and then, again…

fuggin’ hell, never thought I would loose so much in others voices to need to fight so hard to work back to my own words. I have never sacrificed so much.

I have never had a reason to. Not a reason as hard and warm as this one…

Something I need to say in the beginning of this journal (as it sickens me to call it a ‘blog’) is that I never knew what I was getting into – I seldom do, but this thing, this magazine – holy fuck. (and yes, fuck is purely holy.)

Obviously, I am not conscious yet. Don’t think I have been for months – but that is changing…
I created a dream from the ether, a nightmare from the dream. There is not a day that goes by that I am completely enraptured by big top for one moment, and want to shut the whole fucking thing down the next…

but this goddamned magazine, as much as it has sucked me dry… I fucking love it to no end.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to write about creating a magazine while on a borrowed computer, growing more homeless every day,
stories that no one wants to hear, until there is some sort of triumph… maybe someday.

Working on it.

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