RV Chronicles 1/29/09

I like this motor-home much better than the last, and definitely much better than The Beast. It needs some work, of course, but in many ways I’m simply fortunate to have it. Something of my own to sleep in, something that runs and drives in order to keep moving every couple of days & avoid the incessant thirst that the parking enforcement has. So far, I’ve done well – not one ticket. (Looks for wood to knock on… does wood paneling count?)

It has a working stove & oven, so I finally have the luxury of a hot meal whenever I wish – something that I never thought I would have appreciated as much as when they weren’t available. Ah, the things we don’t even know that we take for granted. Lesson learned.
It’s a strange existence; in some ways it feels like a non-existence. It’s been so incredibly long that I had a true home – you know , something with a front door and an entrance off the sidewalk, different rooms, a shower – all of that fancy stuff… yeah, sometimes, I really miss that, more than I would like to admit…

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I have sincere hopes that soon the new site for the magazine will be up, and from there things will change for the better – but right now, everything is done as well as it can be, day by day, and all I really have is hope. But it gets thin at times. Dreadfully thin. [Last night after writing this I went further down than I have been in years]

There used to be a time where when falling asleep I could envision where I wanted to be in an amount of time, what I wanted to accomplish, the things that would be happening – and then, I truly believed them. Now, I can’t even get a clear picture in my head of what to envision, though gods know, I’ve tried countless times. The visions are thin, as insubstantial as this life seems to be right now, wandering from the motor-home to the café every day to try to work, trying to find the words again to write like I used to – but this is a stagnant existence it seems right now. The wheels are spinning but I’m going nowhere, stuck in the slippery mud of an existence that I fight every day to believe in. Every fucking day the same thing, over & over, and I’m getting nowhere…

I know things will change – I know they will – but right now, it takes everything I have to keep going, dance this dance, and see where it will take me.

I must keep dancing… but sometimes, I just want to sit this one out.

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Need to get the site up. Need something to bring in money. Need a computer that isn’t borrowed. Need to get on the road…
and really need a shower.