necessary release

I keep searching for a way to begin this entry, to say what I wish to say, to describe the emotions without letting them take control – without letting the anger, confusion, and deep sadness about the world I live in seep through and tell everyone how much I love them, how much I appreciate them – and how much I want scream at them to fuck off – but that’s where the confusion and hypocrisy come in.
Please take into account that I’m still processing this as I write it but need to get at least something out, and know that regardless of what is said below, I do truly appreciate all of the love and support that has been coming this way.
It would have been easier a few days ago before all this began, before an idiotic presumptive conclusion was made that I was heading downhill and posted on facebook. Then, none of this would have been necessary  – but at the same time, in a twisted way, I’m almost okay with it, as these thoughts and feelings are not by any means new to me, just have been suppressed and shaded over to some degree – but not enough.
The truth is that yes, I’m sick, in quite a bit of pain, and have been in pretty bad shape – but I’m sure as fuck not on my deathbed. I’m way too stubborn to leave this sack of bones behind before I’m able to get healthy enough to get back on the road and just travel wherever the hell I want. There’s just far too much more to see, far too many people still to meet, and far too much beauty to be completely awed by while I’m still in this form.
The truth of the matter is that what I’m dealing with now – the feeling like shit, the constant pain, the flesh falling off of my body and rest of it is only a little more severe than what I’ve been going through for the past three years.
For the past three fucking years, in my motorhome with all this shit, taking care of myself, doing what I need to do in order to survive. Of course, you didn’t know – I played it down, everything’s okay in the “how ya doin’?” rush, we’re all in passing, all busy and don’t *really* have time for the truth about how someone is truly doing, so of course, you didn;t know, how could you?
Here’s an idea: call. Stop, and look in someone’s eyes when you ask. That’s how we can know about people.
But I didn’t feel I had that luxury, as I’m sure many of us don’t – so I got through it alone, with the exception of one person, Isa – the single person who checked in to see how I was doing or just to say hi on a regular basis, the only person who I didn’t feel guilty that I might inconvenience them by disturbing their busy life with my problems.
The only differences are that now my Dr. has been able to get me into a truly incredible hospice AND respite facility that is offering kickass care – and now, becuase someone else put the word out, others know about it. People I haven’t heard a word from in months or years, people who have never contacted me at *all* are getting in touch with me now that this is out there, and in true sincerity asking how I am.
Honestly, though it’s a bit overwhelming (holy CRAP!) I truly do appreciate it…
…but it also brings up more questions inside of me.
I wonder why it’s so seldom, if ever, we take a few seconds out of our day and send a quick email or text or call someone we might be thinking of, and just ask how they are. I mean really are, and be prepared to have a few moments to listen.
I wonder why we count the time we spend running around getting ready for performances and time in clubs as actual time together.
I wonder why we so seldom take the time to truly get to know someone. I wonder why it seems so difficult to, when all it takes is being honest, open.
I wonder why that is so hard for some.
I wonder where the fear is based; If we’re worried we won’t be liked, or worried that we won’t like them.
I wonder what’s inside of you.
I wonder if this makes any sense.
I’m pretty damn sure I sound like an idealistic fool, and I know I don’t give a fuck, and
I know that I’m guilty of the same thing – but I also know that I have occasionally tried.
Ummm, so yeah. I’m sick, but a long, long way from dead. Just in the shop getting a tune-up. I’ve been here a month and I’ll be here for two more (or longer) while we try to figure out the best way to go about fixing me… I’ve got the will of a killer in a horror flick that has sequel after sequel (- and I must admit; with my hair falling out due to the stress on my body, no top teeth, and skin flaking off my face, kind of *look* like one!).
and I’m pretty sure that when the two months is over and I’m back to living in Alice (or more than likely before) that all of these words will be forgotten by most except me.
I hope that you prove me wrong.
And now, thanks to a visit by the loverly Robin Hoodlum & her amazing acupressure treatment that helped me sleep for the first time in  a month a couple days ago, I’m going to get some more of that sleep stuff.
And now, picture time! My room, legs, why I couldn’t type for a bit… and you can figure out the rest. and(Isa was kind enough to bring me some teeth while I wait for my new ones.)
(And so ya know, my legs look one HELL of a lot better than this now, but they’ve also looked worse.)


3 responses to “necessary release

  1. I love you love you lovvvve you fluxy fucker! Everyday. We have been thru so fucking much together on levels that nobody but us will EVER understand. Sorry bout the momentary freak out and flooding in of folks all at once. I got that email and literally collapsed.
    Glad you dig the new vampy grille you have! They look loverly on ya 😉 stay strong, get rest, may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your room and don’t accept any wooden nickles.

    • I love your strength Ksea! I believe in your power to heal, and i am there for you. Looking forward to Tuesday night…more acupressure, i know your body loves it! Studying acupressure was one of the best things i ever did, it gives me so much happiness to be able to offer it to the ones i love in times of need. It is one of the gifts i have to offer. Thank you for graciously accepting it.

      I hope the influx of attention from people that DO love you is not too overwhelming. Remember you can always say that you are too tired for company. I think that at this point your friends are now aware of what is going on for you, and simply want to offer you some support, and love. I do have to agree with what you have written, that we so often in our communities forget to really ask someone how they are, and take the time to listen. This is a good reminder to learn to be better friends with those we care about. Thank you for that reminder. You have my attention now. Hope you are having a good day. I will see you on Tuesday night.
      Robin Hoodlum

  2. really enjoyed your remarks about quality time with people. our community is prone to a lot of the hi/bye party acquaintances. Giving people the attention and space to actually know them and vice versa is priceless as we do have an amazing pool of highly talented and loving folk.

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