just getting shit out here before I let it go everywhere else. things are not good, not good at all – but I’m fighting like hell to make them better…

until the last drop…

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and then, again…

fuggin’ hell, never thought I would loose so much in others voices to need to fight so hard to work back to my own words. I have never sacrificed so much.

I have never had a reason to. Not a reason as hard and warm as this one…

Something I need to say in the beginning of this journal (as it sickens me to call it a ‘blog’) is that I never knew what I was getting into – I seldom do, but this thing, this magazine – holy fuck. (and yes, fuck is purely holy.)

Obviously, I am not conscious yet. Don’t think I have been for months – but that is changing…
I created a dream from the ether, a nightmare from the dream. There is not a day that goes by that I am completely enraptured by big top for one moment, and want to shut the whole fucking thing down the next…

but this goddamned magazine, as much as it has sucked me dry… I fucking love it to no end.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to write about creating a magazine while on a borrowed computer, growing more homeless every day,
stories that no one wants to hear, until there is some sort of triumph… maybe someday.

Working on it.

With fever, love, and fervor, it begins… again.

He looks for the legs to stand on again, the support he once knew in the words he wrote. That is, after all is said and done, all he has to offer, the only thing that might last…

I’m coming back.

There is a new adventure in the wings, in the feathers of this fucked up story, and this writing is only learning that again, knowing the freedom – I need too, as I have somehow found and lost me in the same amount of time. What do you get when you sacrifice everything for a foolish fucking dream?

Ever the fool, I bow to none – but I welcome you with all of my heart, if you give me the same.

time to try to sleep.

Big Top is getting BIGGER, baby!

Big Top is in crazy high gear, and things are rocking!

In case you missed the last bulletin, here are the key points:

>BEAUTIFUL, completely re-designed website in the works for the next issue, with TONS of more fun stuff!

>Big Top is going on a wandering road trip, hitting wherever I feel – think New Orleans via the Northwest, Colorado, L.A., Austin, wherever the wind blows me, meeting and interviewing everyone I can get my hands on along the way, as well as a running blog on the site new site of the extraordinary adventure!
***Keep posted on www.bigtopmagazine.com for dates & details! I plan on hitting the road within two months, and I will be offering rides on this wacky route in the Big Top Mobile!***  (Whatever that turns out to be.)

>A Big Top Productions tour in the works for next year, based on REVOLUTION. bigtopmagazine.com/Sights/Sights.html

Yes, things are exploding in a glorious way – and NOW is the time for you to advertise! (You knew that was coming, didn’t you?)

We’ve been running an insane special on advertising, and I decided to extend the deadline for it until THIS COMING MONDAY, MIDNIGHT – so hurry! IF you make the deadline, you will receive a $50 discount on any space rental of $200 or more – up to 25%off our already low prices!
Since it’s launch just in May of this year, Big Top has already won the ‘Best of the Bay’ award from the SF Guardian, and been visited by 78 countries/territories, and we’re just getting started – take advantage of it!

The perfect place to advertise for:

Clothes & Costume Designers
Bands & Musicians
Performers
Jewelry Designers
Body Workers
Fire Tool & Toy Makers
Independent Shops & Stores
Stilt Makers
Audio & Video Engineers
Photographers
Visual Artists
Dance Troupes of all kinds,
And anything else you can think of!

Time is running out, and I don’t want you to miss out on this special – so if you’re going to act, act now!

For more details please visit
bigtopmagazine.com/Promote/…tion.html

Once again, $50 off any adspace rental of $200 or more – but only until this Monday at Midnight, so hurry!

***If you don’t have anything to advertise but you would like to help support all the beautiful things happening with Big Top (and pitch in for the motor-home that will be our tour bus, all re-designed as an old circus wagon on the inside, of course), Big Top will be eternally grateful for that as well – and if we come through your town, on either tour, we’ll be sure to swing by & say hi – as well as offer you a spot on the guest list if it’s the show tour! Thank you all so much for helping this dream come true… ~ kSea

I look forward to hearing from you soon – and Big Top love to ya!

www.bigtopmagazine.com

previous

In reply…

Sent to a dear friend that I was unable to meet today…

~ ~ ~

I’ve already vaguely told you of the sacrifices made for this. Only vaguely.

You have no idea how much I would love to escape it all, at least for one day, and dance around the streets with you, smile with you, kiss you and let you know that everything will be alright…

But unless I were doing this right now, the promise that everything would be alright would be nothing more than a lie.

I’ve come to the understanding that, sometimes, fighting for your life just might mean giving it all up, at least briefly.

I am no longer the one to sit at the beginning of the fucking rainbow looking for what might happen, looking for the end, the elusive pot of gold…

ya know what? I never want to find that pot of gold. I never want to find the end of the rainbow, never want to stop dreaming – but sure as hell, I won’t be content to sit at the beginning, either. I choose to do nothing less than ride the top, dancing high among the wolf cries that wrap around the moon, and being able to see the emptiness that I came from but never finding
just another bottom,
however much gold I might find there. Where do you go from there?

I’m doing my best to climb that rainbow, and as I’m sure you know, it isn’t fucking easy – but I’ll get there, and do everything in my power to give you a hand up…

It’s only these todays that I need both hands to desperately grasp hold to it so I don’t slip back down giving up that last hope,
and in those final tears, wish I could have done more for us…

Today is fucking beautiful, even if it might seem like we need to wait until tomorrow for it…

I’ll keep climbing, and somehow, I will always make certain there is a hand free to help you along.

forever a child

He grew up in a beautiful place, surfing every day possible before and after school, learning the secrets of the Sea. After only a short while he could read the magick of Blacks – knew when the swells were coming in, knew how to hold his breath for a seemingly unreal amount of time, and not fight in the best waves of SoCal. (The Storm of ’84 took NorthPier away)

He was told that he could swim strong before he could even walk. Never knowing his own mother, he found one in the Sea – and gives all that he can back to her, for all that she has given him.  She is the one that taught him

to survive
learn to enjoy our game
learn to enjoy being tossed,
open you eyes in the underneath
and just be there.

She always cared for him
once he learned not to fight
She taught him my things I only recently remembered
that a life built on dreams at deaths door
can carry you further than ever expected…

He is forever a child of the Sea
but knowing the Sea
finally knowing his mother, and
through tears of pain
he knows that he will probably never find the one
who gave birth to him…

but if it is any consolation, if she ever finds this
I wanted to know you. I have found me, and
I think that you have created an amazing person.
For that, and for your sacrifice, I love you…
I just wish I could have shared me with you, given something back.

I don’t hold high hopes in finding you, but fuck – I’ve tried, and I will again – if only to find your grave.

Such is life. I’m doing what I can to make you proud of this boy…  your child…

but for now and ever, I am a child of the Sea…

Back to who I once was…

My head is swimming with all that is happening behind the pages of Big Top – and it is truly magnificent. Here’s just a taste of what is actually happening or in high gear for planning right now:

1) An absolutely beautiful, completely re-designed site, shades better and more professional than the current one that I learned how do build a site on – the coming site is being done by a bona-fide PROFESSIONAL, who fell in love with the idea, believes in this crazy dream that I can’t let go, and has been working her ass off in creating a much more user-friendly site for Big Top. I just had my first peek at it yesterday, and gadzooks, you’re in for a special treat!

2) Big Top is hitting the road, baby! The final destination will be New Orleans, but I’ll be damned if I’m taking the shortest way there. My intention is to wander, finding amazing people, acts, bands, dancers, and all sorts of things along the way. I’m even planning on breaking out my busking gear again, as I desperately miss the streets, and performing.
 For those of you who have known me for a number of years know that I once could write – or at least, write well. (You said so – that’s how I know…). For those of you who are new to me, here’s a taste…
 http://ksea.livejournal.com/2005/09/09/  read forwards or back…)

There is a knowledge inside of me that the road is all I need to come back to that peace where I could just simply write… escape all of the walls that suck me dry and go. The adventure will be blogged and documented in photographs on the Big Top site, as frequently as possible. Coming back to the Vagabond Extraordinaire. Things have become stagnant – I need the road.

3) Planning a tour – not a road trip, a production. Still in it’s infancy, but based on REVOLUTION, a show I put on in August. Dig the images in the ‘Sights’ section of the magazine. My vision is to have a small group of the most phenomenal performers traveling with, and incorporate the best local acts of every city we visit into the shows.

I created this magazine out of need. Something that couldn’t be left undone.
Once, only a few years ago, I was that guy who had huge dreams, but sacrificed all of them for a small bit of "comfort" for something solid that made me shitloads of money at times, but left my soul empty…

I only pretended to be alive then.

Now, each breath is laced with wonder and love. This is where I need to be – it is the only me that I know anymore, the only me that I will accept…

Big Top is kicking ass, but still needs your support. Please help. Advertise or just simply donate.
It’s time to roll…

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com