Upside F’ING Down.

There’s a hell of lot to write about, but by far this takes the cake – takes the whole friggin’ bakery, so while struggling to keep my eyes open; briefly…
I received an email from my sister yesterday (Monday) saying that my mom is in town until Wednesday – and wants to see me.
She’s been in town 30-40-50- times before. We haven’t spoken in over two years, and quite a time ago (due to too much to get into right now) I erased both mom & dad from my life. As an adoptee, it was simple – in my heart I switched them to acquaintances – though they are acquaintances who raised me, were (by law) considered “family”. They tried as well as they knew how; but they tried to make me like them, not accepting anything else, or perhaps not knowing how.
While expecting to feel bad, when I bid them that final Good Bye I felt such immense weight lifted from my heart that it truly changed my life.
Now she just pops in wanting to see me?
Now she just pops in wanting to see me and the old, intricate anger begins to seethe.
I don’t know that by doing the universal “mature” thing and letting her see me would be good. The assumed “mature” action might just be horribly destructive – and quite frankly it’s fucking inconsiderate and rude as hell on her part to pull something like this after all this time, with no opening dialogue at all.
DAMN, man – everything sure is happening all at once.
Having fun again I see, eh Universe?
I really need to sleep – or at least to make an attempt.
Without question, I need to meditate and do Rune work.
As always, if you find this link on Facebook and want to respond, please respond HERE & NOT on Facebook. I would really appreciate it for many reasons.
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10 responses to “Upside F’ING Down.

  1. guhh, i dunno.
    similar-ish situation, my cousin, found me on myspace, and through some conversation…she has an address where my father was living up to like 12 years ago?? (and could POSSIBLY still be there).
    last time i saw my father i was 14. he moved and i had no contact information for him. next time after that he even attempted to contact me, i was 19. i came home one afternoon to a missed call message, with a number. well, sorry Pal but after 5 years of you not even TRYING to contact me, fuck you. and you know what?? fuck you some more…i threw away the number…..i was 19, and HE WAS THE FUCKING ADULT!
    he didn’t even try once more…i will be 37 in 2 days now.
    not to mention all the why’s and anger i have pent up for this man, sperm doner person….thanks cause at least i’m here, but, last i saw him, knew of him, he’s (and his parents……2 people that moved away without even TELLING ME, and i never heard from them again), were racist, sexist and predudice.
    so, what would i even relate with this person on, and in all honesty, the level of rasicm he worked on could VERY WELL come to further dissaproval/rejection. and really i think i have been rather diplomatic about this, but i think any further rejection and i may loose my shit, as in cave his face in…and i like being calm.
    i have some serious issues with how i am close to people and of no doubt a symptom of the ‘daddys’. i am full well prepared to take responcibillity for my own behavior, and i do. i also have some serious anger building as i am becoming further aware, he’s not coming back, he’s not going to make an attempt……weather or not he cares. probly because it’s hard.
    i KNOW what the question is, and i would say it’s the same one you’d have.
    will you regret it if you don’t make this attempt? that is up to you to decide. you can go on and on about how they this or they that, but this is our choice, do we make this attempt? will we regret it if we don’t??
    will it do more damage than good? IS REALLY a secondary question. and the answer to that is, i don’t know.
    thanks for this, i have been thinking about, although ignoring this.
    for me, i don’t know, i might not actually regret not trying.
    ….or is that just something i tell myself? puhhhh…..

  2. Have you seen her since we had xmas dinner with her…what, 3yrs ago? I recall her not even telling you she was in town and we found out when we got to dinner. Then she didnt speak to you the whole evening and finally at the end made some comment about why you didnt wash your hair before coming. Oh yea….and the lovely birthday present she didnt give along with her business card when you were about to be homeless.
    Duno flux….i always hope that people will change. That there will be a positive instead of a negative. But i would seriously question her intentions before seeing her again.

    • She isn’t changing – her head is WAY to far up her ass.
      I ended up talking to herbriefly on the phone, and this is what I get:
      “Hi honey, how are you!? Are you working, have a job?…”
      Like I said, it was brief. I was far too astounded at how ignorant she is to what is going on in my life. She has absolutely no idea whatsoever – so see ya, ma; at least I got to actually tell you that I had erased you from my life.

      One thing though, I wish I wasn’t so taken aback as to forget to ask why, after all thsi time, she wanted to see me. No great loss.

      I did let her know that if she ever took the time to at least try to know me, I would be open to it – but I know that won’t happen. It would destroy her bubble of blindness.

    • Love you like crazy babe, and happy friggin’ birthday!
      Thank you for your brave & honest response – wish I could write more but my fingers hurt. What you wrote was really good to read, and my guess is that it might havebeen good to get out, yeah? Seems like it’s been boiling inside of you.

      So you know, I am ALWAYS here for you if you want to talk – I would be happy to just simply listen to you, someone you can talk with who can understand.
      Okay,nappy time, & like I said – I love you like crazy…

  3. We don’t get to choose the people we are born to, or the people who raise us. Or if we did choose them, in some nebulous in-between before-life master plan, we can’t remember it. And yet it is still so deeply painful, in a profound, heart-wrenching way, when they fail us. There is no other pain like it. But we all have another family, a family that chose us, and continues to choose us not despite but because of all of our fucked up, strange, quirky habits.

    I think you did the right thing in not seeing her. There is no reason to subject yourself to people who do not cherish you.

  4. kSea, I’m terribly sorry for all your pain and anguish – both physical and otherwise. Just remember there’s so much love in this old universe aimed right at you! It may not come from the places you want or expect it to, but rest assured it’s there. Be well.

  5. Oof, Ksea… Seems like you’re going through a lot of extra heavy stuff in recent months. My heart goes out to you.

    Do you have a snail mail addy where folks can send you care packages and stuff? I’d love to send you a copy of Issue 05 of Coilhouse if you don’t already have one.

    Regardless, please know I’m thinking of you.


  6. i was adopted too ya know. my adoptive mom was a nut job. i wrote her off years 20 years ago. somehow she got in touch and i told her i didn’t want to see her but i put her on my theatres email list. she took this as an invitation to come from Texas to SF to see me and the theatre. i told her no freaking way would she ever step foot in my theatre. (she kicked me and sis out at 13 which was a blessing cuz we finally got to live sanely) she was deeply wounded. (yeah, like spending my teenage years hungry and homeless was a picnic) supposedly she still came to SF but only drove by the theatre. i say, don’t stress yourself out over that woman. you’ve got enough on your plate.

    i say do what ever you want to do around your ‘mom’.

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