Time & reality are thin for me here, in bed most the day and night to the point that they get blurred together; time is recorded by meals, and when they come daily to take my vital signs. The outside world becomes hazy, the days follow days follow… I forget that there are things that need to be done, things I want to do. Awake at night, sleep during the day – or something like that, right?
Does it matter? Not here. Most people have spent much more time than me in these walls, going around and around, living, and yes- dying. Natasha died here a few weeks ago, and nothing changed except the room was empty again. I still wish her well when I turn off the light, because I don’t think anyone else does. She was only here for three weeks – or somewhere around there.
I busy myself when I have the energy to be busy by reading, by taking silly shots of me with my camera… by trying to think of something to write. I have a notebook scattered with thoughts, pretty beginnings that will never find an end to their stories, so they will forever sit and wait to become something… maybe someday, maybe someday… but these days it seems like such an effort to write, at least until I start.
I mean hell, the laptop is at least two feet away, and I need to sit up, and… sheesh.
Admittedly, I have been watching much more television than I like to, but what else is there to do? By far my favorite station is the Food Network, and you better believe that I’m going to be cookin’ soon – somehow, someway, and yeah, you’re invited to eat – because who knows, it may be your kitchen. And a little of your money for the food.
One thing that has re-emerged in watching the shows is my insatiable lust, my uncontrollable desire, my desperate need for raw oysters, to the point of looking up the menu & prices on the Hog Island website. (((sigh)))
Okay, pretty much any good food (it’s fine for what it is here, & they do a good job most of the time – but by no means is it “great”. My eyes have, however, tasted the amazing things on the television in my mind – & that’s what I want.
Like a big ol’ spoiled brat, I WANT!
Maybe if I dress up in my busker outfit & head out to Union Square… “Scuse me, lady? Spare $60 for some oysters?”
It is, after all, the holidays, & I always did well at Union Square – while freezing my friggin ASS off, & the ass underneath that… at least this way I’ll be able to move around, and besides, I ordered a nice new cane (for pretty cheap – less than a good dinner) off of eBay – I mean hell, what’s the point in being a gimp if ya can’t use it to accessorize?
I really shouldn’t watch the Food Network.
Lunch time. Must be 12:30
and sadly, this was somewhat tiring… but perhaps I’m just out of practice.
And Now, Picture Time.