only THREE days until the next issue! http://bigtopmagazine.com/Advertising/advertise.html
ere is


Thanks, and tons of Big Top love,


~ kSea flux


Please feel free to forward this wherever you wish!

Worth everything… everything.

One of the first things she said in the conversation is what this song meant to her and how she felt it reflected me. The struggle to be who we are, to believe in our dreams, to have the courage to shine – against all odds and internal battles.

There is nothing more sacred to me than realizing dreams, and without question, that is why I fight so hard for them. It took me a long time to be myself, to realize myself, and in these words that Jill Tracy writes, it is said purely – once you find that point, once you have just a taste, once you realize that you cannot be anything else…

there is no turning back. The world needs dreamers…

Jill Tracy – ‘Can’t Shake It’

No medicine for this malady
No snake oil, no gris gris
There’s no magic potion, no afterglow
No backstage exit
To some secret show

And I’m screaming at these four walls
Shivering at the thought

That I just can’t shake it baby
Because the words intoxicate me
I won’t surrender from this state I’m in
Held guilty of magnificent sin
Because I just can’t shake it baby

No sanctuary, no antidote
No saving grace, no Holy Ghost
There’s no diamond powder, no parlour trick
No bloodletting, this one cuts to the quick

And I’m screaming at these four walls
Shivering from it all

And I just can’t shake it baby
Because the words intoxicate me
I won’t surrender from this state I’m in
Held guilty of magnificent sin

No I just won’t let it freeze beneath my fingertips
No I just won’t let it disappear inside of my head
I’m drowning in these words nobody’s ever heard
Sinking so fast, I’m never coming back

And I just can’t shake it baby
‘Cause there’s no cure today

No I won’t just let it freeze beneath my fingertips
No I just won’t let it disappear inside of my head
I’m drowning in these words nobody’s ever heard
Gathering clouds, I’m never coming down

But I could be good, if you just let me
This big white lite shining down
On me