the silence of growth

Silence. Messages, emails, texts about something very important to me left unreplied to by him. I didn’t know what to think. I don’t know where that place is inside of me that is able to look rationally at these particular non-actions of another and justify it in their benefit; not wonder what I had done wrong, why I deserved this… as there must be a reason. Right? Still, there was nothing but silence. Silence, confusion, and hurt, from someone who at one time I deeply respected, at one time very recently considered a good friend.

There is absolutely nothing worse that he could have done. To me, there is nothing worse at all – without a doubt my largest issue, stemming back to before even conscious thought, when, at three months my birth-mother gave me away – and everything I knew, every bit of security, my entire world, and everything that I loved – was gone, and I couldn’t ask why. I couldn’t ask what I did to make her go away…

All I wanted, at least, was something, anything letting me know why. Respectful people don’t act like this. Graceful people don’t leave the other end of questions empty, without even so much as an “I’m busy”, “you fucked up” or… or anything. For days, weeks, I played out over and over in my head what it could have been, but honestly I couldn’t really come up with anything. Our last exchange was me asking you to put me on the list for the show, and you saying yes – but then not being able to make it because the new medication I was on made me feel sick, too tired to go out – and that was the last time we had contact…

Out of confusion & hurt came the anger, out of the anger came nothing less than primal hatred. Hatred towards myself for letting myself feel this way, still, after all I have been through and learned from, hatred towards him for making me feel this way. This is perhaps the only thing I cannot, will not ever forgive, or forget.

Then, the other evening sitting in bed and again dwelling on it, I decided to draw  Rune, something I haven’t done for quite some time, but I needed some sort of answer, some sort of guidance, and my Runes have always been able to offer that. Sometimes they give me peace, sometimes only a new direction to think about, but they have never failed in helping in some sort of  way.

The Rune I drew was Uruz:

The Rune of terminations & new beginnings, drawing Uruz indicates that the life you have been living has outgrown its form. That form must die so that new energy can be released in a new form. This is a Rune of passage and, as such, part of the Cycle of Initiation.

Positive growth and change, however, may involve a descent into darkness as part of the cycle of perpetual renewal. As in nature, this progression consists of five aspects: death, decay, fertilization, gestation, rebirth. Events occuring now may well prompt you to undergo a death within yourself. Since self-change is never coerced – we are always free to resist – remain mindful that the new life is always greater than the old.

Prepare, then, for opportunity disguised as loss. It could involve the loss of someone or something to which you have an intense emotional bond, and through which you are living a part of your life, a part that must now be retrieved so that you can live it out for yourself. In some way, that bond is being severed, a relationship radically changed, a way of life coming to an end. Seek among the ashes and discover a new perspective and a new strength.

The ancient symbol for Uruz was the aurochs, a wild ox. When the wild ox was domesticated – an immensely difficult task – it could transport heavy loads. Learn to adapt yourself to the demands of such a creative time. Firm principles attach to this Rune. At the same time humility is called for, for in order to rule you must learn how to serve. Uruz puts you on notice that your soul – and the Universe – support the new growth.

I put the book explaining the meaning down, and laughed, my heart a thousand times lighter. I was so consumed with the immediate reason why that I couldn’t see through it to the big picture – couldn’t see the forest through the trees. It is time to rid myself of the need for his approval – approval which I never felt was there. Thinking back, performing for him always made me feel as if he were just humoring me, as if I were a pesky little brother that he cared for, but didn’t truly believe in.

It is now time to step past him so I can become the person, the performer that I know I am, and the separation, while painful, was necessary.

The wheels are already in motion – this Sunday I talk to the organizer of a huge event coming up about doing a piece that I’m working on – the same event I was trying to contact “him” about.

Still, I will never let what he did go. He has taken away trust, respect – and if it ever was there in the first place (& I believe it definitely was) – our friendship. For that I am incredibly sad – the death of a friendship is never taken lightly – but as I said, there is one thing, and one thing alone, that I can never forgive, never forget. It cuts far, far too deep, from the inside out; Silence.

It is inevitable that we will see each other again, as this community, this City is far too small to avoid it even if you try to, and I’m quite intrigued as to what will happen then. Now, it will be more of a game than anything, an anthropological experiment, as I continue to grow, continue to stretch my creativity – and continue to do what I love so dearly – make the people who watch me perform happy, and if I am so very fortunate, inspire them.

Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!

UPDATE:

Just days after this was posted, he contacted me asking me to join them. Man, these issues are a bitch, but – they’re there… anyway, long story short, all is well again and I’m back to my (mostly) stable self.

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