11.18.11 A Day of Rest & Thought

11.18.11

A Day of Rest & Thought

Stayed in today, resting, keeping my leg elevated. I don’t know why it’s always my left leg that swells the most – perhaps it has something to do with the body’s channels, perhaps it’s something that tells me I need a chiropractic adjustment, perhaps it’s because I’m not only left-handed, I’m left legged. Strange though, as the right has always been my preferred.

I need to remember that, at least for a little while, I need to be careful, ever watchful, vigilant; that I can’t leap back into life the way I wish to, and now more than ever I need to be even more attentive to my body, so that one day soon I will be able to be what I once was.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It is in my dreams that I find her, never seeing the face

yet feeling her in my heart. When I wake I am left with only a warm soft smile,

trying to remember every vague detail,

the laughter, the peace,

keeping my eyes closed and wanting desperately to go back to my dreams.

Back to the warmth, back to her.

There is a touch of sadness in my heart as she fades,

and I’m left wondering when I will feel her again,

and if it’s only in my dreams

that I ever will.

When I walk through The City, it seems as if there is someone for everyone,

so I try to keep believing that,

that there is someone

The One

for this trainwreck of a hopeful romantic.

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11.11.11 ~ Love, Gratitude, & Recovery

11.11.11

5am

Swollen feet, ankles & calves, the pain not felt until the night had passed and the hours crept well into the morning, still dark.

The pain and swelling of my legs will go away within a couple days, but the night will live forever in my heart, in my soul, in the way I am everlastingly changed, for it is you that constructs the man I am, as the family of friends I have found unknowingly molds, forms and creates the person you know today.

 

I want to be better for you, I want to give you all that I am, I want to tell you in words that don’t exist how grateful I am for each one of you, and show you what you have created with your love by giving to the world what you all have given me.

I want them to remember the beauty of life that we all had as children, when we knew that the world was ours, even if it was one we had to create in dreams. I want to be evidence for them, so that they know with all of their hearts that those childhood dreams can be a wondrous reality now.

 

I wish I could have thanked you all that night, each one of you individually, but each step I took in one direction left me halted or pulled in another by someone else so it was impossible to do what I wanted. Being who you are, I’m confident that *almost* all of you can understand this; and to those who can comprehend that this semi-recluse was spread too thin to get everywhere, I can’t articulate my gratitude for such a beautiful and magickal evening well enough to satisfy what I wish to say. I want to actually look in your eyes, hug you warm & tight, & have that action declare what any words I can write here fall far short of – although for now, these words will need to suffice – and if you can, imagine me holding you and looking into your eyes, and you may feel how much love is behind them:

Thank You.

You created an exquisite evening, a beautiful celebration of life, of love…

and it will live in my heart, swollen with love, forever.

The Power of Love

 

Because THIS is What We Can Do! (aka Occupy the DNA Lounge!)

For those who don’t know and/or don’t want to take the time to read over the past year of my blog, I offer this – The power of the Human Spirit, of Love, and a brief explanation of what we can do when we take our lives into our *own* hands, instead of playing the pawn to the pharmaceutical corporations & medical insurance companies so that they can line their pockets at our greatest expense – our lives. I’ll *try* to keep it short. Please bear with me as this is *incredibly* abbreviated.

          A little over a year ago, on October 6th, 2010 to be exact, I was admitted to a wonderful place; A Respite/ Hospice care facility called Maitri – a word that means “Compassionate Friendship” in Sanskrit, with complications that had been plaguing me for years due to Hepatitis C. They affected every part of my life, and even took me away from what I love the most – performing, delighting others, and being a part of my dear family, the Vau de Vire Society.

          Shortly after I arrived at Maitri all hell broke loose with my body – the toxins & waste that my liver could not process gathered in my body worse than they ever had before, and pooled up in my legs and abdomen. For the first few months there I took the medications that my Dr. prescribed, but unfortunately those were little if any help. It was when he had to start prescribing medications to combat the symptoms that the *other* medications were causing that I started to think, and to get angry. I felt that there *must* be some other way.

 

          I began countless hours, day after day, week after week of research to try to find something that might help, but in a natural, holistic way. Something that didn’t destroy the body it was meant to help, like so many Western medications do. (It was reported by the American Medical Association in 1998 that even when taken properly, prescription “medicines” accounted for 100,000 deaths, and over one million hospitalizations.)

          When I began ordering the herbs, tinctures, potions, lotions, and anything that I could that I believed would work for me, I quickly found that, though they are MUCH less expensive than Western meds, of course none of them were covered by insurance – each bottle I bought took money away from the pharmaceutical corporations, and well, they don’t like that too much. Even if something is *proven* to work, it was natural so couldn’t be regulated.

          It was then that I realized that I had to do something which I absolutely loathed to do – ask for help. Ask for money, so I could stay alive and battle Hep C and the symptoms that it was causing in my body. At the worst of it, I weighed 227 lbs – with about 70 lbs of that being toxins that my body couldn’t process. I describe it slightly in my blog, but even that doesn’t come close to the hell I was going through.

          Much to my surprise, and with countless tears of appreciation and love shed, the money I needed to purchase the natural medicines to literally stay alive and get better began coming in, and I was then my own experiment, my own test subject – determining what worked and what didn’t for *me*. I did everything I could, from meditation, to herbs, to visualization and more to get better – and ya know what? It worked! It’s working.

Roughly seven months later, I was up, walking, my legs and abdomen back down to a relatively normal size. The nurse that came in to help with my legs said that she had never seen anyone heal so quickly; most of the other medical professionals that cared for me implied that they were worried that I would die. (I want to say now that I was and am truly blessed to have the team I had looking after me, as there are far too many “Doctors” that swim in the deep end of the ignorance pool, and believe only western medicines can heal. The people looking after me, however, supported me in every way they could, and for that, I am eternally grateful.)

I officially left Maitri on November 1st; feeling wonderful, feeling ALIVE, and walking on my own two feet. I still need to take the herbs & wear special compression stockings, but compared to where I was only seven months ago, hanging on by sheer will alone to life and barely able to move, much less walk, hell, that ain’t nothin’!

My new goal is to completely clear myself of the Hepatitis C Virus using the same methods, but again – more research and the inclusion of many different herbs and… everything else. It will be expensive, but it’s been done before – and I have found the strength, will and love to do it through all of you.

When I finally AM cleared of the virus, I plan to write a book so that others will realize that they DO have options – healthy ones – and that they don’t need to be a nameless sack of profit flesh for the corporations that couldn’t give a damn about their one life. It is in this way I hope to pay forward all of the help and support that has, and continues to come my way – and perhaps someday, those corporations will get pissed off and afraid enough to include certain proven herbs and holistic therapies in their insurance plans… but even if they don’t, at least those who read my book and are brave enough to find humility and ask for help will do so, and realize, like I have, how much love there actually is out there in the world.

If you can’t make it to the benefit THIS THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1oth/11th, 2011 but still wish to donate and help me in my fight, my Paypal address is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com.

Thank you all so very much for helping to keep me alive – as without your love and support, without the determination I have to get back on stage and be able to delight and perform for everyone possible, it is very likely that instead of writing this, I would be nothing but a fond memory right now.

With love,

~ kSea flux