Until then, Unannounced

The wind has died down, sadly. It was beautiful while it lasted though. blew everything away. the world the leaves so much life so much energy…

Up at 3am, the third night without restful sleep. The first night I just wasn’t tired, so I only tried to sleep, read, tried to sleep, read, tried, stopped trying…

but now it’s the dreams.

I get to that stage of almost asleep, and the dreams begin; the most disturbing ones I remember in recent times, since I was a child & had that one, over & over – but these are different. Much different.

Last night it was the teeth, my teeth, crumbling, falling out and they kept coming, crumbling, filling my mouthas I tried to keep spitting them out, not being able to talk, like there was a shattered cue ball in my mouth and the more I tried to get them out the more they came, crushing each other, falling, spitting, spitting… but that one makes sense, that dream, as my teeth are crumbling and falling out. First the two front on the bottom, a month apart if that, then the other day whatlooked like a perfectly good tooth snapped off at the gumline, biting into a bagel and hear the sound of a wet twig snapping, not a crisp snap but somewhat muffled, then tinktink and my tooth was on the plate… fuck. just to the left of the front two, making my smile hideous, embarrassing, shameful – disgusting.

I tried to have them fixed, years ago when I was making money, saved money – gum disease from years of meth and I tried, I knew, but I didn;t have enough for the surgery I needed, would never be able to save that much – and then just the past year they all start going, year and a half, and I have trouble looking at myself, trouble smiling, won’t show my teeth if I remember and finally now that it’s far too late I qualify for free dental work. now that it’s far, far too late. It’s just a matter of time before the rest go I think – I have a dentist appointment set up for a couple weeks from now, set up one day before the last tooth snapped off…

But the dreams… tonight there were a few, I only remember a family, I knew them, didn’t know them but only in the dream, young boy older sister 7 or 8 mom & dad, they were in two dreams, maybe three but two I can almost remember, the girl bringing the half dead cat into the room, run over, trying to feed it, & another flat cat, all except the head crushed, she did it on purpose, was bad, called her mom in th room to show her. Look, see? look what I did, surprise, surprise for you… ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ pieces of dreams, the next one mom has head held on by an elaborate circular apparatus made of sticks tied together, from shoulders up like a flying saucer <> but she was standinfg there as Mr. & I walk in the door, asks us to be careful we notice her head a thin red line from the middle of the back of the skull going down to the front of the neck but not careful enough and the sticks break her half-head slides off onto the floor & keeps moving, keeps rolling and we’re trying not to step on it but it’s like it’s trying to get under our feet and she’s still talking, kind of, telling us to be careful to not step on her head… others, more, that’s all I remember.

I’m hoping that when I am done writing I’ll be able to sleep. I’m so tired…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I need to keep writing but you don;t need to see it, post it, you don;t need to know but if you happen this way, well… strange how I don;t write because I’m afraid to, I need to write to get better again to write better again but I don;t write because I need to write better before I do. I don’t like the feeling, thinking I used to write well and not having that anymore. Forgetting how because there is nothing new to write, but I need to keep writing, every day again, I just don;t need to announce it.

It lets me feel less alone, even if no one sees. I have my words, my friends are my words and the words give me purpose, a reason, a validation. I look at them and they prove I exist. I write them & they remind me I’m here, I feel, that yes, yes this is real and look I’ll prove it because it was me who wrote them, alone, lonely, in my motorhome or wherever and I look at them and even if it’s shit they are my friends and they tell me “I exist”  when I’m not sure I do or I’m not sure why. Now, everyday, so the wind doesn’t blow my words away. When I think I’m writing well enough to be read again, I’ll  let you know, but until then you’ll only be coming here accidentally.

Until then, I will keep writing unannounced.

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One response to “Until then, Unannounced

  1. Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian, iwspo.net

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