the shine in your eyes…

You see the people everywhere. In every city, in every part of the world. The ones who have given up, and all that remains is an empty shell of someone who at one point may have been so incredibly full of glory and promise and life that their shine brightened everyone around them – but then something happened, or the final thing, and they finally decided not to go on.

There are times when all that there is left in my heart is a feeling of despair, when all I wish I could do is to hang my head, admit defeat, and completely, ultimately, give up on life. To end the constant fight to follow my dreams. It would be so. much. easier…

I wasn’t told information that I needed to know on Tuesday – that for some reason I need a police release for my vehicle – just a piece of paper, but unfortunately in order to get that piece of paper I need to insure my motorhome first, and after spending the morning at the DMV to get a temporary movement pass, this I only found out when I went back to the tow company office to pay the total fines – 30 minutes before the other office I needed to go to closed at 3pm to get that piece of paper – and they won’t be open again until Monday.

I was so damn happy not to have to ask for any financial help this time, or help of any kind, except through Social Services at my Doctors. I was able to get a homeless shelter so I didn’t need to inconvenience friends, and was even able to get my phone turned back on –  using my imagination, using what I’ve learned from the past, using resources that were already set in place exactly for me and my health situation – but this one little piece of paper that I need completely destroyed that feeling of happiness, of accomplishment.

Another three days in impound at $84 per day. Insurance. The tow & impound fees are already taking my entire disability check, so this is perhaps $400 more that I just don’t have to get Alice back.

Alice. That’s her new name. The White Rabbit just didn’t feel right for reasons I can’t explain – but yeah, her new name is Alice, and this name I like much better.

~

I can’t give up. I will find a way to make this work, and I will NOT give up. I NEED to get her back. I’ve invested far too much time and money making her perfect for the road, making her mine, making her a home – taking care of what I need to to make her completely legal as money allowed, and I was literally just days away from taking her to the mechanic to get her smogged…

I hate more than anything that I need to ask for financial help again, but – I do, and quick as all hell, as storage goes up every single day. There is absolutely no way around it – but at least this time it can be a loan, payed back in monthly installments, and I get my next check on September 1st. Paypal – ksea@CultureFluxMagazine.com .    I will not give up, not just yet – but gods, sometimes I wish I could. Also, if you have a business to advertise, CultureFlux is entering some of the most amazing months of its existence yet, and before all of this happened I completely redesigned a bunch of stuff, including MUCH better advertising  – and quite literally the lowest prices possible while still being able to survive!

Tonight, however, is going to be absolutely beautiful. I’ve been rehearsing with Vau de Vire Society again, and the show tonight at Sand By The Ton – I get to forget about all of the stress & frustration for a few short hours, and be a part of sharing such amazing beauty with so many wonderful people, making them smile, perhaps even helping them to forget for those same hours what they need to.

This is why I keep following my dreams, keep believing that it will get better, & keep fighting as hard as I possibly can for a life that I believe in – just simply to make people happy, in any way possible, and regardless of what it takes in order to do that. Far beyond simple desire, it is an unquenchable passion, a desperate need – and I have no question that without being able to do this, without being able to bring wonder, beauty, and perhaps even a bit of inspiration to at least someone, I would have given up a long, long time ago.

It is because of all of you – the shine in your eyes, the smiles on your faces, and because you are kind enough to share those with me – that is why I am still alive.

Thank you.

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