And so I begin, again

Tell me a story, Pew.
 
What kind of story, child?
A story with a happy ending.
There’s no such thing in all the world.
As a happy ending?
As an ending.

From ‘Lighthousekeeping’ by Jeanette Winterson

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I begin this with a small measure of fear. There is a story to tell, but I have misplaced the boldness and control of words that I once had in my heart, the feeling that combined with the prose was an odd poetry – but the passion to write is still a part of me. Thankfully, I have not lost that, nor have I forgotten that the truest way to break my fears is to confront them, to own them, and by doing that, to make myself their master.
 
And so I begin, again, to tell the story that has no beginning.
 
~ ~~ ~ ~
 
Three months.
That’s how long my stay here was supposed to be –  three months.
At the time it seemed like more than I needed – I was feeling fine, energetic, and, except for my legs which I had been dealing with for a few years already, healthy.
In a way it was going to be something of a vacation – hot showers, hot food ad lots of it, and even someone to do my laundry whenever it was needed. When I got here to Maitri, I relished in all of these things, taking advantage of the extra time and complete escape from all responsibility to read and rest. I tried to write but found that it was difficult – everything was the same day in & day out, and there was also something else wrong –  the solitude that I held so dear was ripped away, replaced by incessant knocking on my door – people checking on me, telling me every day at the same time when breakfast, lunch and dinner were & asking me if I was going to eat, sometimes a few different people for every meal. After so many years  more or less thriving alone, all of the sudden I was treated like a three year old who was completely incapable of taking care of himself. Any hint of serenity was ripped away & I found myself in my own personal hell. Little did I know that the true hell was just beginning…
 
It’s now 3:40am, and I think that there’s a chance that I might sleep, so I’m going to continue this tomorrow – or at least try to…
 
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